Gender Non-Conforming Boy - Looking for Resources Not Your Opinions Or Judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (even people in general and yes, in DC too) would agree with PP whether they would admit it IRL or not.

Exactly. And they would silently judge people who allow this, and not favorably.

As I am silently judging you and your bigotry.

+1.

To those judging, silently or otherwise, the parents of boys dressing like princesses: why? Are you judging because you think it’s wrong for boys to dress like princesses or because you think the boy should not be allowed to do something that may be ridiculed by others? If the latter, how about instead you teach your gender conforming kids to stop mocking those with different preferences (which aren’t harming anyone)? How about you stop teaching narrow mindedness and encourage acceptance? Insisting on rigid gender roles perpetuates sexism.

OP, I appreciate this thread. My son is also gender non-conforming. I hope there are more parents out there who support gender non-conforming kids.

+1000 I can't believe its 2019 and we are still having this discussion on DCUM which is supposed to be full of progressive educated people and not from some ass backwards area.

[Anonymous]

I would also silently judge the parents.

I would think the parents must be hippy dippies that would be OK with anything their kids wanted. Unless they turn out to be republicans of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also silently judge the parents.

I would think the parents must be hippy dippies that would be OK with anything their kids wanted. Unless they turn out to be republicans of course!

Do you know how stupid you sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also silently judge the parents.

I would think the parents must be hippy dippies that would be OK with anything their kids wanted. Unless they turn out to be republicans of course!

Do you know how stupid you sound?

Don't really care if you think I sound stupid. I am just being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also silently judge the parents.

I would think the parents must be hippy dippies that would be OK with anything their kids wanted. Unless they turn out to be republicans of course!

Do you know how stupid you sound?

Don't really care if you think I sound stupid. I am just being honest.

Well, here's your Honesty Crown and Sparkly Sash. Congratulations on keeping empathy and self reflection from distracting you from Your Honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men (even people in general and yes, in DC too) would agree with PP whether they would admit it IRL or not.

Exactly. And they would silently judge people who allow this, and not favorably.

As I am silently judging you and your bigotry.

+1.

To those judging, silently or otherwise, the parents of boys dressing like princesses: why? Are you judging because you think it’s wrong for boys to dress like princesses or because you think the boy should not be allowed to do something that may be ridiculed by others? If the latter, how about instead you teach your gender conforming kids to stop mocking those with different preferences (which aren’t harming anyone)? How about you stop teaching narrow mindedness and encourage acceptance? Insisting on rigid gender roles perpetuates sexism.

OP, I appreciate this thread. My son is also gender non-conforming. I hope there are more parents out there who support gender non-conforming kids.

+1000 I can't believe its 2019 and we are still having this discussion on DCUM which is supposed to be full of progressive educated people and not from some ass backwards area.

+1

wtf?!

[Anonymous]

hey OP, I see the thread has been moved to LGBTQ... which is kind of too bad since a lot of non-LGBTQ people would benefit from it...

but in any case, I came across a list of books on gender expression and thought you may like to checkthem out:

https://www.scarymommy.com/books-gender-expression/?fbclid=IwAR1KOj_RH_9lpAGZQK7yky7FXJ2RXZaXJPOoWn144luWpj3DJO6hGauNF3Y

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this post. I am going through the same thing with my 5 year old daughter.

[Anonymous]

My 4yo DS loves getting his nails painted, playing dress up (in full ball gown and wig), he likes to play with babies and asked me if he could have a dresd to match me the other day. He also loves legos and trucks and super heroes and fighting. I think he’s just a totally average little boy who is able to like what he likes without judgement. Let your kid be who they are and trust that if there is something you need support and resources for, it will become apparent in time.

[Anonymous]

I have a DS, now a teen, who was like this. We let DS have his sparkles, dresses, pinks and purples when he wanted them. He had a series of sparkling outrageous dresses he loved when he was little. Sometimes he wore them, sometimes he didn't. Now he is a teen with a killer fashion sense, a ton of friends, an avid athlete, a fantastic dancer, and he still rocks his sequins. I never thought glitter would be as much a part of my life as it is. He's very popular with his peers, I think in part because he DNGAF about conforming, but he also likes his sports and video games. In short, if your kid likes the sparkles, give the kid some sparkles!

My one piece of advice is that I would avoid people who are very rigid and judgemental one way or the other. As an example, there was a nasty thread awhile back with a starting thesis of how awful people who use #boymom are. But in my life, some of the moms who have been fierce advocates for DS have also used #boymom on social media. Guess what I care more about? Stuff like the use of a stupid hashtag, that's just irrelevant and I would let it go. Figure out who loves your DS and surround him with those people. Don't sweat the small, stupid stuff. Don't be rigid; people aren't perfect. They are going to make mistakes. Allow for that, though of course protect your DS. If you get too rigid, you may cut off support you need. Surround your DS with people and a community that loves him, and don't worry if every member of that community isn't perfect at all times.

[Anonymous]

Going through the same thing with my almost 7 year old son. DH and I aren’t handling it well at. all. Guess we aren’t the progressive, educated type that DCUM talks about.

From age 1-4, DS was into stereotypical boy stuff - cars, trucks, trains. Then flipped a switch right when he started K at 5 and decided he liked “girl” stuff instead. Initially we went with it, but over time it started to get borderline bizarre and unhealthy. We felt like we were being irresponsible by allowing this to happen, so we’ve forbidden certain things. I often wonder if we are harming DS in the long run with our stricter approach, but I wondered the same thing when we were much more relaxed with the gender nonconformity behaviors. I wish every day that DS would just “blend in” with the rest of the typical little boys because regardless of what anyone says on DCUM, being transgender or even gay will make his life so much harder. His life will already be hard as a minority with ADHD and other LDs. Add to that we have limited financial resources, so he’s not getting the best of education, community, etc. And yes I know, parental love and support is a buffer. I’m sure I will be judged severely for my post, but it’s easy to say what we should do when you’re not in our shoes and don’t experience the hardships of our demographics (poor, minority, ADHD, LDs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same thing with my almost 7 year old son. DH and I aren’t handling it well at. all. Guess we aren’t the progressive, educated type that DCUM talks about.

From age 1-4, DS was into stereotypical boy stuff - cars, trucks, trains. Then flipped a switch right when he started K at 5 and decided he liked “girl” stuff instead. Initially we went with it, but over time it started to get borderline bizarre and unhealthy. We felt like we were being irresponsible by allowing this to happen, so we’ve forbidden certain things. I often wonder if we are harming DS in the long run with our stricter approach, but I wondered the same thing when we were much more relaxed with the gender nonconformity behaviors. I wish every day that DS would just “blend in” with the rest of the typical little boys because regardless of what anyone says on DCUM, being transgender or even gay will make his life so much harder. His life will already be hard as a minority with ADHD and other LDs. Add to that we have limited financial resources, so he’s not getting the best of education, community, etc. And yes I know, parental love and support is a buffer. I’m sure I will be judged severely for my post, but it’s easy to say what we should do when you’re not in our shoes and don’t experience the hardships of our demographics (poor, minority, ADHD, LDs).

Sorry, not able to get behind you here. First, liking girl stuff is different from being a girl. Has he indicated that he doesn’t feel like he’s a boy or that he does feel like a girl? He might just be into princesses or ponies or whatever. I assume he’s in some kind of therapy for his LDs or adhd, so you could ask his therapist for advice. Think about the message you’re sending him by taking away the things he enjoys most (which sound like they’re harmless, not like guns or fireworks), and telling him he’s wrong to want to play with them. Think about the message you’re sending about gender roles and gender equality. It seems like it would be hard to say respect women and women are as good as men, but don’t play with girl stuff because it’s different and shameful.

I’m not a minority, and we’re middle class, but we have other adversities including ultra conservative family members who severed ties after my son came out as trans. He has adhd, ASD, anxiety and ocd. It’s not easy but he’s a happier kid after coming out and being supported and accepted for who he is by people who love him. When he was repressing his trans feelings, his anxiety was off the charts, he developed depression, and all his other symptoms were worse across the board. I think he was so stressed out from hiding himself from the world that he couldn’t focus on anything else, and there was no room to control or cope with his asd and adhd issues. It affects all aspects of life, and depending on how it’s dealt with, those effects can be very positive or very negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same thing with my almost 7 year old son. DH and I aren’t handling it well at. all. Guess we aren’t the progressive, educated type that DCUM talks about.

From age 1-4, DS was into stereotypical boy stuff - cars, trucks, trains. Then flipped a switch right when he started K at 5 and decided he liked “girl” stuff instead. Initially we went with it, but over time it started to get borderline bizarre and unhealthy. We felt like we were being irresponsible by allowing this to happen, so we’ve forbidden certain things. I often wonder if we are harming DS in the long run with our stricter approach, but I wondered the same thing when we were much more relaxed with the gender nonconformity behaviors. I wish every day that DS would just “blend in” with the rest of the typical little boys because regardless of what anyone says on DCUM, being transgender or even gay will make his life so much harder. His life will already be hard as a minority with ADHD and other LDs. Add to that we have limited financial resources, so he’s not getting the best of education, community, etc. And yes I know, parental love and support is a buffer. I’m sure I will be judged severely for my post, but it’s easy to say what we should do when you’re not in our shoes and don’t experience the hardships of our demographics (poor, minority, ADHD, LDs).

It sounds like you think that by being "strict" about what he's allowed to do/wear/like you will prevent him from being gay/trans. You do realize you can't "make" someone be or not be gay/trans? All you can do with this strict approach is make him feel bad about who he is. Support the child you actually have and help him to feel good about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kid doesn't sound trans to me - at least not right now. Trans kids express actual dysphoria about their sex - they insist that they are actually the opposite gender, they talk about wanting to have different genitalia, they express wanting to be the opposite gender when they grow up. It doesn't sound like that is your kid, and I think we actually reinforce sexist stereotypes when we give the impression that because a kid likes "girl things" they must be a girl. Relax for now and support your kid.

If anything OP's kid sounds gender non-conforming. Which is different than transgender. OP did say "gender non-conforming" in title.

I agree - everyone should drop the "girl things" and "boys things" in general.

Can’t a young boy like sparkly stuff without being labeled gender-nonconforming? Liking something doesn’t have to mean something about identity! It just means he likes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going through the same thing with my almost 7 year old son. DH and I aren’t handling it well at. all. Guess we aren’t the progressive, educated type that DCUM talks about.

From age 1-4, DS was into stereotypical boy stuff - cars, trucks, trains. Then flipped a switch right when he started K at 5 and decided he liked “girl” stuff instead. Initially we went with it, but over time it started to get borderline bizarre and unhealthy. We felt like we were being irresponsible by allowing this to happen, so we’ve forbidden certain things. I often wonder if we are harming DS in the long run with our stricter approach, but I wondered the same thing when we were much more relaxed with the gender nonconformity behaviors. I wish every day that DS would just “blend in” with the rest of the typical little boys because regardless of what anyone says on DCUM, being transgender or even gay will make his life so much harder. His life will already be hard as a minority with ADHD and other LDs. Add to that we have limited financial resources, so he’s not getting the best of education, community, etc. And yes I know, parental love and support is a buffer. I’m sure I will be judged severely for my post, but it’s easy to say what we should do when you’re not in our shoes and don’t experience the hardships of our demographics (poor, minority, ADHD, LDs).

Studies show that if parents accept their children for who they are, the kids are happier and have better outcomes than if you don't. Not to say that it will ever be easy for you or for your kid, but trying to change how he/she feels inside just makes it worse.