Gender Non-Conforming Boy - Looking for Resources Not Your Opinions Or Judgment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

The OP is not assuming anything about her son except that he may need some support. You on the other hand....

I'm being direct because it saves time and handwringing, PP. I've been around the block and every time a parent starts a thread like this it's to discuss latent homosexuality. Most of the time, it's a preschool or early-elementary-aged boy. Why? Because at that age, societal norms have not begun to sink in and boys express interest in gaudy things, just like girls do, without thought to adult interpretations of those objects. It's socially accepted for girls to have broad interests, but not boys, hence the questions.

So relax and go with the flow. Just so you know, OP, there are LGBTQ clubs at many public and private middle schools and nearly all high schools, and counselors there have resources. You can also look in your local public library or poke around the internet for book recommendations. But again, your child is way too young to "start looking for resources". Don't be ridiculous. Enjoy your child while he's still a child.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my nephew. He is free to wear whatever he likes, and join the activities he likes, but at a young age no one is talking or thinking about being “transgender”. As he got a little older (he’s 12 now), he’s a bit less sparkle fairy princess in his tastes -but he is who he is.

My advice is to not overthink things now. Support his daily activity now, although it is fair to,point out that some of his peers may give him some grief, so he’s prepared. Teach him to own his choices.

[Anonymous]

In the DC area there is an org called SMYAL. Check them out, they have some resources for young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

The OP is not assuming anything about her son except that he may need some support. You on the other hand....

I'm being direct because it saves time and handwringing, PP. I've been around the block and every time a parent starts a thread like this it's to discuss latent homosexuality. Most of the time, it's a preschool or early-elementary-aged boy. Why? Because at that age, societal norms have not begun to sink in and boys express interest in gaudy things, just like girls do, without thought to adult interpretations of those objects. It's socially accepted for girls to have broad interests, but not boys, hence the questions.

So relax and go with the flow. Just so you know, OP, there are LGBTQ clubs at many public and private middle schools and nearly all high schools, and counselors there have resources. You can also look in your local public library or poke around the internet for book recommendations. But again, your child is way too young to "start looking for resources". Don't be ridiculous. Enjoy your child while he's still a child.

You may think you’re being so supportive and helpful, but you’re being the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

The OP said nothing about homosexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no girl things.

My "tomboy" (not a word we used) daughter was not "a girl who liked boy things." She was a girl. She liked things. A girl who climbs trees isn't doing a boy thing. A boy who plays dressup isn't doing a girl thing. Your son may like pretty things, or sparkly things, or all sorts of other adjectives, but I'd eliminate "girl things" from your lexicon. He's a boy. If he likes it, it's a boy thing.

This is important because kids are often shamed for liking things that aren't supposed to be for them. Whether that's still liking something when it's for "babies" or liking something that's for "boys" if you're a girl, I think giving your kid the confidence to know if he likes it, then it's for him, is critically important.

What sorts of resources are you looking for? As the parent of a gender non-conforming kid, I mostly got good at helping my daughter with words to push back against anyone who suggested that collecting worms wasn't "appropriate" for a "young lady" and things like that.

We also did a lot of mail order clothes to prevent having the fact that she was choosing "boy clothes" shoved in her face (that worked until she was about 10, then she had a crisis and tried to wear girl clothes for a couple of years, then went back to boy clothes and found out that puberty made that hard, and has finally settled on an aesthetic that works for her and involves mens and womens clothes).

DP. While this is helpful, it's not apples to apples. Girls can get away with wearing boy clothes or enjoying the outdoors, etc. Being labeled a tomboy doesnt have a potentially negative connotation---in fact, many moms seem to prefer and promote it (banning pink and princesses and barbies).

But it IS different for boys. My 6 year old also loves traditionally girly things: unicorns, stuffed animals, anything with sequins and glitter, etc. He hasn't asked to wear girl clothes, but he does opt for pink/salmon and purple boys clothing. He's asked for a manicure, but I wouldn't let any of my young kids get a manicure (infection risk, nail damage, too mature).

I don't have any suggestions, op, but I will follow this thread closely. Just wanted to weigh in to let you know I have a sense of what your situation is like, and I dont think it's nearly as easy as what the pp described with her daughter.

I know it's not apples to apples. The pressure on children to conform to gender is different. Boys are pressured to be tough, girls are pressured to be sexual. And so on.

That doesn't change the fact that if OP's son likes something, it's his thing. It's not "for girls." It's for him. If he's wearing a princess gown, it's his princess gown, and it's a perfectly appropriate thing for a boy to be wearing. And she needs to help him understand that, precisely because of the pressure that he's likely to encounter. Don't waste time saying it's ok for boys to like girl things - that reinforces the false concept that there are girl things! He should understand that it's his nail polish, it's his doll, it's his sparkly bicycle, and they are all appropriate for him, and anyone who says otherwise is ignorant.

Many people may like for their younger girls to be tomboys. When your adolescent girl continues to be gender nonconforming, as mine has, it's different social pressure all together. Just as there are people who think it's cute when a little boy wants his nails painted or takes good care of a doll, but aren't as thrilled if that boy as a teenager wants to wear a dress to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

+1. Please don't worry too much about this yet, OP, or get yourself too far down a path that may be difficult to reverse. I probably wouldn't allow my 5 year old boy to go as far as you've described, but chances are very good that he will eventually grow out of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 y/o son likes "girl" things. He was a princess for Halloween when he was 3 and 4. He currently has an obsession with Barbies. He has gotten much pickier about his clothes and most of the things he likes to wear come from the girls section. He is growing his hair long so he can have ponytails and braids. At the same time, he knows he is a "boy who likes girl things" and sometimes limits himself for fear of being made fun of (he won't wear dresses, for example, except when playing dress up at home). I know he's still young and things can change over time, but I also don't think this is just a phase anymore. We as parents are totally supportive of who he is and whoever he wants to be, and now just want to make sure that all of as as a family have the resources and support needed to guide him through this.

Can I ask why you allowed him to select princess for Halloween at age 3? What would have happened if you said no to that?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I also recommend checking out the book “How To Raise A Boy” - it has great thoughts on how to encourage / support emotiveness and vulnerability in boys despite the ways that society teaches them to be tough, manly, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5 y/o son likes "girl" things. He was a princess for Halloween when he was 3 and 4. He currently has an obsession with Barbies. He has gotten much pickier about his clothes and most of the things he likes to wear come from the girls section. He is growing his hair long so he can have ponytails and braids. At the same time, he knows he is a "boy who likes girl things" and sometimes limits himself for fear of being made fun of (he won't wear dresses, for example, except when playing dress up at home). I know he's still young and things can change over time, but I also don't think this is just a phase anymore. We as parents are totally supportive of who he is and whoever he wants to be, and now just want to make sure that all of as as a family have the resources and support needed to guide him through this.

Can I ask why you allowed him to select princess for Halloween at age 3? What would have happened if you said no to that?

Why ... would you say no to a child's Halloween costume?

OP, is his school environment welcoming and affirming? Are there adults who will push back if other kids give him grief?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5 y/o son likes "girl" things. He was a princess for Halloween when he was 3 and 4. He currently has an obsession with Barbies. He has gotten much pickier about his clothes and most of the things he likes to wear come from the girls section. He is growing his hair long so he can have ponytails and braids. At the same time, he knows he is a "boy who likes girl things" and sometimes limits himself for fear of being made fun of (he won't wear dresses, for example, except when playing dress up at home). I know he's still young and things can change over time, but I also don't think this is just a phase anymore. We as parents are totally supportive of who he is and whoever he wants to be, and now just want to make sure that all of as as a family have the resources and support needed to guide him through this.

Can I ask why you allowed him to select princess for Halloween at age 3? What would have happened if you said no to that?

Why ... would you say no to a child's Halloween costume?

OP, is his school environment welcoming and affirming? Are there adults who will push back if other kids give him grief?

Adults can't monitor each and every interaction. That's why teasing and bullying happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice, just wanted to let you know I think you are doing a wonderful job of supporting your child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 5 y/o son likes "girl" things. He was a princess for Halloween when he was 3 and 4. He currently has an obsession with Barbies. He has gotten much pickier about his clothes and most of the things he likes to wear come from the girls section. He is growing his hair long so he can have ponytails and braids. At the same time, he knows he is a "boy who likes girl things" and sometimes limits himself for fear of being made fun of (he won't wear dresses, for example, except when playing dress up at home). I know he's still young and things can change over time, but I also don't think this is just a phase anymore. We as parents are totally supportive of who he is and whoever he wants to be, and now just want to make sure that all of as as a family have the resources and support needed to guide him through this.

Can I ask why you allowed him to select princess for Halloween at age 3? What would have happened if you said no to that?

Why ... would you say no to a child's Halloween costume?

OP, is his school environment welcoming and affirming? Are there adults who will push back if other kids give him grief?

Because it’s not appropriate, and parents are there to guide and teach

[Anonymous]

If a three year old wanted to be Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees for Halloween, the parent needs to recognize that those are inappropriate choices and say No. Similarly...

[Anonymous]

Is he dressing in "girl" things because he likes them and they make him happy, or because he feels more like a girl than a boy? Many transgender people remember having strong feelings at an early age of being in the wrong body, of something just not being "right."

I'm not sure how closely that ties to liking pink and ponytails, but there's definitely a difference between a boy gravitating toward "girl" things, and feeling as though he really *is* a girl. That's the distinction you should be listening for when you talk with your child, and what you hear will help guide you to the right resources. Gender identity and gender expression are two different issues.