Gender Non-Conforming Boy - Looking for Resources Not Your Opinions Or Judgment

[Anonymous]

My 5 y/o son likes "girl" things. He was a princess for Halloween when he was 3 and 4. He currently has an obsession with Barbies. He has gotten much pickier about his clothes and most of the things he likes to wear come from the girls section. He is growing his hair long so he can have ponytails and braids. At the same time, he knows he is a "boy who likes girl things" and sometimes limits himself for fear of being made fun of (he won't wear dresses, for example, except when playing dress up at home). I know he's still young and things can change over time, but I also don't think this is just a phase anymore. We as parents are totally supportive of who he is and whoever he wants to be, and now just want to make sure that all of as as a family have the resources and support needed to guide him through this.

[Anonymous]

There are no girl things.

My "tomboy" (not a word we used) daughter was not "a girl who liked boy things." She was a girl. She liked things. A girl who climbs trees isn't doing a boy thing. A boy who plays dressup isn't doing a girl thing. Your son may like pretty things, or sparkly things, or all sorts of other adjectives, but I'd eliminate "girl things" from your lexicon. He's a boy. If he likes it, it's a boy thing.

This is important because kids are often shamed for liking things that aren't supposed to be for them. Whether that's still liking something when it's for "babies" or liking something that's for "boys" if you're a girl, I think giving your kid the confidence to know if he likes it, then it's for him, is critically important.

What sorts of resources are you looking for? As the parent of a gender non-conforming kid, I mostly got good at helping my daughter with words to push back against anyone who suggested that collecting worms wasn't "appropriate" for a "young lady" and things like that.

We also did a lot of mail order clothes to prevent having the fact that she was choosing "boy clothes" shoved in her face (that worked until she was about 10, then she had a crisis and tried to wear girl clothes for a couple of years, then went back to boy clothes and found out that puberty made that hard, and has finally settled on an aesthetic that works for her and involves mens and womens clothes).

[Anonymous]

Make him feel good about his likes and choices. Tell him that his family will always be there for him and love him for being true to himself. Tell him stories about how you and DH handled judgements at school.

You and your husband (not your child) should consult a good child psychologist aware of gender nonconforming issues to find out any parental pitfalls you might face. We did this for our middle child who is most likely gay and it really helped. We’re in Los Angeles with lots of LGBTQ bookstores and resources. I don’t know what it’s like in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are no girl things.

My "tomboy" (not a word we used) daughter was not "a girl who liked boy things." She was a girl. She liked things. A girl who climbs trees isn't doing a boy thing. A boy who plays dressup isn't doing a girl thing. Your son may like pretty things, or sparkly things, or all sorts of other adjectives, but I'd eliminate "girl things" from your lexicon. He's a boy. If he likes it, it's a boy thing.

This is important because kids are often shamed for liking things that aren't supposed to be for them. Whether that's still liking something when it's for "babies" or liking something that's for "boys" if you're a girl, I think giving your kid the confidence to know if he likes it, then it's for him, is critically important.

What sorts of resources are you looking for? As the parent of a gender non-conforming kid, I mostly got good at helping my daughter with words to push back against anyone who suggested that collecting worms wasn't "appropriate" for a "young lady" and things like that.

We also did a lot of mail order clothes to prevent having the fact that she was choosing "boy clothes" shoved in her face (that worked until she was about 10, then she had a crisis and tried to wear girl clothes for a couple of years, then went back to boy clothes and found out that puberty made that hard, and has finally settled on an aesthetic that works for her and involves mens and womens clothes).

DP. While this is helpful, it's not apples to apples. Girls can get away with wearing boy clothes or enjoying the outdoors, etc. Being labeled a tomboy doesnt have a potentially negative connotation---in fact, many moms seem to prefer and promote it (banning pink and princesses and barbies).

But it IS different for boys. My 6 year old also loves traditionally girly things: unicorns, stuffed animals, anything with sequins and glitter, etc. He hasn't asked to wear girl clothes, but he does opt for pink/salmon and purple boys clothing. He's asked for a manicure, but I wouldn't let any of my young kids get a manicure (infection risk, nail damage, too mature).

I don't have any suggestions, op, but I will follow this thread closely. Just wanted to weigh in to let you know I have a sense of what your situation is like, and I dont think it's nearly as easy as what the pp described with her daughter.

[Anonymous]

I like the old “Free to be You and Me” album, with messages that it’s okay to be who you are. He’s a boy who likes girly things, and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

If you don't already: I would consider to move to / live in a place that could be very supportive of my child, no matter what their gender expression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no girl things.

My "tomboy" (not a word we used) daughter was not "a girl who liked boy things." She was a girl. She liked things. A girl who climbs trees isn't doing a boy thing. A boy who plays dressup isn't doing a girl thing. Your son may like pretty things, or sparkly things, or all sorts of other adjectives, but I'd eliminate "girl things" from your lexicon. He's a boy. If he likes it, it's a boy thing.

This is important because kids are often shamed for liking things that aren't supposed to be for them. Whether that's still liking something when it's for "babies" or liking something that's for "boys" if you're a girl, I think giving your kid the confidence to know if he likes it, then it's for him, is critically important.

What sorts of resources are you looking for? As the parent of a gender non-conforming kid, I mostly got good at helping my daughter with words to push back against anyone who suggested that collecting worms wasn't "appropriate" for a "young lady" and things like that.

We also did a lot of mail order clothes to prevent having the fact that she was choosing "boy clothes" shoved in her face (that worked until she was about 10, then she had a crisis and tried to wear girl clothes for a couple of years, then went back to boy clothes and found out that puberty made that hard, and has finally settled on an aesthetic that works for her and involves mens and womens clothes).

DP. While this is helpful, it's not apples to apples. Girls can get away with wearing boy clothes or enjoying the outdoors, etc. Being labeled a tomboy doesnt have a potentially negative connotation---in fact, many moms seem to prefer and promote it (banning pink and princesses and barbies).

But it IS different for boys. My 6 year old also loves traditionally girly things: unicorns, stuffed animals, anything with sequins and glitter, etc. He hasn't asked to wear girl clothes, but he does opt for pink/salmon and purple boys clothing. He's asked for a manicure, but I wouldn't let any of my young kids get a manicure (infection risk, nail damage, too mature).

I don't have any suggestions, op, but I will follow this thread closely. Just wanted to weigh in to let you know I have a sense of what your situation is like, and I dont think it's nearly as easy as what the pp described with her daughter. [/quote

+1 -- we've made a lot of progress in a lot of areas, but boys still feel a lot of pressure to be "boyish."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are no girl things.

My "tomboy" (not a word we used) daughter was not "a girl who liked boy things." She was a girl. She liked things. A girl who climbs trees isn't doing a boy thing. A boy who plays dressup isn't doing a girl thing. Your son may like pretty things, or sparkly things, or all sorts of other adjectives, but I'd eliminate "girl things" from your lexicon. He's a boy. If he likes it, it's a boy thing.

This is important because kids are often shamed for liking things that aren't supposed to be for them. Whether that's still liking something when it's for "babies" or liking something that's for "boys" if you're a girl, I think giving your kid the confidence to know if he likes it, then it's for him, is critically important.

What sorts of resources are you looking for? As the parent of a gender non-conforming kid, I mostly got good at helping my daughter with words to push back against anyone who suggested that collecting worms wasn't "appropriate" for a "young lady" and things like that.

We also did a lot of mail order clothes to prevent having the fact that she was choosing "boy clothes" shoved in her face (that worked until she was about 10, then she had a crisis and tried to wear girl clothes for a couple of years, then went back to boy clothes and found out that puberty made that hard, and has finally settled on an aesthetic that works for her and involves mens and womens clothes).

DP. While this is helpful, it's not apples to apples. Girls can get away with wearing boy clothes or enjoying the outdoors, etc. Being labeled a tomboy doesnt have a potentially negative connotation---in fact, many moms seem to prefer and promote it (banning pink and princesses and barbies).

But it IS different for boys. My 6 year old also loves traditionally girly things: unicorns, stuffed animals, anything with sequins and glitter, etc. He hasn't asked to wear girl clothes, but he does opt for pink/salmon and purple boys clothing. He's asked for a manicure, but I wouldn't let any of my young kids get a manicure (infection risk, nail damage, too mature).

I don't have any suggestions, op, but I will follow this thread closely. Just wanted to weigh in to let you know I have a sense of what your situation is like, and I dont think it's nearly as easy as what the pp described with her daughter.

+1 -- we've made a lot of progress, but boys still feel a lot of pressure to be "boyish." If PP doesn't understand that, she must not have a kid in middle school yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't already: I would consider to move to / live in a place that could be very supportive of my child, no matter what their gender expression.

For real. We live in Charlottesville and sooooo gender fluid LOL.

[Anonymous]

Check out the resources link on the raisingmyrainbow.com blog.

[Anonymous]

My son also likes girly things. He's really stuck with it and at 9 is still very clear that pink is his favorite color. He also only wears shoes from the girls section.

He has been clear over the years that he only wants to wear boy clothes.

He doesn't want to be seen as liking girl clothes and he's never been into dresses.

So, my point is, at a certain point, it's all about supporting what your boy or eventually gender fluid child wants.

My son at least has been crystal clear about which norms he wants to follow and which he doesn't want to follow.

He was very into Shopkins for some time.

It's a bit easier for him to make boy friends now that he likes MineCraft.

So, I guess I'd say, put the focus on him. Support him as he explores and sets his limits. Don't push him past them because they are serious choices he's making about his gender expression and what feels like "him" and he'll have to deal with the consequences of say wearing dresses to school or growing his hair long. But make sure he knows he has the option.

[Anonymous]

It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

The OP is not assuming anything about her son except that he may need some support. You on the other hand....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

Gender nonconforming has nothing to do with sexual orientation, nor did the OP make any assumptions as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's a little young to be making assumptions, OP. My son's favorite color when he was little was pink. He liked to dress in pink, red and other warm colors, because they "cheered him up". He liked to play with tea sets and plush animals. Now at 14 he still likes red and likes to cook, and still makes up stories with plush animals with his little sister. Is he homosexual? Probably not.

Wow, you are totally not woke. No one says “homosexual” anymore. Also, we’re talking about being gender nonconforming - not being gay. There’s a difference.