Parents being pushy about staying at our new house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.

You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.

Either they all can or none can.

This. No one can stay.

That's our rule. We have made a few exceptions through the years, but we pick no favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re really in a pickle. Don’t accept any bedroom furniture until you talk to your wife.

And have a serious discussion with het why she doesn’t want to host your parents.

OP here: In short, my Mom has a history of saying some shitty things to my wife, which, to my mom seem like innocent comments, but I know my wife is hurt by them. Things were initially rough, but have gotten better in recent months. The other issue is that my parents often just want to get up early, hang out around the house, and stay up late, while my wife and I like to do activities outside of the house. I know all the "extreme togetherness" with my family can be alot, which is why I'm trying to be understanding of her wishes in this situation.

You and your wife really need to get it together and work it out.

Putting them in a hotel doesn't change the daytime forced togetherness. As is often the case, the post isn't about what the poster said initially.

The truth is, you don't enjoy their visits. Your wife can't stand it, and neither one of you has either a spine or some compassion. THAT is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think also OP that letting them buy you furniture opens the door to letting them give you all their junk or decorate your new house for you. Our MIL did that and drove me crazy.

This is what I don’t understand: OP decided in conversation with his mom to accept a trundle bed from her—without involving DW in the decision? Good luck with that!

Maybe the solution is that the OP and his parents stay in a hotel for a few days and hive the poor DW a break from all their illogic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.

You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.

Either they all can or none can.

Maybe her parents are respectful, don’t insult them, are actually helpful around the house rather than making more work, understand boundaries, and wouldn’t dream of inviting themselves over let alone insisting on it.

But if they’re equally rude and annoying then yes, they should get equal treatment.

OP said NOTHING about his parents doing these things, other than his mother made some comments that apparently inadvertently hurt his wife's feelings. The problem here is that OP never said NO. He said that they didn't have a bed and suggested that his parents BUY THEM A BED, which it is totally reasonable to interpret as saying that they DO want to host his parents, and making it sound like this is a logistical problem that the parents can solve. When the parents (unintentionally) called his bluff by offering to bring a new bed with them, he found himself backed into a corner. This is 100 percent on him.

He needs to tell his parents that they are not welcome to stay, and then take the heat that will follow. It's not at all clear that he or his wife ever told his mother that her comments were hurtful (he said that "he knows" that they hurt his wife's feelings, and "thinks" that his mother would think they were innocent--none of that suggests that they ever talked about this) so this is probably going to come out of left field for them, and they are going to be really hurt and shocked and offended (and pissed that OP tried to get a free bed out of them that he had no intention of letting them use). And that's on him, too.

And you can't tell them that you aren't having overnight guests at all unless you actually plan on never having overnight guests, because they will find out eventually that you let your wife's parents or whoever stay, and then you'll just have to deal with this then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted before and want to add if your parents don’t get to stay either do hers. My MIL is the difficult one and I schedule appointments out. I could not handle her staying here when my kids were born and insisted on a hotel. That’s the only time. To be fair, my parents also had to stay at a hotel during that time. We had a strict no company rule for everyone.

This is childish. There is no reason to punish innocent parties when there is an abusive ass around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I bought our first home a few months ago. My parents (who live about 6 hours away), are coming down to see the house for the first time. My wife isn't a big fan of my mom, so DW has made it clear that my parents won't be staying at our house, which I'm fine with. My mom asked about staying over at our house, and the conversation went something like this:

Mom: Can we stay over at your house?
Me: Well, we don't have a bed in the guest room yet, and you probably wouldn't be comfortable sleeping on the couch.
Mom: Oh, that's okay! We can bring a rollaway bed, or a sleeping bag.

Eventually, the conversation moved to the fact that my mom said that they'd buy us some furniture as a housewarming gift, and it went like this.

Me: How about this, as your housewarming gift, we can pick out a trundle bed, and that way, in the future, you guys will have a place to stay here.
Mom: Well, if we buy a trundle bed while we're down there, it will take time to set up, and we'll have to get mattresses. We actually have a trundle bed here that we never took out of the box that we can bring down!
Me: How will you fit in it your car?
Mom: We'll bring the minivan!

Eventually, I told her that I had to go to end the conversation and that I'd call her back. Anyways, I'm not really sure how to handle this moving forward. I know my Mom, and she just isn't going to take no for an answer on this, but I know that what my wife wants is more important than what my mom wants, but how do I tell my mom "no," without saying, "Mom, DW hates you, and she doesn't want you guys staying here to limit our time together."

Your parents are not being pushy; you are leading them on. First, you suggested that they couldn't stay with you solely because you were concerned about their comfort. Then you actually suggested that they could stay with you if they bought you a bed. Just tell her you don't want them to stay with you because of past comments she has made about your wife.

[Anonymous]

It’s enough that the parents want to get up early and stay up late. Send them to a hotel so they can set their own schedule.

[Anonymous]

I won’t judge you or your wife for the reasons you don’t want them to stay...but suggesting they buy you furniture to sleep on at your house is sending a mixed message.

You need to be direct and tell them they can’t stay. If they CAN stay next time, then include that, but if they can’t, don’t make them think they can later. It will come back to bit you.

[Anonymous]

OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is mean. You want to have a relationship with your parents to and love them. I think your wife could be kinder. She puts you in a difficult spot. Can’t you all get along, for a weekend?

TJIS.
Seriously, if it is ok for your wife to dictate that your parents cannot stay then you need to man up and say we don’t want you here OR man the eff up and talk thru the issues.
I cannot imagine doing this to my husband. And if my problems with my MIL were that bad then I need to boss up and say it to her face and have a grown up conversation.
This sneaky bulls***is petty and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re really in a pickle. Don’t accept any bedroom furniture until you talk to your wife.

And have a serious discussion with het why she doesn’t want to host your parents.

OP here: In short, my Mom has a history of saying some shitty things to my wife, which, to my mom seem like innocent comments, but I know my wife is hurt by them. Things were initially rough, but have gotten better in recent months. The other issue is that my parents often just want to get up early, hang out around the house, and stay up late, while my wife and I like to do activities outside of the house. I know all the "extreme togetherness" with my family can be alot, which is why I'm trying to be understanding of her wishes in this situation.

You and your wife need to grow the he’ll up.
Really grow up. DUMBEST ASS REASONS IN THE WORLD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Those comments are rude, but in NO WAY do they justify rejecting a family member. Your wife needs to toughen up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did your mom say to your wife that was so hurtful?

I don't get the idea that they would buy or give you a bed...when your goal is to not have them stay with you. It seems counterproductive.

If your mother is actually mean - then deal with that. You tell her.

Mom - remember how you made those comments to Sarah about how she was fat as a whale and ate like a football team - those commented were pretty hurtful and it would be uncomfortable to have you in the house all the time. There is a great hotel just a block away and that way if things get tense or if anyone is uncomfortable then we have separate spaces to go back to. If down, the road, we have a better relationship with you, then we can revisit this.

Yep, don't pussyfoot around about it. You admit your mom said shitty things to your wife. There are consequences for that, which is that its too uncomfortable to stay under the same roof.

Team DW

He admitted his wife was hurt
MIL’s intentions may have not been to be hurtful, but the bottom line is you have a grown ass conversation, not hide what you are doing.
What
Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Those comments are rude, but in NO WAY do they justify rejecting a family member. Your wife needs to toughen up.

+1 the comments are not that bad.

So you had a talk with your mom about her behavior, and she improved. But you're still going to punish her for past behavior? Agree with everyone, you and your wife suck. You could probably bridge the divide with effort and peacemaking skills, but instead you're botching it all and making the divide even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Those comments are rude, but in NO WAY do they justify rejecting a family member. Your wife needs to toughen up.

+1 the comments are not that bad.

So you had a talk with your mom about her behavior, and she improved. But you're still going to punish her for past behavior? Agree with everyone, you and your wife suck. You could probably bridge the divide with effort and peacemaking skills, but instead you're botching it all and making the divide even worse.

This. If your talk with your mom led to a change in her behavior (which was not great but not that horrible) then there is no reason to punish her.
Is your wife just in general stressed about moving and setting up the new house?
Maybe it's just better to have this visit at another time.