Parents being pushy about staying at our new house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I bought our first home a few months ago. My parents (who live about 6 hours away), are coming down to see the house for the first time. My wife isn't a big fan of my mom, so DW has made it clear that my parents won't be staying at our house, which I'm fine with. My mom asked about staying over at our house, and the conversation went something like this:


Mom: Can we stay over at your house?
Me: Well, we don't have a bed in the guest room yet, and you probably wouldn't be comfortable sleeping on the couch.
Mom: Oh, that's okay! We can bring a rollaway bed, or a sleeping bag.

Eventually, the conversation moved to the fact that my mom said that they'd buy us some furniture as a housewarming gift, and it went like this.

Me: How about this, as your housewarming gift, we can pick out a trundle bed, and that way, in the future, you guys will have a place to stay here.
Mom: Well, if we buy a trundle bed while we're down there, it will take time to set up, and we'll have to get mattresses. We actually have a trundle bed here that we never took out of the box that we can bring down!
Me: How will you fit in it your car?







You already threw your wife under the bus.
Mom: We'll bring the minivan!

Eventually, I told her that I had to go to end the conversation and that I'd call her back. Anyways, I'm not really sure how to handle this moving forward. I know my Mom, and she just isn't going to take no for an answer on this, but I know that what my wife wants is more important than what my mom wants, but how do I tell my mom "no," without saying, "Mom, DW hates you, and she doesn't want you guys staying here to limit our time together."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you need to be firm with your mom. People with pushy parents get used to giving in and being pushed around. You probably figure its not worth the hassle to keep saying no and give in. Now you are married and it sounds like you married someone who is not a push over and doesn't want to invite the drama into your house. Your mother will not like having you say no to her and many boundary pushing people will react harshly when a boundary is set. You are going to have to deal with this eventually so its better to do it now.

Look forward a few years and what will happen when your mother invites herself to stay with you after your new baby is born? What happens when your wife says no way and mom insists? Get your mother used to the hotel and some appropriate boundaries. She needs to learn to respect that you are an independent adult not her man child. You don't need to be rude about it or say anything hurtful. Its better not to have a reason.

Mom, we didn't invite you to stay with us. There is a hotel nearby and we would be happy to get together for insert all the appropriate times.

Mom, we are not going to host you and dad, please stop pushing.

If she whines, why? Just say, it doesn't matter. We just aren't comfortable hosting. We'd love to see you but if you keep insisting on only staying in our house then we'll need to cancel the visit.

Gurlllllll
This is an appointment with YOUR therapist and a major exaggeration of what OP said.

DP: I dunno. The disconnect between OP describing his mom as “pushy” and the conversation as he recounted it suggests there is something off there, like that OP is in the habit of being passive to accommodate his bulldog mom.

[Anonymous]

If your wife can’t deal with the woman who raise you spending the night because she said something mean once, your wife sounds like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Convenient that your wife never needs to ask her own parents to get a hotel. You married a super B, OP!

WTF are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Listen to your wife, dude.

[Anonymous]

OP if I was your wife I would be pretty annoyed. Your wife agreed to the visit but not to hosting your parents and you agreed with her, were on board. When you tried to tell your mom to stay in a hotel, you let your mom turn it around where not only is she staying with you but she is bringing a bed. Your mom knows exactly what she is doing. She plans on leaving the bed there and now of course she can always stay because after all she brought the bed.

My aunt did something similar to my cousin. When they bought a new house, my cousin's mom insisted on bringing furniture for the guest room. My cousin didn't catch on to what was happening but her mom basically made it HER room. Now my cousin has issues with her mom calling it her room, informing them when she is coming and not to worry she'll just stay in her room. Her mom believes that she always get priority since its HER room and expects my cousin to cancel on people who she is expecting if her mom announces that she will be coming to stay in HER room.

I don't know if your mom will go as far as her mom but you are opening the door to more drama. Call your mom back and tell her you are sorry if you were not clear but you and your wife will not be hosting them right now. They are welcome to stay in a hotel which is really close. If that doesn't work for them then we'll have to just cancel the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Those comments are rude, but in NO WAY do they justify rejecting a family member. Your wife needs to toughen up.

+1 This is nothing compared to shit my MIL has said- and I'm having dinner alone with her tomorrow night! #biggerperson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

Those comments are rude, but in NO WAY do they justify rejecting a family member. Your wife needs to toughen up.

+1 This is nothing compared to shit my MIL has said- and I'm having dinner alone with her tomorrow night! #biggerperson

Well, aren’t you smug! Whatever. Life is too short to spend time catering to a hostile MIL.

[Anonymous]

I can’t stand my MIL. Every time she visits I’m so upset. I still tolerate her visiting 1-2 times per year.

We used to live in Manhattan in a 2 bedroom apartment and I fought hard for her to stay in a hotel. She still slept on our couch in our living room.

DH usually lets me get what I want but always convinced me to let his mom stay. I refuse to vacation with her though.

Unless your mom did some unforgivable monumental wrong, your wife is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t stand my MIL. Every time she visits I’m so upset. I still tolerate her visiting 1-2 times per year.

We used to live in Manhattan in a 2 bedroom apartment and I fought hard for her to stay in a hotel. She still slept on our couch in our living room.

DH usually lets me get what I want but always convinced me to let his mom stay. I refuse to vacation with her though.

Unless your mom did some unforgivable monumental wrong, your wife is being unreasonable.

So because you lost the argument, then OP’s wife is unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if I was your wife I would be pretty annoyed. Your wife agreed to the visit but not to hosting your parents and you agreed with her, were on board. When you tried to tell your mom to stay in a hotel, you let your mom turn it around where not only is she staying with you but she is bringing a bed. Your mom knows exactly what she is doing. She plans on leaving the bed there and now of course she can always stay because after all she brought the bed.

My aunt did something similar to my cousin. When they bought a new house, my cousin's mom insisted on bringing furniture for the guest room. My cousin didn't catch on to what was happening but her mom basically made it HER room. Now my cousin has issues with her mom calling it her room, informing them when she is coming and not to worry she'll just stay in her room. Her mom believes that she always get priority since its HER room and expects my cousin to cancel on people who she is expecting if her mom announces that she will be coming to stay in HER room.

I don't know if your mom will go as far as her mom but you are opening the door to more drama. Call your mom back and tell her you are sorry if you were not clear but you and your wife will not be hosting them right now. They are welcome to stay in a hotel which is really close. If that doesn't work for them then we'll have to just cancel the visit.

That's not how OP reported the conversation. He told his mom that she should stay in a hotel because they didn't have a guest bed, then asked her to buy him a bed so she could stay in the future! She just agreed to his suggestion, and offered to bring the bed with her. Of course she would leave the bed there, because that's what OP asked for.
Maybe she is pushy in some aspects, but this is not a good example. This is OP being passive and indirect and having it blow up in his face. He didn't tell his mom that her comments were upsetting his wife until very recently, so I think this is a person who avoids conflict and conversations he thinks might be unpleasant. Now, if he calls his mom and tells her she can't stay, he's going to have to admit that he lied to her before, which is just going to make the whole thing worse. He wasn't "not clear," he actively misled her about the situation.

Personally, I think that OP's wife is being unreasonable, but if she and OP agree, then he needs to be clear with his parents. He's going to tell them that they have to stay in a hotel, even though his home has a guest bedroom, and they aren't going to like it and will likely take it personally. And they will be right to do so! It is personal. But OP can't eat his cake and have it, too. If he's on board with them not staying, then he needs to accept the consequences, which includes them having their feelings hurt and being upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have parents who love you, and will drive to see your house. And want to give you furniture. And they can’t stay at your house? You suck.

+1 I hope my DS doesn’t marry a woman like your wife. And you’re just rolling over. You do suck.

Don't be a bitch to your DIL and everything should work out just fine

[Anonymous]

If your DW refuses to allow your mother to stay in your house then you should not allow her mother to stay in house. You should tell your mother the truth--that you agree with your wife and do not want your own mother to stay in your house.

[Anonymous]

I think that the OP and his wife should stand firm on MIL staying in a hotel. It doesn't work to agree to something that you know will be unpleasant just to make a pushy person happy. This never works out and more resentment builds. It is far healthier to establish boundaries that will allow relatives to connect and enjoy each other's company rather than force a situation that will make the hosts miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.

You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.

Either they all can or none can.

+1
OP, you and your wife are unbelievable. Is this your family or not? You both sound selfish and clueless. FWIW, I’m a DW, with in-laws that I used to despise. They often said things that felt rude or alienating to me. But they stayed with us for visits. We had the space. They are family. They raised DH. DH loves them. Did I like it? No. But it was the right thing to do. No way would I ask for them to buy me furniture but not welcome them in my home!

BTW, after 15 years of putting up with them, I’ve gradually come to really appreciate them. I understand DH better. I understand his family of origin. They’ve become my extended family. They are the grandparents to our children. I definitely think having them stay with us on occasion helped us connect better.