Parents being pushy about staying at our new house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is unkind not to let parents to stay with you. Not liking parent is not a good reason. A parent is a parent. They raised both of you, each of you have set of parents and unless there is no truly gigantic reason not to have them over then just sheer not liking is not one of them on my book. Every relationship needs opportunity to grow and when you are together you will have this opportunity. If you think you need to "put up" with the parent or parents, then put up with them. They had to put up with you for decades, and pay for your needs and brought you up. Your wife has no idea how much it must hurt your mother and nether do you, that you are talking about this like it was a business arrangement.
Loving or liking is optional, paying dues is a moral obligation. If the mom would be man, straightforward mean to your wife then this is an issue, separate. But if they just don't hug and leack eachother faces, that is not a problem.
You have to consider that your mom just like you one day probably think that nobody is good enough for her child.
You both just have to step down from the high horses and live a little and relate a little to other person's feelings and expectances that are grounded in work invested over the years. Your wife however wonderful probably did not do as much for you as your mom, and wives do come and go and you have only one set of parents.
Do not disrespect your wife, but do not trash your parents to please her either. You need to find a solid ground and put your foot down. Fair is fair. You need to discuss with your wife where you coming from, where your mom is coming from and you need to remind her gently what it takes to raise a child. Day in and day out, all the things that are invested in raising a child. It is NOT too much to ask to stay at your home.

You would break your mom's heart and it takes so much to mend such a break. Do not do that for anyone for such a frivolous reason.

If your parents will visit many times and at one point things will go hairy then you might consider some alternative arrangements but not from a get go when you have a new house and your parents are so excited to celebrate it with you at your new place. On my book you depraving something they earned hard fair and square.

What a long bunch of bullshit. His marriage to his wife comes first. God if someone told my husband to put his foot down wrt putting me in my place, I'd be handing him a card with the name of my divorce attorney. Is this 1950? How old are you pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing that the PP ranting about whether the wife invites her own mother to stay is a pissed off MIL who feels she isn't getting what she is entitled to get. This post has nothing to do with the OP's wife's mother so stop projecting your whiny insecurity over whether your grandma competition is getting more than you. Geez.


For the OP I would strongly urge you not to tell your mother that your wife is just upset about what she said. My guess from your post and behavior is that you know very well how your mother is pushy and wants to get her way/not take no for answer. Your mother will want to confront your wife to educate her on how she is wrong and then waltz her pushy butt into your house. This will not go well.

People -including older people need to stop behaving like entitled children. You don't demand or insist to stay at someone's house. You don't keep tabs on what the other in laws are getting to do or not do. You don't demand things be perfectly equal like you were 6. If you want a good relationship with someone you need to behave appropriately. This means not saying nasty things to people or inviting herself over.

Whoa... you're off the rails.

Talk about projecting, yikes.

Np here. I think pp had it right. You don't.

[Anonymous]

I do not get the poster who keeps bringing up that if OP's mother can't stay then his wife's mother can't stay. OP has already said that his wife's mother has no intention of staying. This isn't relevant so why is that poster constantly harping on it? I think there are several entitled or enraged older women with adult children on this forum now.

Good boundaries make good relatives. OP's mother should not feel entitled to stay with them. No one should feel entitled to stay at anyone's house. OP should not feel that his mother gets to dictate whether they host or not. It is not her house.

[Anonymous]

I'm kinda stunned at the number of responses jumping all over OP and his DW, insisting that not allowing his parents to stay at his and DW's new home is horrific, particularly in light of his request that they purchase a bed in which they can stay in the future.

For whatever reason, I'm inferring that OP hasn't been married a particularly long time, although this is pure conjecture. Regardless, to my way of thinking 8 months is still 'settling time' for a couple and a new home, especially if both parties are working and if there's any renovation, so I can easily see myself saying that we're not yet ready for houseguests staying over, even family, and we're treating overnights to a room at the Marriott, but entertaining lunch and dinner at our house (something along those lines), so that everyone will be more comfortable. This is the truth. OP can tell this to his mother and also explain that he should have been more forthcoming initially and that his DW and he are still also working through some of the pain of the relationship's earlier days as he's discussed with his mom earlier.

FWIW, I had a really, really tough start with my MIL, who passed away somewhat suddenly 10 years ago. We had to set some boundaries relatively similar to these, in part because of comments very close to those OP's mom made, early on in our relationship. Doing so was HARD, but it would have been so much harder if we had gone on with the expectations that were a lot more free-floating...and we did end up making some pretty remarkable memories as a result and after some difficult starts, by the time DD was born we'd found ways to keep great perspectives, appropriate boundaries, intact feelings, and most importantly, to create a special relationship between our daughter and her Nana before she passed away. Good luck to you OP. You can work with your DW and your mom to get this right, but you *do* need to take responsibility to get it back on track.