Parents being pushy about staying at our new house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they live 20 minutes away why do they want to stay over?

HER parents live 20 minutes away; HIS parents live 6 hours away.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing that the PP ranting about whether the wife invites her own mother to stay is a pissed off MIL who feels she isn't getting what she is entitled to get. This post has nothing to do with the OP's wife's mother so stop projecting your whiny insecurity over whether your grandma competition is getting more than you. Geez.


For the OP I would strongly urge you not to tell your mother that your wife is just upset about what she said. My guess from your post and behavior is that you know very well how your mother is pushy and wants to get her way/not take no for answer. Your mother will want to confront your wife to educate her on how she is wrong and then waltz her pushy butt into your house. This will not go well.

People -including older people need to stop behaving like entitled children. You don't demand or insist to stay at someone's house. You don't keep tabs on what the other in laws are getting to do or not do. You don't demand things be perfectly equal like you were 6. If you want a good relationship with someone you need to behave appropriately. This means not saying nasty things to people or inviting herself over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - your mistake is not being clear. "Mom, we will need for you to stay in a hotel"

"We are not inviting overnight guests"

Silent. Let the crickets chirp.

Lot of people do not invite others to stay with them, for all sorts of reasons. You do provide any explanation.

If you provide an explanation, and your Mom sees it as a problem to be solved, she will try to solve the imagined problem : buy you a guest bed.

We are not talking about "others". We are talking about parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: In short, my Mom has a history of saying some shitty things to my wife, which, to my mom seem like innocent comments, but I know my wife is hurt by them. Things were initially rough, but have gotten better in recent months. The other issue is that my parents often just want to get up early, hang out around the house, and stay up late, while my wife and I like to do activities outside of the house. I know all the "extreme togetherness" with my family can be alot, which is why I'm trying to be understanding of her wishes in this situation.

Give a couple of examples. Judging by this board some DILs like to get worked up by really stupid $**t.

fyi, I am not MIL, i am DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with some comments:

- Regarding what my mom has said that’s upset DW, some examples are that my mom said “our wedding wasn’t important,” and she called DW “my girlfriend” (after we’d been married for over a year). These aren’t the only two examples, but two of the issues that come to mind. Generally speaking, my mom is pushy and kinda rude at times, and I know that rubs DW the wrong way.A few months ago, I had a come to Jesus talk with my mom about this stuff (at DWs request), and since then, things have been better, but DW specifically requested that they not stay over at our house on this trip, so I’m trying not to rock the boat.

- DWs parents live 20 minutes away, so they wouldn’t ever stay over. FWIW, we haven’t had any overnight guests in the 8 months that we’ve lived in our house.

In other words you want to punish your parents for the fact that they don't live 20 minutes away and for the fact that you had not have overnight guests for the last 8 months????

Also, what your mother did is relatively small potatoes, it might indicate that your mom does not like your wife, or that she just is a little angry or can not let go something.. but this is not the reason to turn the cavalcade on her!
You have a long life to learn more about the relationship diplomacy and this is a good start. Mom is an older person, you both need to chill a little and grow a forgiving bone not to sharpen the knives!

I don’t blame DW for not wanting someone rude and actively dismissive of her existence staying in her home. Mom needs to shape up before she ruins a young marriage.

+1

Refusing to acknowledge that she’s married to you is beyond rude, it’s abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing that the PP ranting about whether the wife invites her own mother to stay is a pissed off MIL who feels she isn't getting what she is entitled to get. This post has nothing to do with the OP's wife's mother so stop projecting your whiny insecurity over whether your grandma competition is getting more than you. Geez.


For the OP I would strongly urge you not to tell your mother that your wife is just upset about what she said. My guess from your post and behavior is that you know very well how your mother is pushy and wants to get her way/not take no for answer. Your mother will want to confront your wife to educate her on how she is wrong and then waltz her pushy butt into your house. This will not go well.

People -including older people need to stop behaving like entitled children. You don't demand or insist to stay at someone's house. You don't keep tabs on what the other in laws are getting to do or not do. You don't demand things be perfectly equal like you were 6. If you want a good relationship with someone you need to behave appropriately. This means not saying nasty things to people or inviting herself over.

Whoa... you're off the rails.

Talk about projecting, yikes.

[Anonymous]

Don't allow your wife to make this the hill that she dies on, it won't help with their situation in thr future.

Trust me.

I was in a similar situation & if I could go back in time and just be the bigger person, I would in a heartbeat. The ramifications have been to great.

Sometimes being right ends up hurting you in the end.

- DIL

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to be firm with your mom. People with pushy parents get used to giving in and being pushed around. You probably figure its not worth the hassle to keep saying no and give in. Now you are married and it sounds like you married someone who is not a push over and doesn't want to invite the drama into your house. Your mother will not like having you say no to her and many boundary pushing people will react harshly when a boundary is set. You are going to have to deal with this eventually so its better to do it now.

Look forward a few years and what will happen when your mother invites herself to stay with you after your new baby is born? What happens when your wife says no way and mom insists? Get your mother used to the hotel and some appropriate boundaries. She needs to learn to respect that you are an independent adult not her man child. You don't need to be rude about it or say anything hurtful. Its better not to have a reason.

Mom, we didn't invite you to stay with us. There is a hotel nearby and we would be happy to get together for insert all the appropriate times.

Mom, we are not going to host you and dad, please stop pushing.

If she whines, why? Just say, it doesn't matter. We just aren't comfortable hosting. We'd love to see you but if you keep insisting on only staying in our house then we'll need to cancel the visit.

[Anonymous]

You need to be direct. I’m sorry you can’t stay with us. We got you a hotel room/air Bnb 5 min away.

[Anonymous]

I don't even see that OP's mom is being pushy. He NEVER SAID NO. He asked her to buy a bed so they'd have a place to sleep! She agreed to give them a new bed! From her POV, OP is communicating that they can stay if they can solve the bed issue, and she's solved the bed issue.

Personally, I think that you let your parents stay, because your mom's behavior has improved after you FINALLY told her that her comments were upsetting your wife. So before she comes, you praise her for improving and remind her to be on her best behavior, because you want her and your wife to get along. And you plan activities so you aren't all sitting around the house driving each other nuts. And you tell your wife to grow a thicker skin, because you love your parents and want to see them. And all of you behave like mature adults who want to build a relationship.

[Anonymous]

8 pages later, the wife is still a jerk for not letting parents stay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8 pages later, the wife is still a jerk for not letting parents stay

[Anonymous]

yeah, I'm not getting this. You don't want them staying there-ever, so you encourage them to buy a trundle bed to stay in when they stay over? And better yet- they already have one? At best, like you stated, you only get out of jail free once on this. You sound like you didn't actually put up a boundary on this with them.

Which is fine because I'm not sure that you need one. Do you have an understanding of what the issue is between DW and them? Who is right? I get that your DW has to 'win' this, but is she actually right?

Long story short/what's the drama, because your DW may in fact be a b!tch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:8 pages later, the wife is still a jerk for not letting parents stay

Yup, pretty much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you need to be firm with your mom. People with pushy parents get used to giving in and being pushed around. You probably figure its not worth the hassle to keep saying no and give in. Now you are married and it sounds like you married someone who is not a push over and doesn't want to invite the drama into your house. Your mother will not like having you say no to her and many boundary pushing people will react harshly when a boundary is set. You are going to have to deal with this eventually so its better to do it now.

Look forward a few years and what will happen when your mother invites herself to stay with you after your new baby is born? What happens when your wife says no way and mom insists? Get your mother used to the hotel and some appropriate boundaries. She needs to learn to respect that you are an independent adult not her man child. You don't need to be rude about it or say anything hurtful. Its better not to have a reason.

Mom, we didn't invite you to stay with us. There is a hotel nearby and we would be happy to get together for insert all the appropriate times.

Mom, we are not going to host you and dad, please stop pushing.

If she whines, why? Just say, it doesn't matter. We just aren't comfortable hosting. We'd love to see you but if you keep insisting on only staying in our house then we'll need to cancel the visit.

Gurlllllll
This is an appointment with YOUR therapist and a major exaggeration of what OP said.