Parents being pushy about staying at our new house

[Anonymous]

You have parents who love you, and will drive to see your house. And want to give you furniture. And they can’t stay at your house? You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am going to go with team DW/DH on this one. Its incredibly rude to insist on staying in someone's house when the host has already said no. It shows a huge lack of boundaries on the part of your mother. She can afford to stay in a hotel, it is nearby and you have told her it doesn't work for you to host them. A respectful family member would book the hotel not demand to stay. Its also a red flag when the person being told no starts arguing with whatever reason the person saying no said.

I'm a happy host and we host people all the time. My MIL comes about every 6 weeks and it is never a problem. Same goes for extended family and friends. I have learned though to never host people during times of stress and upheaval. New baby - no way. Just moved in - no way. In fact, when we moved into our 1st house years ago we agreed to host MIL and SIL the first month after we moved in. It was a nightmare, To them it was a project to get to place house. They wanted to go shopping for things, had constant opinions on what we should do and drove us crazy. They were excited and thought it would be fun to do this and had zero listening skills to when we said no. Once our house was set up they went back to behaving like normal guests and everything is fine.

It sounds like this is exactly what your mother has plans and your wife is smart to say no way.

Just call your mother back and tell her that hosting her does not work. If she protests, just repeat and cancel the visit if you have to cancel it. It is perfectly fine to not want to host someone to stay overnight. The problem with pushy people is that when they hear a no and are successful getting the other person to give in then they just become that much more emboldened to be even pushier the next time.

You’re projecting. He DIDN’T tell her no. He gave a lame reason (no bed) and specifically implied staying there in general is not a problem (“buy us one”). He also said nothing about it being a stressful time. He gave one reason: his DW doesn’t like his mother (and apparently mom doesn’t know that, or why, and they won’t tell her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have parents who love you, and will drive to see your house. And want to give you furniture. And they can’t stay at your house? You suck.

+1 I hope my DS doesn’t marry a woman like your wife. And you’re just rolling over. You do suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.

You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.

Either they all can or none can.

Maybe her parents are respectful, don’t insult them, are actually helpful around the house rather than making more work, understand boundaries, and wouldn’t dream of inviting themselves over let alone insisting on it.

But if they’re equally rude and annoying then yes, they should get equal treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is mean. You want to have a relationship with your parents to and love them. I think your wife could be kinder. She puts you in a difficult spot. Can’t you all get along, for a weekend?

+1

[Anonymous]

Your house, your rules.
Don't accept furniture as a gift or it will be harder to say no.

Just book a hotel for them and don't make it about you but about how it will be confortable for them.

Make this a rule now or you will never be able to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

OP here: DW and I have talked about getting a trundle bed for the guest room regardless of my parents visiting. My thinking was that by telling my mom she can get us the bed as a gift, it gives me an out for why they can't stay here this time.

DO you mean a Murphy bed? Trundle is usually a bed under another bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents can't stay NEITHER can hers.

You can't play favorites, if she wants it this way then she can't have her parents stay either.

Either they all can or none can.

This. No one can stay.

[Anonymous]

Look, I don’t like my ILs, I think they treat DH poorly compared to his siblings and this has caused a major rift in the family. But I would not dream of turning them away if they wanted to stay at our house for a night or two, which they have. Bottom line is they are his parents. Also remember that you are teaching your kids how to treat you in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want my parents to stay at our house so I suggested they get us a bed so they can stay in our house? Make it make sense OP.

Yeah, this made NO sense. You say you want to back up your wife, but then you try to wring a new bed out of your parents? So they can...NOT stay in that bed? This makes NO sense.

I dunno. It’s the type of crappy logic my husband would use. Just to temporarily get out of a conflict. Even if it makes things way worse later.

Yes, I’ve seen multiple men do this and it makes matters worse because they are so wish washy and indirect, everyone gets mixed signals and misunderstandings increase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I invest my energy into nurturing my sons, it makes me wonder if it's worthwhile to pour all my tears and sweat into assholes like you who won't even tolerate me for a weekend. Seriously, people. Be kind to your parents!

Make sure you're kind to your future DILs.

DP Maybe she tried to be and the DIL is the unreasonable one here? i hope her parents aren't allowed to stay in the house!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I don’t like my ILs, I think they treat DH poorly compared to his siblings and this has caused a major rift in the family. But I would not dream of turning them away if they wanted to stay at our house for a night or two, which they have. Bottom line is they are his parents. Also remember that you are teaching your kids how to treat you in the future.

This. I can't stand my ILs. I don't enjoy being around them, I think they're rude and self centered, and their dog who comes everywhere with them is gross. But they're my husband's parents and if they want to visit their son, I deal. They aren't abusive or dangerous, and they don't stay for weeks at a time, so I can be a grown up and manage for a long weekend here and there.

[Anonymous]

OP just be straight. DH wanted his sister to stay with us. Our house is small and we/they are not really close. After a fairly disastrous visit where she ran us all over town then collapsed sick for three days we said, a nice hotel would be better.
It actually is much better: she can control her time. She can take her nap/ downtime when she wants to etc etc. it makes for a much better visit actually.

[Anonymous]

I think also OP that letting them buy you furniture opens the door to letting them give you all their junk or decorate your new house for you. Our MIL did that and drove me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the bit about the trundle bed. You're not deterring her. You're actively inviting her to sleep at your house in the future.

Yes, OP, I realize that you are in a really uncomfortable position but it's not fair to your parents to pretend that they can't stay at your house because of a lack of furniture. You need to be direct and ask them to stay in a hotel. Sorry, it sucks, but it has to be done.