Can anyone help me understand family with really low expectations for their kids?

[Anonymous]

My parents expectations for us was that we could be independent, responsible adults who could live on our own and pay all our bills. They didn't care at all how we got there.

They also had expectations that we would be people of integrity who would live law abiding, honest lives.

Happy or rich or successful were not expectations they ever had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see a problem with this. In a lot of ways it’s probably better than the pressure cooker scenario so common here.

Because there's no healthy medium between psychotic tiger parenting ... and hands-off cluelessness where your kids mix with future trailer park residents?

You are a true piece of work. I grew up in a trailer park, went to college, didn't get pregnant until my 30s, never been hooked on drugs, oh, and I make well over 250K. I look back on my childhood and don't ever think we were trash and my parents were amazing. They don't have college degrees but worked hard for their family and gave us the room to figure out what makes us happy.

I can't wait until karma catches up with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to back off. It might be different than what you’re talking about, but honestly I’m happy my son will graduate. I’m happy he’s going to be alive to graduate. I’ll be ecstatic if his gpa is 3.3 and he makes it into a state school. I’ll tell him how proud I am of him if it’s 2.8 and he goes to community college. I’m cool with him taking a year or two off to work and save for college while he learns what the real world is like.

He has severe anxiety and depression and was suicidal for a while. He overcame those hurdles and is trying to get back on track, but he did poorly in some classes his freshman and sophomore years. All he can do now is try to repair the damage and learn from his mistakes, while trying to stay healthy. I’d rather have a healthy, reasonably happy, low performing child than heap on the pressure to the point where I have no son.

IRL, when someone asks why DS isn’t taking all the AP classes possible or passes judgment on his college prospects, I’m not going to air all his dirty laundry. I just play it off like it’s no big deal. It isn’t. His health is our big deal.

So yeah. You can take your judgment and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

+100

[Anonymous]

I have a very judge mental SIL who always talks about all the wonderful things her kids do. And a judgemental BIL (not related!). who was shocked I sent my kids to public school. When I talk to them, I do find myself under-playing my own efforts for my kids. It’s the easiest way not to get caught in their rat race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you realize just how much can go wrong, their goals sound fine. I have a friend who says “alive at 25” is his goal.

Here is what I DO NOT want for my kids -
1) Death or being terminally ill
2) Being lost or kidnapped
3) Being abused and tortured
4) Being depressed or mentally ill
5) Being addicted
6) Being a criminal or felon and in jail
7) Disability
8) Being pregnant without marriage.

Everything else is just a bump in the road.

My kids go to private and I know at least 1 parent who is dealing with these.

[Anonymous]

I was the shining all-AP, National Merit, club President, class leader, star of the school plays, elite liberal arts college daughter. I’m glad my parents didn’t crow about my accomplishments or act smug and competitive, because shit hit the fan when I developed bipolar disorder at 20. I self medicated with drugs and alcohol to simply get through the day until I was properly diagnosed and treated. My parents loved and supported me through it. I have a degree and a career that I’m incredibly proud of, even though both are less prestigious than what I was on track to achieve. They’re glad I’m alive and functioning in society. There but the grace of God, and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see a problem with this. In a lot of ways it’s probably better than the pressure cooker scenario so common here.

Because there's no healthy medium between psychotic tiger parenting ... and hands-off cluelessness where your kids mix with future trailer park residents?

You are a true piece of work. I grew up in a trailer park, went to college, didn't get pregnant until my 30s, never been hooked on drugs, oh, and I make well over 250K. I look back on my childhood and don't ever think we were trash and my parents were amazing. They don't have college degrees but worked hard for their family and gave us the room to figure out what makes us happy.

I can't wait until karma catches up with you!

NP. Whoa, calm down, the rolly eyes and obvious hyperbole were meant to be sarcastic, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

This forum is just full of contrarian trolls with no life. “How dare you demonize trashy unmotivated loser teens, they could turn out to be master plumbers one day!” Yeah, you go ahead and bet on that. Let your daughters take losers like that to homecoming dances and prom while you’re at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This forum is just full of contrarian trolls with no life. “How dare you demonize trashy unmotivated loser teens, they could turn out to be master plumbers one day!” Yeah, you go ahead and bet on that. Let your daughters take losers like that to homecoming dances and prom while you’re at it.

You are so batshit. Your poor children are going to be so messed up, if they're not already.

[Anonymous]

It’s hilarious how sanctimonious phonies populate this forum — e.g. every teen is a good human being! Meanwhile the school and real estate forums are all about obsessively studying free lunch, rental and test rates to avoid lower class schools and neighborhoods and maximizing your real estate investment. Too funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's entirely possible that the relatives find OP incredibly annoying and were downplaying and deflecting to try to change the subject.

OP is very clearly describing Hillbilly Elegy’s premise. Parents that make enough money to have middle class signals — decent house, safe but somewhat downscale neighborhood, late model cars — but backwards white trash mores and household culture that sets their children up for a life of failure in a modern global economy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hilarious how sanctimonious phonies populate this forum — e.g. every teen is a good human being! Meanwhile the school and real estate forums are all about obsessively studying free lunch, rental and test rates to avoid lower class schools and neighborhoods and maximizing your real estate investment. Too funny.

Seriously. Love how the DCUM -- we are barely scraping by as lower middle class at 300k crowd is suddenly jumping all over OP because she wants her kids to go to college, have a $$$ profession etc. You know all of you are doing what you can to live in the "right' districts -- i.e. white/Asian with a huge % going to college, low teen pregnancy, low school lunch -- and get your kids into the right colleges so they'll launch into ibanking, law, med, tech etc. But how dare OP criticize BIL/SIL for letting their kids hang out with the pregnant losers who'll be working retail jobs!?

OP -- are they small town people? Bc this mentality totally exists in small towns. There are SO many kids dropping out, pregnant at 16, doing drugs, barely making the grades in school to where it's known that their future will consist of retail or factories. So then the regular families who have kids who are B or C students, who go to school, don't make trouble and are just gaming all the time at home -- they AND THE KIDS start to think -- OMG we really have our lives together, such great kids, they'll do great in life. Reality is that was considered fine in 1970, but it certainly isn't competitive in 2019. Often the parents realize it when the kid goes to the middling local u and then it becomes abundantly clear as they graduate in 6 yrs hopping from one major to the next that this is a kid destined for a paper pushing office job, and couldn't become a dr. or lawyer even if he wanted it bc he's so far behind what is considered good in the normal world.

Sorry I -- and I suspect OP -- want more for our kids. I want drs., lawyers, or bankers with a few ivy degrees. And I'm Asian so it's perfectly acceptable to let these expectations be known in our homes and our kids do work up to those expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hilarious how sanctimonious phonies populate this forum — e.g. every teen is a good human being! Meanwhile the school and real estate forums are all about obsessively studying free lunch, rental and test rates to avoid lower class schools and neighborhoods and maximizing your real estate investment. Too funny.

Seriously. Love how the DCUM -- we are barely scraping by as lower middle class at 300k crowd is suddenly jumping all over OP because she wants her kids to go to college, have a $$$ profession etc. You know all of you are doing what you can to live in the "right' districts -- i.e. white/Asian with a huge % going to college, low teen pregnancy, low school lunch -- and get your kids into the right colleges so they'll launch into ibanking, law, med, tech etc. But how dare OP criticize BIL/SIL for letting their kids hang out with the pregnant losers who'll be working retail jobs!?

OP -- are they small town people? Bc this mentality totally exists in small towns. There are SO many kids dropping out, pregnant at 16, doing drugs, barely making the grades in school to where it's known that their future will consist of retail or factories. So then the regular families who have kids who are B or C students, who go to school, don't make trouble and are just gaming all the time at home -- they AND THE KIDS start to think -- OMG we really have our lives together, such great kids, they'll do great in life. Reality is that was considered fine in 1970, but it certainly isn't competitive in 2019. Often the parents realize it when the kid goes to the middling local u and then it becomes abundantly clear as they graduate in 6 yrs hopping from one major to the next that this is a kid destined for a paper pushing office job, and couldn't become a dr. or lawyer even if he wanted it bc he's so far behind what is considered good in the normal world.

Sorry I -- and I suspect OP -- want more for our kids. I want drs., lawyers, or bankers with a few ivy degrees. And I'm Asian so it's perfectly acceptable to let these expectations be known in our homes and our kids do work up to those expectations.

Nailed it. Well put. Perception is a wild thing. You can tell these folks their kids are behind until you're blue in the face and they will not believe you. They'll think you're nuts. They just can't wrap their head around what's out there outside of their own zip code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hilarious how sanctimonious phonies populate this forum — e.g. every teen is a good human being! Meanwhile the school and real estate forums are all about obsessively studying free lunch, rental and test rates to avoid lower class schools and neighborhoods and maximizing your real estate investment. Too funny.

Seriously. Love how the DCUM -- we are barely scraping by as lower middle class at 300k crowd is suddenly jumping all over OP because she wants her kids to go to college, have a $$$ profession etc. You know all of you are doing what you can to live in the "right' districts -- i.e. white/Asian with a huge % going to college, low teen pregnancy, low school lunch -- and get your kids into the right colleges so they'll launch into ibanking, law, med, tech etc. But how dare OP criticize BIL/SIL for letting their kids hang out with the pregnant losers who'll be working retail jobs!?

OP -- are they small town people? Bc this mentality totally exists in small towns. There are SO many kids dropping out, pregnant at 16, doing drugs, barely making the grades in school to where it's known that their future will consist of retail or factories. So then the regular families who have kids who are B or C students, who go to school, don't make trouble and are just gaming all the time at home -- they AND THE KIDS start to think -- OMG we really have our lives together, such great kids, they'll do great in life. Reality is that was considered fine in 1970, but it certainly isn't competitive in 2019. Often the parents realize it when the kid goes to the middling local u and then it becomes abundantly clear as they graduate in 6 yrs hopping from one major to the next that this is a kid destined for a paper pushing office job, and couldn't become a dr. or lawyer even if he wanted it bc he's so far behind what is considered good in the normal world.

Sorry I -- and I suspect OP -- want more for our kids. I want drs., lawyers, or bankers with a few ivy degrees. And I'm Asian so it's perfectly acceptable to let these expectations be known in our homes and our kids do work up to those expectations.

Nailed it. Well put. Perception is a wild thing. You can tell these folks their kids are behind until you're blue in the face and they will not believe you. They'll think you're nuts. They just can't wrap their head around what's out there outside of their own zip code.

I also think there's an aspect of not wanting your kids to do more than you did because that somehow says your life was less. I see this in my best friend's in-laws, who discouraged their daughter from going to a four-year college with a great education program (she wanted to be a teacher) and to which she not only got in but got significant financial aid. They said there was no reason for her to do anything other than a community college because that's what they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to back off. It might be different than what you’re talking about, but honestly I’m happy my son will graduate. I’m happy he’s going to be alive to graduate. I’ll be ecstatic if his gpa is 3.3 and he makes it into a state school. I’ll tell him how proud I am of him if it’s 2.8 and he goes to community college. I’m cool with him taking a year or two off to work and save for college while he learns what the real world is like.

He has severe anxiety and depression and was suicidal for a while. He overcame those hurdles and is trying to get back on track, but he did poorly in some classes his freshman and sophomore years. All he can do now is try to repair the damage and learn from his mistakes, while trying to stay healthy. I’d rather have a healthy, reasonably happy, low performing child than heap on the pressure to the point where I have no son.

IRL, when someone asks why DS isn’t taking all the AP classes possible or passes judgment on his college prospects, I’m not going to air all his dirty laundry. I just play it off like it’s no big deal. It isn’t. His health is our big deal.

So yeah. You can take your judgment and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Good point!

I remember how smug I was about my DS when I overheard him counting measuring cups (nested plastic ones he was playing with on the kitchen floor)--counted to 6, at 15 months. Testing 3 years ahead of grade level in 2nd grade. But that same 2nd grade year he spent in partial hospitalization for a month, doing the 5th grade assignments because the hospital teacher took a shine to him. That was hardly the last time he was hospitalized, partial AND inpatient.

He has a GED. His late teen and early adult years were terrifying. He's 29 now, has had his own business for 7 years. He did some dual credit classes while he was still in high school (tech stuff) and I managed to persuade him to take a single night college course, but his view was that his school experiences had left him not equipped for college and if he needs to learn stuff he'll look it up online (he's very knowledgeable in general, current events/politics and technology in particular). You bet sometimes my heart breaks over the no college but I did not get to control certain things that happened to him.

IDK, maybe OP would have considered him trash of some sort, what with the GED.