Can anyone help me understand family with really low expectations for their kids?

[Anonymous]

I'm not a tiger mom trying to groom my kids for Princeton but we try to keep expectations relatively high. BIL and SIL were over all of yesterday and hearing them talk about their three kids, it sounds like as long as theirs aren't found doing drugs or 16 & pregnant, they think they've done a great job parenting. No expectations about service or academics or the future in general. Free range and no expectations. On social media and at holiday gatherings they seem like a normal middle class family. I still can't believe how they were talking and the outlook they were disclosing.

[Anonymous]

Are you instilling other values? Academics isn’t everything. If you told me they aren’t into ambition and cut throat workplace but want to be good people, is it really that bad? Or you would prefer a Ivy League grad with low ethics that values ambition over everything?

[Anonymous]

The thing is that your ILs’ expectations were normal middle class ones in the 1970s, even early ‘80s. I suspect that in a few places in the US, they are still all most lower MC parents expect. They might hope for more, but they don’t really have the means to make it happen.

I don’t think it’s particularly harmful and certainly less damaging than half the stuff I see posted here by super ambitious parents.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

When you realize just how much can go wrong, their goals sound fine. I have a friend who says “alive at 25” is his goal.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

[Anonymous]

What exactly is the problem? Are their kids using drugs, pregnant and/or getting someone else pregnant?

[Anonymous]

If a child grows into an adult who is happy, self sufficient and has someone to love then that is success in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

I took it to mean they look at the absolute worst screw ups in town and basically tell themselves as long as their kids aren't that bad, they did a swell job. The bar and expectations are basically nonexistent and they seemed convinced they were doing a pretty darn good job. They were talking like small-minded trashy people but you look at them and see two normal healthy middle class parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the problem? Are their kids using drugs, pregnant and/or getting someone else pregnant?

Is that how you raise your children? Just stay off the heroin and don't get pregnant at 16, all else is kosher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

I took it to mean they look at the absolute worst screw ups in town and basically tell themselves as long as their kids aren't that bad, they did a swell job. The bar and expectations are basically nonexistent and they seemed convinced they were doing a pretty darn good job. They were talking like small-minded trashy people but you look at them and see two normal healthy middle class parents.

What is small-minded and trashy about giving your kids room to figure out who they are and what motivates them rather than pushing them through a forced grind that burns them out and leaves them focused more on what you want for them than what they want for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly is the problem? Are their kids using drugs, pregnant and/or getting someone else pregnant?

Is that how you raise your children? Just stay off the heroin and don't get pregnant at 16, all else is kosher.

No, but if my kid decides he'd rather move to Colorado and become a ski instructor than go to law school, I'm not going to fight that battle. If he's going to do nothing but bum around out there and never build anything for his future, then he probably was going to do that whether I pushed him through college and beyond or not. But if he needs a little time to find his passion and then will be motivated to pursue higher education (if necessary) or other avenues to reach his goals, then I'm glad I didn't steer him away from a life that would make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

Expectations and planning for the future seems nonexistent. School isn't valued. If they were disclosing the things they were saying on the phone my jaw would have been on the floor because it sounded so backwards and ignorant. But again, this is a seemingly normal middle class couple if you look at them.

[Anonymous]

You sound really threatened by their parenting choices. Why is that? Why does it make you insecure that they're not doing the same thing you are?

[Anonymous]

When they talked about the kids' friends, there was failing school, drugs, tattoos, teen pregnancy. So these issues are present in their kids' social circles but as long as their kids steer clear, it's fine? I can't fathom letting my kids be within 20 miles of that sort of culture. I would literally sell our house tomorrow if my kids were hanging out with low people like that. It wasn't really THAT big of a deal to them.

Grades weren't you better get A's... it was as long as they're passing we don't really pay attention to it. They had no idea what sort of classes they were taking (AP, honors, normal track).