Can anyone help me understand family with really low expectations for their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very judge mental SIL who always talks about all the wonderful things her kids do. And a judgemental BIL (not related!). who was shocked I sent my kids to public school. When I talk to them, I do find myself under-playing my own efforts for my kids. It’s the easiest way not to get caught in their rat race.

This sounds exactly like the situation I’m in with my in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very careful being judgmental OP. You have no idea how that is all going to work out until all your kids are grown. Seriously, we all know families who were judgmental and ended up with kids who crashed and burned. Not saying that will happen, but kids can be unpredictable and so can life. Slow your roll. Trust me.

This is so true.

My parents expected we would go to college. I was the valedictorian, went to an Ivy League school and grad school, never touched a drug or had sex in high school type. So worked out for me.

My middle brother had some mental health issues and a rebellious streak. There were drugs. There were not straight As. And it turns out when your kid is 15 years old, you can refuse to drive them places, but you sure can't control their social circle at school. The scariest part for me was that one or two if his friends killed themselves in high school, so I just wanted him to get through alive. It took him until his mid-20s to graduate from his third college after bouncing back home a few times and working fast food, but he has a career he truly loves where his rebellious steak is a strength now.

Youngest brother is autistic. Will probably never be self supporting, didn't go to college, lives at home, a big issue for my parents is planning for after they're gone.

My point is that "high expectations" really only works on the kids who are already prone to doing what you want. There are a lot of issues where they will not help your kid make it ok to adulthood, and sometimes academic achievement isn't even the biggest thing you need to focus on.

OP. I hope you’re reading this post. Wisdom.

[Anonymous]

I’d guess they just don’t want to talk to you about it.

“As long as the kids don’t end up a serial killer! Ha ha!”

Just trying to move the conversation on to something else...

[Anonymous]

How close are you? Perhaps they just don't want to discuss that stuff with you. I don't like to discuss it with other people either. The truth is that teens are people in their own right, almost adults, and they'll do what they want to do regardless of what you hope for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be very careful being judgmental OP. You have no idea how that is all going to work out until all your kids are grown. Seriously, we all know families who were judgmental and ended up with kids who crashed and burned. Not saying that will happen, but kids can be unpredictable and so can life. Slow your roll. Trust me.

This is so true.

My parents expected we would go to college. I was the valedictorian, went to an Ivy League school and grad school, never touched a drug or had sex in high school type. So worked out for me.

My middle brother had some mental health issues and a rebellious streak. There were drugs. There were not straight As. And it turns out when your kid is 15 years old, you can refuse to drive them places, but you sure can't control their social circle at school. The scariest part for me was that one or two if his friends killed themselves in high school, so I just wanted him to get through alive. It took him until his mid-20s to graduate from his third college after bouncing back home a few times and working fast food, but he has a career he truly loves where his rebellious steak is a strength now.

Youngest brother is autistic. Will probably never be self supporting, didn't go to college, lives at home, a big issue for my parents is planning for after they're gone.

My point is that "high expectations" really only works on the kids who are already prone to doing what you want. There are a lot of issues where they will not help your kid make it ok to adulthood, and sometimes academic achievement isn't even the biggest thing you need to focus on.

OP. I hope you’re reading this post. Wisdom.

x10000

[Anonymous]

My 16 yo and I had a routine visit last week with an eminent psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety medications. We've been seeing her for about 8 years now and found her through our education advocate. DS has above average intelligence (has been evaluated regularly over the years beginning at age 5) yet he is an underachiever in those classes he has no interest in (like science/math). If he decides to go to college, he'll have to go live at home the first 2 years because I have no doubt that, unmanaged, he won't do what he's supposed to do and it will be a colossal waste. I am also not going to be doing his applications for him.

Know what this well respected psychiatrist told me? Our goal is to get DS through high school without depression and without a substance issue. She said everything else can be managed later. She's right. I want him alive and in good health and if he decides to support himself by being a plumber, I'll take it and be proud of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo and I had a routine visit last week with an eminent psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety medications. We've been seeing her for about 8 years now and found her through our education advocate. DS has above average intelligence (has been evaluated regularly over the years beginning at age 5) yet he is an underachiever in those classes he has no interest in (like science/math). If he decides to go to college, he'll have to go live at home the first 2 years because I have no doubt that, unmanaged, he won't do what he's supposed to do and it will be a colossal waste. I am also not going to be doing his applications for him.

Know what this well respected psychiatrist told me? Our goal is to get DS through high school without depression and without a substance issue. She said everything else can be managed later. She's right. I want him alive and in good health and if he decides to support himself by being a plumber, I'll take it and be proud of him.

Plumbers make a lot of money!
—recenter customer

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both had graduate degrees (MBA's) and successful careers but we never "set expectations" for our children. Instead, we tried to model the kind of behavior that set a good example such as marriage and family being our #1 priority, to succeed you need to work hard, saving money is a good thing, drugs and excessive alcohol are bad, and being a good person has many benefits. It wasn't always a smooth path but all of them have done very well and are now successful young adults with their own families. You can't demand that your children accomplish something but you can set a good example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo and I had a routine visit last week with an eminent psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety medications. We've been seeing her for about 8 years now and found her through our education advocate. DS has above average intelligence (has been evaluated regularly over the years beginning at age 5) yet he is an underachiever in those classes he has no interest in (like science/math). If he decides to go to college, he'll have to go live at home the first 2 years because I have no doubt that, unmanaged, he won't do what he's supposed to do and it will be a colossal waste. I am also not going to be doing his applications for him.

Know what this well respected psychiatrist told me? Our goal is to get DS through high school without depression and without a substance issue. She said everything else can be managed later. She's right. I want him alive and in good health and if he decides to support himself by being a plumber, I'll take it and be proud of him.

This warms my heart. I’m so happy that your son has a wise parent and doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When they talked about the kids' friends, there was failing school, drugs, tattoos, teen pregnancy. So these issues are present in their kids' social circles but as long as their kids steer clear, it's fine? I can't fathom letting my kids be within 20 miles of that sort of culture. I would literally sell our house tomorrow if my kids were hanging out with low people like that. It wasn't really THAT big of a deal to them.

Grades weren't you better get A's... it was as long as they're passing we don't really pay attention to it. They had no idea what sort of classes they were taking (AP, honors, normal track).

You can’t change their parenting, or peers, or school. But maybe you could invite the cousins over to hang out with your kids? Or offer to take all the kids on a fun, educational adventure (zoo trip, a play, concert, etc.)? As a kid, I always appreciated time with my aunts/uncles/friend’s families where I got to do/see things that were different from my own experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo and I had a routine visit last week with an eminent psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety medications. We've been seeing her for about 8 years now and found her through our education advocate. DS has above average intelligence (has been evaluated regularly over the years beginning at age 5) yet he is an underachiever in those classes he has no interest in (like science/math). If he decides to go to college, he'll have to go live at home the first 2 years because I have no doubt that, unmanaged, he won't do what he's supposed to do and it will be a colossal waste. I am also not going to be doing his applications for him.

Know what this well respected psychiatrist told me? Our goal is to get DS through high school without depression and without a substance issue. She said everything else can be managed later. She's right. I want him alive and in good health and if he decides to support himself by being a plumber, I'll take it and be proud of him.

Plumbers make a lot of money!
—recenter customer

Yes. My sons are still young, but I'd rather they got a trade than went to university although it will be up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op sounds just like my in laws. Some people are tiger parents. Some people are not. How is this hard to understand?

It's not hard. OP just wanted to shit on them and have a bunch of internet strangers tell her she is right. It's certainly not hard to "understand" that some people are exposed to different worlds/lives/values etc in this life.

[Anonymous]

Love all the sanctimonious phonies defending and glamorizing trashy parents raising trashy unmotivated losers. Or have all kinds of hypotheticals that everyone in the family is suffering health and mental issues so don’t judge. Yeah, or they’re just trash.

[Anonymous]

Kids are generally doomed if both trashy parents + trashy schools. If you only have one or the other, the kid has a chance to escape surroundings and become a somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo and I had a routine visit last week with an eminent psychiatrist who prescribes his ADHD and anxiety medications. We've been seeing her for about 8 years now and found her through our education advocate. DS has above average intelligence (has been evaluated regularly over the years beginning at age 5) yet he is an underachiever in those classes he has no interest in (like science/math). If he decides to go to college, he'll have to go live at home the first 2 years because I have no doubt that, unmanaged, he won't do what he's supposed to do and it will be a colossal waste. I am also not going to be doing his applications for him.

Know what this well respected psychiatrist told me? Our goal is to get DS through high school without depression and without a substance issue. She said everything else can be managed later. She's right. I want him alive and in good health and if he decides to support himself by being a plumber, I'll take it and be proud of him.

This warms my heart. I’m so happy that your son has a wise parent and doctor.

Agreed.