Can anyone help me understand family with really low expectations for their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really threatened by their parenting choices. Why is that? Why does it make you insecure that they're not doing the same thing you are?

My nieces and nephew are doomed, it appears. That's the realization I came to. And it caught me really off guard.

They are not doomed, what a ridiculous thing to say. How old are these kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When they talked about the kids' friends, there was failing school, drugs, tattoos, teen pregnancy. So these issues are present in their kids' social circles but as long as their kids steer clear, it's fine? I can't fathom letting my kids be within 20 miles of that sort of culture. I would literally sell our house tomorrow if my kids were hanging out with low people like that. It wasn't really THAT big of a deal to them.

Grades weren't you better get A's... it was as long as they're passing we don't really pay attention to it. They had no idea what sort of classes they were taking (AP, honors, normal track).

You are delusional if you think your kids' circle is free of drugs, tattoos, and the possibility of teen pregnancy.

I can assure you on good authority there aren't kids failing out of school, getting kicked out of their house, getting arrested, getting tattoos, in my kids' social circles. They're letting their kids mix with trash and didn't seem all that concerned about it; actually in denial about it, that their kids are different and a little better than the peers in their social circles.

You lost me at calling fellow humans "trash."

If you caught your daughter with some unmotivated druggy with tattoos who was just kicked out of high school, I suspect trash would be the most gentle epithet you use, you sanctimonious phony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really threatened by their parenting choices. Why is that? Why does it make you insecure that they're not doing the same thing you are?

My nieces and nephew are doomed, it appears. That's the realization I came to. And it caught me really off guard.

They are not doomed, what a ridiculous thing to say. How old are these kids?

Teens. They hate school, bad grades, video games all day, lots of bad influences in their social circles, passive parents with nearly non existent expectations. Outlook doesn't look promising. This was all so shocking to hear.

[Anonymous]

My aunt and uncle were like that. They are both pretty hippie and live in a community where more adults have non-traditional jobs. Their kids went to Waldorf schools all the way through high school. There was no money saved for college or any expectation that college was required for a successful life.

One went to V Tech for engineering and has a good job. The other is married to a successful construction contractor and volunteers at her daughter’s school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

I took it to mean they look at the absolute worst screw ups in town and basically tell themselves as long as their kids aren't that bad, they did a swell job. The bar and expectations are basically nonexistent and they seemed convinced they were doing a pretty darn good job. They were talking like small-minded trashy people but you look at them and see two normal healthy middle class parents.

What is small-minded and trashy about giving your kids room to figure out who they are and what motivates them rather than pushing them through a forced grind that burns them out and leaves them focused more on what you want for them than what they want for themselves.

+1. Love this.

[Anonymous]

I have low expectations. My kids don't need extra push or my expectations. Right now I expect them to go to school, pass their classes and enjoy childhood. Everything they need to know I can teach them in couple of months if suddenly they fall short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you have to back off. It might be different than what you’re talking about, but honestly I’m happy my son will graduate. I’m happy he’s going to be alive to graduate. I’ll be ecstatic if his gpa is 3.3 and he makes it into a state school. I’ll tell him how proud I am of him if it’s 2.8 and he goes to community college. I’m cool with him taking a year or two off to work and save for college while he learns what the real world is like.

He has severe anxiety and depression and was suicidal for a while. He overcame those hurdles and is trying to get back on track, but he did poorly in some classes his freshman and sophomore years. All he can do now is try to repair the damage and learn from his mistakes, while trying to stay healthy. I’d rather have a healthy, reasonably happy, low performing child than heap on the pressure to the point where I have no son.

IRL, when someone asks why DS isn’t taking all the AP classes possible or passes judgment on his college prospects, I’m not going to air all his dirty laundry. I just play it off like it’s no big deal. It isn’t. His health is our big deal.

So yeah. You can take your judgment and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

PP, you’re DS is lucky to have you as his mother!

Thanks We’re lucky to have him. He’s a good kid. He deserves happiness, even if it means I don’t get to brag about my son going to an ivy or becoming a doctor or lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, I can't believe you would call children "trash." I went on play dates to literal trailer parks as a kid...I assume you wouldn't let your kids visit mine in our apartment now. People can be fine people without having a lot of money. Your family are not the ones I'm raising my eyebrows at.

OP didn't bring up money, you went there. Class and values aren't about money.

Yes, very good point. OP may have money, but she has no class and if her posts are any indication, very questionable values.

[Anonymous]

OP, are these in laws from a different culture or nationality than you are from? Are they your husband’s family, or the family of a sibling of yours?

[Anonymous]

I very routinely say to people that my main goals in parenting are to create law-abiding, self-supporting, kind citizens. Period.

I mean it.

I also, of course, hope they discover a passion for something they are good at and can earn a living doing, that they do well enough in school to have options opened to them, that they rich friendships, true love (eventually) and a wonderful, rich, joyous, productive, long life.

My kids are bright and funny and may have incredibly accomplished futures. They might also hit horrific road blocks or experience tragedy. I don't really know.

I do know that I don't need to crow about my child's accomplishments or trot performance markers out for anyone else. Nor do I ever want anyone else who might be in a tougher stage of parenting that I'm lucky enough to be having this year to feel badly as a result of something I proudly trumpet.

Healthy, kind, self-sustainging, stable adults - if I get my kids there that will genuinely be a home run in my book.

[Anonymous]

The OP is clutching her pearls while looking down on those who have different parenting styles. I can’t wait to see what happens to her kids when they make it to their Ivy’s. They’ll have some living to do. Can’t shelter them from the ugly side of life forever.

[Anonymous]

This is actually common parenting. The only help my parents provided was keeping me from hanging out with the Jethros and Bobbie Sues at my low quality rust belt dump of a school. I didn't have a teen pregnancy or inhale meth so I was able to escape to the DC area with a nice career. It's actually quite easy to provide a nice environment for your children without going into extreme tiger mom or neglect.

[Anonymous]

It's entirely possible that the relatives find OP incredibly annoying and were downplaying and deflecting to try to change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a child grows into an adult who is happy, self sufficient and has someone to love then that is success in my book.

I think shooting for happy is a low bar. I think success is being able to see the world through someone else’s eyes and not taking everything personally and always helping those less fortunate and coping with adversity. Happiness is one of the many side effects that make for a full life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that they’re okay if their kids drop out of high school and never get real jobs? Or do you just mean that they’re okay if their kids get a “normal” or even blue collar job instead of being a doctor? Also, what do you mean by “expectations for service”?

I took it to mean they look at the absolute worst screw ups in town and basically tell themselves as long as their kids aren't that bad, they did a swell job. The bar and expectations are basically nonexistent and they seemed convinced they were doing a pretty darn good job. They were talking like small-minded trashy people but you look at them and see two normal healthy middle class parents.

What is small-minded and trashy about giving your kids room to figure out who they are and what motivates them rather than pushing them through a forced grind that burns them out and leaves them focused more on what you want for them than what they want for themselves.

THIS....oh and your kids will hate you for it too. Let them figure out what makes them happy, I see too many parents not letting their kids be kids, make mistakes...that scares me more than what your SIL and BIL are doing.