DH had an affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!

Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.

+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.

Are you flirty/romantic? Do you cuddle, hold hands, give nice cards for occasions, etc.? My DH doesn’t do those things and thinks he can just come upstairs at 10pm and say “you wanna?”

Yes we cuddle. Yes we hold hands. I got up early today and wiped the sleet off her car while she got ready for work.

I am tired of being taken for granted. The current no-sex arrangement is not sustainable. She is 54 now and wants to be done with sex.

It's time for 'the talk'. She has a choice: if she wants the sexual relationship done then either it's divorce time or it's time for DADT. You will respect her and be discreet but you are not ready to be done having sex. Tell her to pick one or reopen for business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry. Try not to do anything right now. Just sit on it and wait for a bit.

+1 Process it. Your mind is in a fog right now to do anything rationally and in your best interest.

I am absolutely paralyzed. I have no idea what would be in my best interest. I feel so sad and pathetic.

All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have.

Thank you. I don’t know what the right questions are at the moment. I have big questions (why?!) and little questions (where are the rest of the condoms from the box?) and questions that make me sad to even think of. Yes, there are financial reasons to stay together—we just bought our dream house and everyone is happy here, I make less money (though have a career)... yes, I love him...yes, I was happy and thought he was too...I keep thinking knowing the details will help me make sense of it, but every little bit is so hurtful and making me crazy. It’s twice as painful to be sad and hurt but also hate the part of myself that is so pathetic to ask these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, so sorry you are going through with this, OP.

He is am ass for doing it and a bigger ass for telling you. It's not going to make you feel better but most accomplished men have done what your DH did at least once in their marriage but they are smart enough not to get caught or to confess. So you get the emotional turmoil of being married to a cheater while your friends whose husband's have done the same or worse get to be married and blissfully unaware.

I hope you are not married.

?? Of course I am married, and have seen upteen married men cheat at some point over a long marriage. It doesn't make it right, it just makes it common. And I agree with an upthread poster that many people will cheer on divorce but wouldn't do it if it were their marriage.

As a counter point, I'm a man who does not know any man who cheated

Pp must be part of some macho big law culture where they think their salaries gone then licence to cheat on their wives

[Anonymous]

Give them

[Anonymous]

That being said, it is hard to be faithful and I have screwed up (not in my marriage though)

Your marriage doesn't have to be over if you don't want it to be

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

I would say this is just to get a new flavor (you said you've been together for a long time). Having said that, this is totally up to you. Whatever you need to do to put this behind you, is the right choice for you. If you can forgive him, do so, if you need to go out and do the same to make you forget, do so. Therapist is always a good choice to talk things through. Whether you decide to stay or leave, make sure it's something you can live with. If you stay, you need to forget and move on and never look back.
Look deep in your heart to decide!
Sending you strength for clear thinking!

[Anonymous]

Negotiate the divorce while he still feels guilty. Don't file. Go to therapy. See if you can heal the marriage. But if not, you'll have a great divorce agreement.

[Anonymous]

Your husband might find this interesting

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry. Try not to do anything right now. Just sit on it and wait for a bit.

+1 Process it. Your mind is in a fog right now to do anything rationally and in your best interest.

I am absolutely paralyzed. I have no idea what would be in my best interest. I feel so sad and pathetic.

All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have.

Thank you. I don’t know what the right questions are at the moment. I have big questions (why?!) and little questions (where are the rest of the condoms from the box?) and questions that make me sad to even think of. Yes, there are financial reasons to stay together—we just bought our dream house and everyone is happy here, I make less money (though have a career)... yes, I love him...yes, I was happy and thought he was too...I keep thinking knowing the details will help me make sense of it, but every little bit is so hurtful and making me crazy. It’s twice as painful to be sad and hurt but also hate the part of myself that is so pathetic to ask these questions.

You’re welcome. There are no wrong questions. You should ask anything you want an answer to, and he should answer them completely and honestly. It may be helpful to write them down first, but I have a feeling once you start asking questions, one will flow into the next. And there may be some things you don’t want an answer to, and that’s ok as well.

I get a picture of what you’re feeling but how is he doing? Does he show remorse? Guilt? Does he want to remain married? Do not accept any form of blame for his actions. Stop him in his tracks if he starts down that road.

[Anonymous]

It's over OP whether you stay or not. You now know what he's really like. From the way he pursued her I believe there were other times. If you get sick or go out of town again, or he has the opportunity he will do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP can beat herself up forever trying to figure out why this happened but the root answer is usually as simple as 1) he has a sex drive 2) he is tempted by other women as are all men (yes all, not most, all) 3) he gave into the temptation.

If this is his one and only mistake, I would argue he is good at monogamy. He clearly wants to stay married as he confessed. Whether he is an otherwise good guy, who knows, I am not married to him.

And if OP had a night with some guy would you say the same?

Yes, samee. If my wife had a one night stand and all else was good in the marriage I would take her back, but would want my own hall pass to be fair. I am realistic about the difficulty of lifetime monogamy

If a spouse cheats on you it's a hall pass for life. They chose that by breaking the trust and vows imo. If kids and finances weren't issues I would divorce. Not a way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?

I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!

Omg so this changes my thinking entirely. He is full of it! He got her number, took her out to dinner? Near your house? No way it’s one time. It’s been going on a while and he got busted divorce.

Yes this was many times. There was a reason he told her, either this woman threatened to tell. Someone he knew spotted them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry. Try not to do anything right now. Just sit on it and wait for a bit.

+1 Process it. Your mind is in a fog right now to do anything rationally and in your best interest.

I am absolutely paralyzed. I have no idea what would be in my best interest. I feel so sad and pathetic.

All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have.

Thank you. I don’t know what the right questions are at the moment. I have big questions (why?!) and little questions (where are the rest of the condoms from the box?) and questions that make me sad to even think of. Yes, there are financial reasons to stay together—we just bought our dream house and everyone is happy here, I make less money (though have a career)... yes, I love him...yes, I was happy and thought he was too...I keep thinking knowing the details will help me make sense of it, but every little bit is so hurtful and making me crazy. It’s twice as painful to be sad and hurt but also hate the part of myself that is so pathetic to ask these questions.

You’re welcome. There are no wrong questions. You should ask anything you want an answer to, and he should answer them completely and honestly. It may be helpful to write them down first, but I have a feeling once you start asking questions, one will flow into the next. And there may be some things you don’t want an answer to, and that’s ok as well.

I get a picture of what you’re feeling but how is he doing? Does he show remorse? Guilt? Does he want to remain married? Do not accept any form of blame for his actions. Stop him in his tracks if he starts down that road.

He’s remorseful and apologetic. He says he made a huge mistake. It’s hard for me to know what is true and what is his reaction to fear about me saying I want to consider a divorce. It’s very confusing. Maybe we could manage being partners in raising our kids without romantic attachment or living together, but he is totally freaked out about that conversation and says he doesn’t want to seperate or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!

Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.

+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.

OK, but getting fat and being sexless in the relationship does NOT justify cheating. It does justify talking about the serious problems in the relationship and asking for an open marriage and negotiating those terms transparently and cinsensually or asking for a divorce.

There is literally NOTHING that juatifies cheating as long as your spouse is sentient enough to negotiate and exercise consent. Those persons married to spuses who are chronically ill to the point of legal nom-competence in decision-making may have different choices.

But, if your spouse and you entered a marriage on the basis of monogamy, and then you violate that agreement by engaging in non-monigamy and secretly manipulating the spouse to think otherwise thru lies and gaslighting, then you are engaging in emotional abuse. And, if you commit infidelity and continue to sleep with your wife as well while under the pretense of minogamy , well, then you are engaging in non-consensual sex by fraud with your wife.