DH had an affair
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Anonymous
Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!! Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness. But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness. |
Anonymous
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Something similar happened to me a year and a half ago. DH was out of town for an extended period for a work project and developed a flirtation with another woman. She texted him one night inviting him over and he immediately went over and slept with her. After finding out, I made him move to an extended stay hotel for a few months and really thought we'd get divorced but... here we are. We've seen a counselor, which has helped a lot. DH was extremely remorseful (he would randomly call me crying saying how awful he was and how I deserved better). It even got to a point where I was worried about him because he was so depressed about the situation. Yes, I realize the irony, he cheats, and I'm concerned about him.
I wouldn't say I've completely forgiven him nor would I say I completely trust him. I made him give up drinking because he was drinking a lot at that point of his life. I don't know if he would have engaged in a friendship/flirtation had he not been out with a group drinking a lot every night or if he would have gone over there had he been sober. Perhaps, but the drinking didn't help his judgement. I don't know if I'll ever respect him the same way I once did either. But, ultimately, is it really worth breaking up our family, putting our kids through a divorce, throwing out our almost 20 years of shared history, over one stupid decision that occured over one night? I don't think so. It would be different if there was an extended relationship or a pattern of cheating. Your DH is obviously regrets what he did or he wouldn't have told you. If he wanted to continue cheating, he would have kept it a secret. I wouldn't make any decisions just yet. You should see a counselor together and separately and see how you feel in six months. |
Anonymous
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PP, it’s important to keep your head out of the sand. Your marriage is forever changed - you say you’ll not completely trust him again nor do you completely forgive him. Isn’t that a weird way of living?! I know - I live the same.
Remorseful or not - it is never the same as before. Not everyone can move on, but I understand staying for the kids/financial reasons. |
Anonymous
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Kick him out of the house, give yourself time to think, do couples counseling. Don't believe anything he says right now.
It's possible to rebuild but you have to figure out if that's the right thing to do. |
Anonymous
+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled. |
Anonymous
Are you flirty/romantic? Do you cuddle, hold hands, give nice cards for occasions, etc.? My DH doesn’t do those things and thinks he can just come upstairs at 10pm and say “you wanna?” |
Anonymous
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Oh, I'm so sorry. Your marriage is likely over. You will probably never trust him again. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with your DH. This wasn't a mistake. He planned this over the course of many days, concocted numerous lies to decieve you. He had many many opportunities to change his mind but he chose not to.
He probably exposed you to STDs. Get tested ASAP. This is NOT about you, but is about him. I'm so sorry. The severity of what you are feeling is real.. It's like PTSD. I promise you it gets better, but we are talking about years, not weeks. |
Anonymous
| So sorry op, this totally depends on you. Can you easily forgive and forget? Unfortunately I could never trust my dh again and tried for 6 months but ultimately it was over. |
Anonymous
| I think you can overcome this with counseling. People make mistakes and do stupid, selfish things. |
Anonymous
I think men who think this way do so to excuse their own behavior. It makes it "normal" so they don't feel as guilty or think it's *that* bad. Not quality men. |
Anonymous
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So assuming that this was truly a one night stand, I don't think this is a marriage-ender. The fact that DH confessed shows that he wants to be honest, is committed to OP, and feels guilty. That's good (albeit more painful in the short-term for OP.) If DH can use this as an opportunity to become scathingly honest about himself and OP can do the same about their marriage, then they can move on to a new phase.
At the same time, I agree with others who are suspicious about whether this was truly a one-time thing. |
Anonymous
All natural feelings, you are going through trauma. Even wanting to make him hurt like you are now. If I were you, I’d ask questions until my gut was satisfied. Even if that meant asking the same ones in a different way or over and over. Dig deeper to get to the bottom of it. A counselor can help but their office my not be the right environment for the ugly conversations you and your husband may have. |
Anonymous
| Yes. The healing must include counseling so you can build trust over time. Good strength. |
Anonymous
Yes we cuddle. Yes we hold hands. I got up early today and wiped the sleet off her car while she got ready for work. I am tired of being taken for granted. The current no-sex arrangement is not sustainable. She is 54 now and wants to be done with sex. |
Anonymous
| What you do depends on whether you really loved him to the core before it happened. Were you deeply in love and couldn't wait to be together with him and did he know it? If so then he's really a jerk. If not then that's the core issue and the story is complex, involves you and will be very sad to unravel. |