Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

It’s from both. And yes, it is awkward. She’s just so delighted that “they” get them these things.

Someone else mentioned that it could be that she knows we can take care of ourselves, and we can and do.

And no, I can not have this conversation with my mom without it blowing up into a big thing. And it does suck.

ugggh so obnoxious. you're supposed to play the game and praise her for being so generous and wonderful, right? did she ever try to convince you to call him "dad"?

[Anonymous]

As much as some on DCUM want to push the narrative that we are all one big happy blended family the truth is that family members do distinguish between bio/step/half/adopted children and one category can be favored over another by parents, grandparents, siblings and other familiy members well into adulthood.

As for this story:

- Your mom knows full well that her step children aka her husband's bio kids/grandkids are getting million dollar gifts and you aka her bio children are getting the dollar store stuff.

- Your stepfather knows this as well.

-Your mom is not oblivious or dumb to the $$ disparities. She doesn't want to mess up her meal ticket in your step father.

-She is including you in the $$ present picking as her way to ease her guilt from the disparities and excuse herself from any fault in the matter and has convinced herself that you are fine with it because you go along with the present picking and listen to the stories.

[Anonymous]

So they are early 20s and I assume single, while you're early 30s and married?

I don't think the gift difference is that unusual. I'm the oldest child and married, and my parents don't give me anything. My life is established and I don't need the money. My younger siblings are unmarried and make a fraction of what DH and I do, so it's fine with me if my parents want to help them out. Heck, my mom bought my younger brother a house to live in, and I really don't care. I don't need a house or vacations or laptops.

[Anonymous]

Each and every time she asks for gift suggestions for them, respond with "A $75 VISA gift card."

Other than that, it is best to let it go, and be thankful for the gift you are given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens in my family. The annoying thing is how it takes place against a ton of bullsh*t stuff like them saying "we're all one family, isn't it wonderful!!" ... while trying to pretend that we were all treated financially equally. As in, harping on that ONE time they bought me a plane ticket home in college as if that equals anything like they lavish on the younger kids. It's the gaslighting that's annoying.

Happens in my family too, but not step-siblings. They’re my half siblings who I love! They get taken on vacations, nice Xmas gifts, family photos etc. It hurts. But, thankfully, I do love my own life and family, so that helps me feel better. It still hurts, though! Everyone notices too, so it’s kindof embarrassing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As much as some on DCUM want to push the narrative that we are all one big happy blended family the truth is that family members do distinguish between bio/step/half/adopted children and one category can be favored over another by parents, grandparents, siblings and other familiy members well into adulthood.

As for this story:

- Your mom knows full well that her step children aka her husband's bio kids/grandkids are getting million dollar gifts and you aka her bio children are getting the dollar store stuff.

- Your stepfather knows this as well.

-Your mom is not oblivious or dumb to the $$ disparities. She doesn't want to mess up her meal ticket in your step father.

-She is including you in the $$ present picking as her way to ease her guilt from the disparities and excuse herself from any fault in the matter and has convinced herself that you are fine with it because you go along with the present picking and listen to the stories.

I'm the non-bio grandkids PP. Thank you for this. I don't know why DCUM pushes this "everyone is equal" narrative. If it didn't work for Communism, it's not working for individual families. Just because one of our sons was married to a woman who already had 4 kids by three different dads, doesn't make them our grandkids. Yes, we take them out when they visit but they shouldn't expect a single cent from our estate. I don't think why people consider this hurtful but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

*know, not think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

You need to read the thread more closely. OP has stated that it's her stepdad's money but "it wouldn't hurt for him to treat her the same financially". So it's clear that she feels entitled to his money but without good reason. People like the OP are the reason why we withhold gifting our biograndkids just because we also dont want to give anything to the non-bio grandkids. I don't know where this bizarre entitlement comes from but as it exists, as shown by OP.

What is a “non bio grandkid”?

I know! She sounds horrid.

They are grandkids. Period.

Not really.

I know of several people whose children had stepchildren (I suppose these would be non-bio grandkids). The marriages didn't work out and there was a divorce and despite being "stepgrandparents" for twenty years with regular and generous relationships with the kids, the kids still drifted out of their lives. Divorce does funny things. That's just the reality of it.

I know I certainly wouldn't consider step grandkids in the same light as genuine grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

You need to read the thread more closely. OP has stated that it's her stepdad's money but "it wouldn't hurt for him to treat her the same financially". So it's clear that she feels entitled to his money but without good reason. People like the OP are the reason why we withhold gifting our biograndkids just because we also dont want to give anything to the non-bio grandkids. I don't know where this bizarre entitlement comes from but as it exists, as shown by OP.

What is a “non bio grandkid”?

I know! She sounds horrid.

They are grandkids. Period.

Not really.

I know of several people whose children had stepchildren (I suppose these would be non-bio grandkids). The marriages didn't work out and there was a divorce and despite being "stepgrandparents" for twenty years with regular and generous relationships with the kids, the kids still drifted out of their lives. Divorce does funny things. That's just the reality of it.

I know I certainly wouldn't consider step grandkids in the same light as genuine grandkids.

Does that apply to kids who were adopted by your bio kids? I’m just curious. Wondering if the disparity by dh’s Mother is because our kids were adopted or because she’s older than she was with the other grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

You need to read the thread more closely. OP has stated that it's her stepdad's money but "it wouldn't hurt for him to treat her the same financially". So it's clear that she feels entitled to his money but without good reason. People like the OP are the reason why we withhold gifting our biograndkids just because we also dont want to give anything to the non-bio grandkids. I don't know where this bizarre entitlement comes from but as it exists, as shown by OP.

What is a “non bio grandkid”?

I know! She sounds horrid.

They are grandkids. Period.

Not really.

I know of several people whose children had stepchildren (I suppose these would be non-bio grandkids). The marriages didn't work out and there was a divorce and despite being "stepgrandparents" for twenty years with regular and generous relationships with the kids, the kids still drifted out of their lives. Divorce does funny things. That's just the reality of it.

I know I certainly wouldn't consider step grandkids in the same light as genuine grandkids.

Does that apply to kids who were adopted by your bio kids? I’m just curious. Wondering if the disparity by dh’s Mother is because our kids were adopted or because she’s older than she was with the other grandkids.

Blood is thicker than water.

Nonetheless, adoption is different than stepkids. Stepkids or stepgrandkids are just different and not the same as regular ones. The only circumstances I know of where the stepkids/grandkids were as closely embraced as regular kids/grandkids were cases where the parents were both widowed, married each other and the stepsiblings grew up together and the parents remained married for life.

Are you the OP?

If so, I don't think you have any reason or right to expect your stepdad to be as generous to you as he is with his own children. It seems like you didn't grow up with your step siblings, your stepdad wasn't involved in raising you, your mom married him when you were already largely an independent adult. It really is a separate family for most practical purposes. And be honest here, if your stepdad died tomorrow, would you make that much of an effort to keep close ties with your step siblings? Probably not. It's probably best to think of it as aunts/uncles and cousins. Would you expect your aunt/uncle to be as generous to you as they are to their own children? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

This thread is a case study in projection. Just fantastic stuff.

Also, PP with the blanket statements about step-grandkids being different, and blood is thicker than water - I'm sure there are circumstances where this is the case. OP's situation, for example, when her mother remarried when OP was in her 20s, is a perfect example. But asserting that this is a universal truth for all blended families, including those there the kids are young when they are blended, makes you a terrible person. I am sure you don't agree, but that really changes nothing. You're a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each and every time she asks for gift suggestions for them, respond with "A $75 VISA gift card."

Other than that, it is best to let it go, and be thankful for the gift you are given.

+1. And distance yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You're a terrible person.

Whenever someone says this I don't think highly of their argument. You're hardly convincing anyone.

[Anonymous]

When the step-dad married OP’s mom, OP became part of his nuclear family...or should have. One does discriminate between siblings in a nuclear family.

Now the step-dad may not “get” this, but OP’s mom is a jerk for letting this go on.

OP, you are being unfairly treated. My guess is that you don’t care about the gifts so much as the obvious favoritism. You have a legitimate grievance. Since your mom has let this go on so long, I seriously doubt anything will change at this point. But I certainly would sit your mom down and tell her how you have felt all these years. She is not a considerate parent and should be called out for it.

[Anonymous]

Prolonged uneven attention towards siblings (even step) adds up and hurts. My parents favored my sister and her family over mine. When I mentioned it to them, the response was "it evens out over time". But it never did. Even though both are gone now, there is a part that still hurts. On DH's side, his parents were burned out on grandparenting by the time ours came along and his mother was in early Alzheimer's. Luckily for us and my children, my sister and BIL recognized it and have been and are a fabulous Aunt and Uncle to my children.

I would look around and see who is out there that can be that extended relative in situ for your children (are your DH's parents more active grandparents to your children, do you have a close friend who is single and unlikely to have a family). Try to accept your mother for who she is and find other people to fill the void.

(((hugs)))