Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

[Anonymous]

You are your mother’s daughter yet she is treating you as if you matter less. I get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's stepdad can get whatever he wants for his daughters. However her mom is either completely clueless or enjoys rubbing it in if she keeps telling OP about all the minute details of their lavish gifts.

I agree with this. What OP should focus on is not the unfairness because that's not a winning argument, but the hurt feelings that she has. Another PP said it well about gifts being mother's love-language and the less than thoughtful way gifts to OP and her family are handled makes them feel excluded and less than.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's stepdad can get whatever he wants for his daughters. However her mom is either completely clueless or enjoys rubbing it in if she keeps telling OP about all the minute details of their lavish gifts.

I agree with this. What OP should focus on is not the unfairness because that's not a winning argument, but the hurt feelings that she has. Another PP said it well about gifts being mother's love-language and the less than thoughtful way gifts to OP and her family are handled makes them feel excluded and less than.

At least the OP gets something. She is just looking to be offended.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I couldn't give a crap about the stuff I get or don't get. At least for me, if I am going to be treated as second rate, I feel I at least deserve greater honesty about it.

What hurts is that this is being done by someone who looks at gifts as a statement of love... getting less is about meaning less, and that stings.

There's not a thing you can do because your mom has moved on from counting you first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I couldn't give a crap about the stuff I get or don't get. At least for me, if I am going to be treated as second rate, I feel I at least deserve greater honesty about it.

What hurts is that this is being done by someone who looks at gifts as a statement of love... getting less is about meaning less, and that stings.

There's not a thing you can do because your mom has moved on from counting you first.

Exactly! She’s asking OP to help her select MORE thoughtful gifts she can give the others to go with the other presents, and meanwhile, she’s grabbing OP a gift card at the register like an afterthought. She’s clearly not putting the same amount of THOUGHT (not money, do you see?) into what she gets her own daughter. How many people do you think she consulted before selecting a Visa gift card?

It’s not about the monetary value at all. It’s about how little the mom is thinking about what unique gifts would please her own child, but rather, what things to get the others.

Why is this hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally get why this bothers OP. I think it starts to introduce all sorts of hard feelings when family members are treated differently. Both my mom and dad are gone, so my only living parent is my stepmom. She treats all the siblings and grandkids equally in gift giving, as was the case when my dad was alive. Also, we’re not an extravagant gift giving family, which I think also makes a difference. Each of us get about $100 or so in gifts, even when we were in our teens and twenties.

Your situation is different in that she probably had a hand in raising you. In OP's case, this man is just the guy her mom married. No other connection to him and yet she belittles the fact that he spoils his daughters.

Eh, have to disagree. Yes, she helped raise me. But, doesn’t have an especially close relationship with my much older sister and didn’t really have a hand in raising her, but she and her kids are still treated to same. She even helped pay for her son’s college. She did it out of love for my dad and because we’re all family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, blended families suck. This is on your mom.

I would talk to mom before your step sisters marry and have kids.

If you think it stings now, wait until you see that kind of disparity between the grandkids.

+1

My husband has younger half-siblings from both parents' second marriages. As soon as the half-siblings were born, there was a lack of equity, and it's never stopped. My ILs never gave my husband a dime for college. His father and stepmom made him pay rent when he was living with them while attending community college (because he couldn't afford four years at a university and had to attend CC for his GE credits). The step siblings not only had their college educations paid for, they also received money for cars, real estate purchases, vacations, legal fees, a business start-up, and many other gifts. The same inequity transferred to our kids. After the ILs became grandparents, they started paying for tutoring, childcare, wardrobes, extracurriculars, and camps--but only for their other grandkids, not ours.

My husband has a lot of pride and has worked hard to achieve what he has, so he's never discussed it with either set of parents. His relationships with them are friendly, but he keeps a healthy distance, because he doesn't need the constant reminder. Honestly, though, it pisses me off to no end. They're shitty people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Was your mom broke while you were young? Sounds like she's giving them what couldn't give you growing up.

The step siblings are in their 20s! They're not children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Was your mom broke while you were young? Sounds like she's giving them what couldn't give you growing up.

The step siblings are in their 20s! They're not children.

The step siblings were young teenagers when the parents got married and the OP was older. Whether you truly want cars and computers or cash now is between you and your step father's wallet, but if nothing else tell your mom how you feel. Until you get feedback from her and the situation nothing stated here will make much of an impact.

[Anonymous]

He is not your step dad. He is your mother’s husband. He can do whatever he wants with his money. Make arrangements with your mom on an appropriate price range for gifts and be happy for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I couldn't give a crap about the stuff I get or don't get. At least for me, if I am going to be treated as second rate, I feel I at least deserve greater honesty about it.

What hurts is that this is being done by someone who looks at gifts as a statement of love... getting less is about meaning less, and that stings.

There's not a thing you can do because your mom has moved on from counting you first.

Exactly! She’s asking OP to help her select MORE thoughtful gifts she can give the others to go with the other presents, and meanwhile, she’s grabbing OP a gift card at the register like an afterthought. She’s clearly not putting the same amount of THOUGHT (not money, do you see?) into what she gets her own daughter. How many people do you think she consulted before selecting a Visa gift card?

It’s not about the monetary value at all. It’s about how little the mom is thinking about what unique gifts would please her own child, but rather, what things to get the others.

Why is this hard to understand?

Here's a different perspective. OP's mom is the stepmom to those girls. I have a feeling that the girls were raised by their mother and not by the stepdad (in other words OP's mom never really lived with the girls or helped raised them). She may be talking about thoughtful gifts because she's trying to maintain a relationship with stepdaughters she may only see occasionally. There may also be a history of resentment by the girls at their father's second marriage, as is often the case, and OP's mom is trying to overcome that. OP's mom may feel that her relationship with her daughter is close enough that she doesn't need to worry about thoughtful gifts for her. Especially as OP is grown up. And OP's mom probably thinks she's spending her husband's money, not her own money, and it does make a difference.

I'm sure there's more going on here than the OP is telling us, which is usually the case with these threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, OP. I couldn't give a crap about the stuff I get or don't get. At least for me, if I am going to be treated as second rate, I feel I at least deserve greater honesty about it.

What hurts is that this is being done by someone who looks at gifts as a statement of love... getting less is about meaning less, and that stings.

There's not a thing you can do because your mom has moved on from counting you first.

Exactly! She’s asking OP to help her select MORE thoughtful gifts she can give the others to go with the other presents, and meanwhile, she’s grabbing OP a gift card at the register like an afterthought. She’s clearly not putting the same amount of THOUGHT (not money, do you see?) into what she gets her own daughter. How many people do you think she consulted before selecting a Visa gift card?

It’s not about the monetary value at all. It’s about how little the mom is thinking about what unique gifts would please her own child, but rather, what things to get the others.

Why is this hard to understand?

Here's a different perspective. OP's mom is the stepmom to those girls. I have a feeling that the girls were raised by their mother and not by the stepdad (in other words OP's mom never really lived with the girls or helped raised them). She may be talking about thoughtful gifts because she's trying to maintain a relationship with stepdaughters she may only see occasionally. There may also be a history of resentment by the girls at their father's second marriage, as is often the case, and OP's mom is trying to overcome that. OP's mom may feel that her relationship with her daughter is close enough that she doesn't need to worry about thoughtful gifts for her. Especially as OP is grown up. And OP's mom probably thinks she's spending her husband's money, not her own money, and it does make a difference.

I'm sure there's more going on here than the OP is telling us, which is usually the case with these threads.

Another perspective: The stepdad doesn’t care about OP at all, and couldn’t care less about their own relationship. And the mother doesn’t care either. I mean, how could she, when the husband is her meal ticket? The least she could do would be to NOT act like she’s the best stepmom ever in spite of her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Was your mom broke while you were young? Sounds like she's giving them what couldn't give you growing up.

The step siblings are in their 20s! They're not children.

The step siblings were young teenagers when the parents got married and the OP was older. Whether you truly want cars and computers or cash now is between you and your step father's wallet, but if nothing else tell your mom how you feel. Until you get feedback from her and the situation nothing stated here will make much of an impact.

If it's about giving younger family members what you didn't have why doesn't the mom channel some of that energy to OP's children?

There are infinite excuses why these 20 somethings are more worthy of presents but the only constant is that OP comes out on the bottom. That's hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

+1 don’t you have your own father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

+1 don’t you have your own father?

I think she said her father died.