Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

+1 don’t you have your own father?

Her dad is dead and stepfather has been in the picture since she was in college. She is about 8 to 10 years older than the stepsisters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

+1 don’t you have your own father?

Her dad is dead and stepfather has been in the picture since she was in college. She is about 8 to 10 years older than the stepsisters.

Better question, where is her step sister's mother?

[Anonymous]

DH is in a similar boat with his Mom and Stepdad and stepsiblings. Because DH and his sisters were married adults when his mother remarried, their stepfather never really became a father figure to them. They have a fine relationship, but its not that of a parent. His stepsiblings, however, were young preteens, so they gained a step-mother. The relationship with them is really close and so while DH didn't gain a "father figure" or "siblings" his mother gained 3 new children.

This has caused various small issues. The gifting isn't so lavish, but there is a clear discrepancy. Plus the numerous family vacations, birthday parties, special events, etc. Obviously there is a different parent dynamic than what DH had growing up, but it still stings a bit when your mother starts taking her new kids on vacations that she told you as a child were too elaborate, or whatever. Rules changed and things she took a stance on in your experience all of a sudden become ok for the new set of kids. I imagine this is similar if you have a huge gap between biological siblings.

I think the biggest rub for DH and his siblings is family get-togethers. Step-siblings, step-father, and mother are laughing about shared memories, participating in their own family traditions, and DH's mom is cooking all of his step-siblings favorite foods. Meanwhile, DH and his siblings are almost bystanders to this family. All of their traditions, foods, and memories were basically wiped away. Also, the get-togethers have always been with his Mom and Stepfather, because they had to be home near "the girls" who live with their mother. Even now that they are grown, we have to go to them because this precedent has basically been set. They would love to see us, but only if we come to them.

Ultimately, this is on DH's mother. She made this choice to essentially embrace her new role and, not really ignore her children, but rely on the fact that they were adults and didn't "need" her the way the young stepkids did. But what was reasonable when they were 11,12, 13, etc, has ultimately led to a completely different family dynamic now that they are also adults. And his mom has basically never acknowledged this or tried to counteract it in any way. In many ways, she is a better mother to those step kids than she was her own, and its hard for DH to observe that.

I get it OP. It stings. Its not just the gifts.. but they are certainly salt on the wound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is in a similar boat with his Mom and Stepdad and stepsiblings. Because DH and his sisters were married adults when his mother remarried, their stepfather never really became a father figure to them. They have a fine relationship, but its not that of a parent. His stepsiblings, however, were young preteens, so they gained a step-mother. The relationship with them is really close and so while DH didn't gain a "father figure" or "siblings" his mother gained 3 new children.

This has caused various small issues. The gifting isn't so lavish, but there is a clear discrepancy. Plus the numerous family vacations, birthday parties, special events, etc. Obviously there is a different parent dynamic than what DH had growing up, but it still stings a bit when your mother starts taking her new kids on vacations that she told you as a child were too elaborate, or whatever. Rules changed and things she took a stance on in your experience all of a sudden become ok for the new set of kids. I imagine this is similar if you have a huge gap between biological siblings.

I think the biggest rub for DH and his siblings is family get-togethers. Step-siblings, step-father, and mother are laughing about shared memories, participating in their own family traditions, and DH's mom is cooking all of his step-siblings favorite foods. Meanwhile, DH and his siblings are almost bystanders to this family. All of their traditions, foods, and memories were basically wiped away. Also, the get-togethers have always been with his Mom and Stepfather, because they had to be home near "the girls" who live with their mother. Even now that they are grown, we have to go to them because this precedent has basically been set. They would love to see us, but only if we come to them.

Ultimately, this is on DH's mother. She made this choice to essentially embrace her new role and, not really ignore her children, but rely on the fact that they were adults and didn't "need" her the way the young stepkids did. But what was reasonable when they were 11,12, 13, etc, has ultimately led to a completely different family dynamic now that they are also adults. And his mom has basically never acknowledged this or tried to counteract it in any way. In many ways, she is a better mother to those step kids than she was her own, and its hard for DH to observe that.

I get it OP. It stings. Its not just the gifts.. but they are certainly salt on the wound.

9 times out of 10, it's the new husband funding the wife's lifestyle so it is pretty clear why your DH isn't included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is in a similar boat with his Mom and Stepdad and stepsiblings. Because DH and his sisters were married adults when his mother remarried, their stepfather never really became a father figure to them. They have a fine relationship, but its not that of a parent. His stepsiblings, however, were young preteens, so they gained a step-mother. The relationship with them is really close and so while DH didn't gain a "father figure" or "siblings" his mother gained 3 new children.

This has caused various small issues. The gifting isn't so lavish, but there is a clear discrepancy. Plus the numerous family vacations, birthday parties, special events, etc. Obviously there is a different parent dynamic than what DH had growing up, but it still stings a bit when your mother starts taking her new kids on vacations that she told you as a child were too elaborate, or whatever. Rules changed and things she took a stance on in your experience all of a sudden become ok for the new set of kids. I imagine this is similar if you have a huge gap between biological siblings.

I think the biggest rub for DH and his siblings is family get-togethers. Step-siblings, step-father, and mother are laughing about shared memories, participating in their own family traditions, and DH's mom is cooking all of his step-siblings favorite foods. Meanwhile, DH and his siblings are almost bystanders to this family. All of their traditions, foods, and memories were basically wiped away. Also, the get-togethers have always been with his Mom and Stepfather, because they had to be home near "the girls" who live with their mother. Even now that they are grown, we have to go to them because this precedent has basically been set. They would love to see us, but only if we come to them.

Ultimately, this is on DH's mother. She made this choice to essentially embrace her new role and, not really ignore her children, but rely on the fact that they were adults and didn't "need" her the way the young stepkids did. But what was reasonable when they were 11,12, 13, etc, has ultimately led to a completely different family dynamic now that they are also adults. And his mom has basically never acknowledged this or tried to counteract it in any way. In many ways, she is a better mother to those step kids than she was her own, and its hard for DH to observe that.

I get it OP. It stings. Its not just the gifts.. but they are certainly salt on the wound.

I think this is a pretty common scenario with a second batch of kids, whether it be step-siblings, or half-siblings, or just much younger kids. The parents are usually wealthier and have more time and experience, so they probably are "better" parents. They have the time and money to travel and do fun things, so they take the younger kids along. This can be a bummer to the older kids who are in the middle of building their own careers and don't have time to take two weeks off to go to Europe, even if the parents wanted to include them. I think even when people try to make everything "equal," it's just hard.

[Anonymous]

^^ the above PP. I agree, and that is why it is what it is. The OP needs to get her values reexamined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

+1 don’t you have your own father?

Her dad is dead and stepfather has been in the picture since she was in college. She is about 8 to 10 years older than the stepsisters.

Better question, where is her step sister's mother?

Somewhere.
But op complains about the stepfathers gifts. Op is delusional if she thinks stepdad should finance an adult who has never lived with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

When people get married there is no “his” and “hers”.

What the hell? My mom married a wealthy man. His kids have a lot. I've never once expected anything. I'm also a grown up and make my own money. I'm also much more successful that all 3 of his grown kids. They all have much more education and at better schools but due to an indulgent dad are unable to become financially successful in their own. I'm so glad I was never raised in that kid of "privilege ". Also I know for a fact all his money goes to my mom so they better hope she dies first, which is unlikely since she is 10yrs younger. The gravy train will run out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's stepdad can get whatever he wants for his daughters. However her mom is either completely clueless or enjoys rubbing it in if she keeps telling OP about all the minute details of their lavish gifts.

+1

And OP NEEDS to ask her mom cleanly and simply not to discuss these topics with her. She can phrase it however she wants (whatever reflects her true feelings - such as possibly being reminded that she lost her own father and feels like an outsider when her mom rubs these things in her face). But the conversation must happen, even if it causes some short term discomfort. Just don't make it about receiving presents or money, OP, and instead make it about your mom having some freaking manners and shutting her pie hole. But don't say it like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

When people get married there is no “his” and “hers”.

What the hell? My mom married a wealthy man. His kids have a lot. I've never once expected anything. I'm also a grown up and make my own money. I'm also much more successful that all 3 of his grown kids. They all have much more education and at better schools but due to an indulgent dad are unable to become financially successful in their own. I'm so glad I was never raised in that kid of "privilege ". Also I know for a fact all his money goes to my mom so they better hope she dies first, which is unlikely since she is 10yrs younger. The gravy train will run out.

lol, you don't sound jealous or bitter at all!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

When people get married there is no “his” and “hers”.

What the hell? My mom married a wealthy man. His kids have a lot. I've never once expected anything. I'm also a grown up and make my own money. I'm also much more successful that all 3 of his grown kids. They all have much more education and at better schools but due to an indulgent dad are unable to become financially successful in their own. I'm so glad I was never raised in that kid of "privilege ". Also I know for a fact all his money goes to my mom so they better hope she dies first, which is unlikely since she is 10yrs younger. The gravy train will run out.

lol, you don't sound jealous or bitter at all!!

His money, his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

When people get married there is no “his” and “hers”.

What the hell? My mom married a wealthy man. His kids have a lot. I've never once expected anything. I'm also a grown up and make my own money. I'm also much more successful that all 3 of his grown kids. They all have much more education and at better schools but due to an indulgent dad are unable to become financially successful in their own. I'm so glad I was never raised in that kid of "privilege ". Also I know for a fact all his money goes to my mom so they better hope she dies first, which is unlikely since she is 10yrs younger. The gravy train will run out.

It's probably being put in a trust with his kids as remaindermen. He could have a corporate trustee in charge of distrubutions to your mom. I wouldnt count on your mom just getting free reign over the money.

[Anonymous]

You are established on your own and never lived in the home with this man as a father figure. His girls are still starting out. In my family, older adults dont even exchange gifts. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

When people get married there is no “his” and “hers”.

What the hell? My mom married a wealthy man. His kids have a lot. I've never once expected anything. I'm also a grown up and make my own money. I'm also much more successful that all 3 of his grown kids. They all have much more education and at better schools but due to an indulgent dad are unable to become financially successful in their own. I'm so glad I was never raised in that kid of "privilege ". Also I know for a fact all his money goes to my mom so they better hope she dies first, which is unlikely since she is 10yrs younger. The gravy train will run out.

It's probably being put in a trust with his kids as remaindermen. He could have a corporate trustee in charge of distrubutions to your mom. I wouldnt count on your mom just getting free reign over the money.

+1 you are seriously naive if you think this guy is going to hand everything to your mom without consequence to his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are established on your own and never lived in the home with this man as a father figure. His girls are still starting out. In my family, older adults dont even exchange gifts. Grow up.

+1 This. Op is delusional.