Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me

[Anonymous]

PP again. And my DH is in sales and I wouldn't blink an eye if his female reports, clients, or bosses gave him liquor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here - personally, given that she's new, a bottle of scotch as a gift b/c he had a "hard week/day" is flat out weird. In all my years in the workplace, I've never seen that. Either she is totally new out of school and is genuinely trying to make your DH feel better (which is still weird but whatever) or she has ulterior motives (hint, they are not good for OP). I can't imagine another scenario.

regardless, I find it really weird that OP reached out to her in the first place.

Poster who thinks it is military.

Husband should have said "Thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I can't accept this gift."

Especially if he is a higher rank.

PP here - no, I'm not military. Have been working in private industry in the DC area for 15 years.

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I'm a woman and had a 25 year old male on my team who gave me booze for Christmas. Thought nothing of it.

I got together with two other people at my level and got my boss a really nice bottle that same Christmas.

Holiday gifts is not what's happening here - I agree with you in that it's commonplace.

OP's DH had a "hard week/day". That's very different than a holiday gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read through the thread and I still find it weird as hell that the OP reached out to DH coworker. Just strange on so many levels to me and yes, this whole thing screams insecurity.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so aware of the minutiae of your husband's work place?

Do you not talk to your spouse?

Of course, but here's how the scenario would go in my house:

Me: Hey, how was your day?
DH: Eh, crazy busy today. I'm beat. Oh, but the new lady at work that I trained did give me this awesome bottle of Scotch. So that's cool!
Me: Sweet! That was nice of her. *takes it and put it in the liquor cabinet*

THE END.

[Anonymous]

I am a female attorney. I've purchased liquor or wine for male attorneys in my office a few times, either for Christmas or to say "thank you" for help/mentoring on some big project. It didn't mean anything other than "Merry Christmas" or "Thank you."

I've also run into wives like OP a couple of times. Both wives were SAH with kids and both times it was during/just after a trial that I second chaired for an attorney who was just a bit older than me. Trial prep and trial are pretty intense and involve a LOT of hours. I was spending a lot of time with their husbands. More than they were, for sure. I tried to be polite and friendly but the insecure was rolling off them. I definitely would NOT want to hang out with them and their DHs on the weekend. There were three reasons for this: 1) It would be awkward dealing with their insecurities all weekends and getting the side-eye constantly. 2) I spend ENOUGH time with their husbands at work. I don't need to see more of the guy. 3) I have a husband. I'd like to spend some time with my husband on the weekend, thanks very much.

Chill, OP. If you have a good relationship with your husband, you don't have anything to worry about. If you don't have a good relationship with your husband, worry about that, instead of worrying about his female co-workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

Women don't buy their coworkers clothing items...

Right! No "occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with." Exactly how many women are doing this and are you sure that it's just not one? These women are paying way too much attention to your husband on a personal level to know his likes in ties and his shirt size. Those items would be donated to charity. There will be no satisfaction in seeing my spouse wear "their" gifts to work.

Also, it wasn't Xmas when OP's husband got the Scotch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I'm a woman and had a 25 year old male on my team who gave me booze for Christmas. Thought nothing of it.

I got together with two other people at my level and got my boss a really nice bottle that same Christmas.

Your key word is Christmas.

I doubt OP would even blink if this was a Christmas gift.

What if a new guy at work gave you, and only you, an expensive bottle of wine at some random day in the middle of September, because he thought you seemed stressed?

I could be wrong but you would most likely think he was hitting on you.

If you reverse the genders here it is obvious that i this particular situation that OP described, it is very inappropriate at best, or a direct attempt to hit on OPs husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

Women don't buy their coworkers clothing items...

Right! No "occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with." Exactly how many women are doing this and are you sure that it's just not one? These women are paying way too much attention to your husband on a personal level to know his likes in ties and his shirt size. Those items would be donated to charity. There will be no satisfaction in seeing my spouse wear "their" gifts to work.

Also, it wasn't Xmas when OP's husband got the Scotch.

Yes, I have bought male coworkers clothing. The gift was a pair of jeans that was in response to his running joke from his children about his "Dad" jeans. OP, you probably have more to worry about from other spouses eyeing your husband than you do the one lone female co-worker. Turn your attentions to the enemy that might be right under your nose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

it may be inappropriate but IT IS NOT FOR OP TO INTERFERE. Seriously, OP is interfering BECAUSE the coworker is a woman in a male-dominated environment, and OP is suspicious. OP needs to butt out and let her DH handle any issues that may arise. It is SO entirely gross and harassing for the wife of a coworker to indicate that she thinks she can control how you behave on the job. Perhaps the coworker has a crush on DH's husband, but that's not unusual in office environments, and it needs to be handled professionally. IE - not by a jealous wife interfering. Or perhaps the coworker is simply socially awkward. Or perhaps the coworker's gift is actually accepted practice in the office, but OP is fixating on it due to her gender. In any event, NOTHING GOOD can come out of OP having direct contact with this woman, or demanding that her DH act towards her in a punitive way. DH is a big boy and a professional; he should be perfectly able to set appropriate boundaries.

Sorry, I’m the previous poster you are replying to. We have the same perspective. I was referring to the wife when I was referencing the inappropriate actions. I agree, she needs to butt out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

it may be inappropriate but IT IS NOT FOR OP TO INTERFERE. Seriously, OP is interfering BECAUSE the coworker is a woman in a male-dominated environment, and OP is suspicious. OP needs to butt out and let her DH handle any issues that may arise. It is SO entirely gross and harassing for the wife of a coworker to indicate that she thinks she can control how you behave on the job. Perhaps the coworker has a crush on DH's husband, but that's not unusual in office environments, and it needs to be handled professionally. IE - not by a jealous wife interfering. Or perhaps the coworker is simply socially awkward. Or perhaps the coworker's gift is actually accepted practice in the office, but OP is fixating on it due to her gender. In any event, NOTHING GOOD can come out of OP having direct contact with this woman, or demanding that her DH act towards her in a punitive way. DH is a big boy and a professional; he should be perfectly able to set appropriate boundaries.

Sorry, I’m the previous poster you are replying to. We have the same perspective. I was referring to the wife when I was referencing the inappropriate actions. I agree, she needs to butt out

OMG how dare you detract from my high dudgeon? lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

Women don't buy their coworkers clothing items...

Right! No "occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with." Exactly how many women are doing this and are you sure that it's just not one? These women are paying way too much attention to your husband on a personal level to know his likes in ties and his shirt size. Those items would be donated to charity. There will be no satisfaction in seeing my spouse wear "their" gifts to work.

Also, it wasn't Xmas when OP's husband got the Scotch.

Yes, I have bought male coworkers clothing. The gift was a pair of jeans that was in response to his running joke from his children about his "Dad" jeans. OP, you probably have more to worry about from other spouses eyeing your husband than you do the one lone female co-worker. Turn your attentions to the enemy that might be right under your nose.

Gag gifts are not dress shirts where you need to know his neck size, chest measurement and sleeve length to purchase it.

There are 3 ways to find out that info:

A) Ask his size at which 99.9% of people would say "Uh, no thanks" then think how weird of a request that was.

Or

B) measuring the guy (not likely to happen at work)

Or

C) Have access to the inside of his collar or the inside seam of his shirt, the common denominator being intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

it may be inappropriate but IT IS NOT FOR OP TO INTERFERE. Seriously, OP is interfering BECAUSE the coworker is a woman in a male-dominated environment, and OP is suspicious. OP needs to butt out and let her DH handle any issues that may arise. It is SO entirely gross and harassing for the wife of a coworker to indicate that she thinks she can control how you behave on the job. Perhaps the coworker has a crush on DH's husband, but that's not unusual in office environments, and it needs to be handled professionally. IE - not by a jealous wife interfering. Or perhaps the coworker is simply socially awkward. Or perhaps the coworker's gift is actually accepted practice in the office, but OP is fixating on it due to her gender. In any event, NOTHING GOOD can come out of OP having direct contact with this woman, or demanding that her DH act towards her in a punitive way. DH is a big boy and a professional; he should be perfectly able to set appropriate boundaries.

Sorry, I’m the previous poster you are replying to. We have the same perspective. I was referring to the wife when I was referencing the inappropriate actions. I agree, she needs to butt out

OMG how dare you detract from my high dudgeon? lol.

Inappropriate for the coworker you mean.

[Anonymous]

Op here with an update.

So last night for cocktail hour my husband and I were chatting with another couple. It was a bit crowded but outside and the entrance was to my back. She literally bounced in the circle and rubbed up against his shoulder with a half hug all while laughing. It was a strange approach. She then saw me got a little wide eyes and moved around my husband and onto the other couple. I don’t attend these often and I am sure she was surprised. She didn’t speak at all to me, which is fine. I was bothered by her entrance dance and hug though a little I guess.

Before, during and at the end of dinner my husband mentioned at least three times that he was worried about where she was sitting and whom she was sitting with, since she was not at the three tables that the other “10” were at. He was worried that she didn’t get the same treatment as the rest of the 9 guys.

This am I finally brought it up to him and he admitted that he was surprised she completely ignored me again tonight. I asked about the liquor and he admitted that it was a bit much. He said if one of his buddies of the group of 10 had a bad day or week he would bring a bottle to the guys office, share a drink and brink the bottle home. His almost $75- $100 (i looked it up) bottle is still at his office apparently unopened. Bottles of liquor are norm for transfers, going always, not bad days typically in this setting. He also said that they do not talk or text outside of meetings when i asked this am. Maybe they don’t text but I am sure they talk in person or phones or both.

Idk, honestly I am a bit on edge with it. I feel like the behavior is on the line almost crossing into too much of an emotional friendship. I believe 100 percent there is not an affair, nor do I believe my husband has the hots for her. She is not his type as she is a bit heavy and just average. I believe that he is friendly with her as he is with everyone and maybe she is obviously confusing these friendly feelings with a true relationship.

Also, again I understand it may feel weird that we invited her to an outing. Absolutely in any other work environment would I 100 percent agree. However, in our close knit work setting families attend weekend outings together all of the time. Some are divorced and they attend with another couple. When I do not attend my husband will attend or ride with another couple. No big deal.

Idk. Thanks for all of the advice so far and thanks for any advice now.

I did not bring up the bottle to her, nor will I. I won’t write a thank you card and obviously plan to stay out of it. I told my husband it’s very obvious she’s into him and he’s staring to be overly concerned for her. I told him if that I am not overly jealous but it is beginning to cross a line in my book and if that’s what he wants, he can go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

Women don't buy their coworkers clothing items...

Right! No "occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with." Exactly how many women are doing this and are you sure that it's just not one? These women are paying way too much attention to your husband on a personal level to know his likes in ties and his shirt size. Those items would be donated to charity. There will be no satisfaction in seeing my spouse wear "their" gifts to work.

Also, it wasn't Xmas when OP's husband got the Scotch.

Yes, I have bought male coworkers clothing. The gift was a pair of jeans that was in response to his running joke from his children about his "Dad" jeans. OP, you probably have more to worry about from other spouses eyeing your husband than you do the one lone female co-worker. Turn your attentions to the enemy that might be right under your nose.

Gag gifts are not dress shirts where you need to know his neck size, chest measurement and sleeve length to purchase it.

There are 3 ways to find out that info:

A) Ask his size at which 99.9% of people would say "Uh, no thanks" then think how weird of a request that was.

Or

B) measuring the guy (not likely to happen at work)

Or

C) Have access to the inside of his collar or the inside seam of his shirt, the common denominator being intimacy.

D) Ask his assistant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here with an update.

So last night for cocktail hour my husband and I were chatting with another couple. It was a bit crowded but outside and the entrance was to my back. She literally bounced in the circle and rubbed up against his shoulder with a half hug all while laughing. It was a strange approach. She then saw me got a little wide eyes and moved around my husband and onto the other couple. I don’t attend these often and I am sure she was surprised. She didn’t speak at all to me, which is fine. I was bothered by her entrance dance and hug though a little I guess.

Before, during and at the end of dinner my husband mentioned at least three times that he was worried about where she was sitting and whom she was sitting with, since she was not at the three tables that the other “10” were at. He was worried that she didn’t get the same treatment as the rest of the 9 guys.

This am I finally brought it up to him and he admitted that he was surprised she completely ignored me again tonight. I asked about the liquor and he admitted that it was a bit much. He said if one of his buddies of the group of 10 had a bad day or week he would bring a bottle to the guys office, share a drink and brink the bottle home. His almost $75- $100 (i looked it up) bottle is still at his office apparently unopened. Bottles of liquor are norm for transfers, going always, not bad days typically in this setting. He also said that they do not talk or text outside of meetings when i asked this am. Maybe they don’t text but I am sure they talk in person or phones or both.

Idk, honestly I am a bit on edge with it. I feel like the behavior is on the line almost crossing into too much of an emotional friendship. I believe 100 percent there is not an affair, nor do I believe my husband has the hots for her. She is not his type as she is a bit heavy and just average. I believe that he is friendly with her as he is with everyone and maybe she is obviously confusing these friendly feelings with a true relationship.

Also, again I understand it may feel weird that we invited her to an outing. Absolutely in any other work environment would I 100 percent agree. However, in our close knit work setting families attend weekend outings together all of the time. Some are divorced and they attend with another couple. When I do not attend my husband will attend or ride with another couple. No big deal.

Idk. Thanks for all of the advice so far and thanks for any advice now.

I did not bring up the bottle to her, nor will I. I won’t write a thank you card and obviously plan to stay out of it. I told my husband it’s very obvious she’s into him and he’s staring to be overly concerned for her. I told him if that I am not overly jealous but it is beginning to cross a line in my book and if that’s what he wants, he can go for it.

You have issues and you need to chill. It's not her fault she's a woman in an all-male environment. You're sexualizing her apparently NORMAL conduct, and it's gross. Treat her like any other coworker of your husbands.