Husband’s female coworker bought him a bottle of scotch, she won’t talk to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bottle of scotch is not a very romantic gift. I'd probably keep an eye on things, but absent other red flags (do they text outside of work often, discuss personal things?), I'd let it go.

Depends on the man, and depends on the Scotch.

I agree and I'll add that it is a personal (therefore, inappropriate) gift.

Personal? That’s a stretch. Alcohol is the most impersonal gift you can give besides a plant.

It's personal in the sense that she noticed he had a rough week and wanted to make him feel better. That is neither her job nor her concern.

Wow, where do you work where there’s such a callous disregard for coworkers and peers. If this was a guy giving another guy the bottle, would you feel the same? If so, you are part of the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

it may be inappropriate but IT IS NOT FOR OP TO INTERFERE. Seriously, OP is interfering BECAUSE the coworker is a woman in a male-dominated environment, and OP is suspicious. OP needs to butt out and let her DH handle any issues that may arise. It is SO entirely gross and harassing for the wife of a coworker to indicate that she thinks she can control how you behave on the job. Perhaps the coworker has a crush on DH's husband, but that's not unusual in office environments, and it needs to be handled professionally. IE - not by a jealous wife interfering. Or perhaps the coworker is simply socially awkward. Or perhaps the coworker's gift is actually accepted practice in the office, but OP is fixating on it due to her gender. In any event, NOTHING GOOD can come out of OP having direct contact with this woman, or demanding that her DH act towards her in a punitive way. DH is a big boy and a professional; he should be perfectly able to set appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bottle of scotch is not a very romantic gift. I'd probably keep an eye on things, but absent other red flags (do they text outside of work often, discuss personal things?), I'd let it go.

Depends on the man, and depends on the Scotch.

I agree and I'll add that it is a personal (therefore, inappropriate) gift.

Personal? That’s a stretch. Alcohol is the most impersonal gift you can give besides a plant.

It's personal in the sense that she noticed he had a rough week and wanted to make him feel better. That is neither her job nor her concern.

Wow, where do you work where there’s such a callous disregard for coworkers and peers. If this was a guy giving another guy the bottle, would you feel the same? If so, you are part of the problem

Right, and we have no idea of how the gift came to be, or if gifting like this is common practice (or perhaps was common practice at the coworker's previous job). Maybe she had been gifted the scotch herself and didn't want it and just gave it to him. A million possible reasons.

[Anonymous]

If only wives would look at women at work as just another colleague. If we can't do it for ourselves, how can we expect men to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this coworker attractive?

Do you have to ask?

This whole thread -- catty note from first page included -- screams "I am insecure and feeling threatened."

Agree - if you are safe and secure in your marriage, this gift from the other woman is meaningless. My husband gets an occasional tie and shirt for xmas from women he works with. I am not at all threatened. I know my husband comes home to me at night.

Women don't buy their coworkers clothing items...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bottle of scotch is not a very romantic gift. I'd probably keep an eye on things, but absent other red flags (do they text outside of work often, discuss personal things?), I'd let it go.

Depends on the man, and depends on the Scotch.

I agree and I'll add that it is a personal (therefore, inappropriate) gift.

Personal? That’s a stretch. Alcohol is the most impersonal gift you can give besides a plant.

It's personal in the sense that she noticed he had a rough week and wanted to make him feel better. That is neither her job nor her concern.

Wow, where do you work where there’s such a callous disregard for coworkers and peers. If this was a guy giving another guy the bottle, would you feel the same? If so, you are part of the problem

Yes, I would think it weird and inappropriate if a male coworker bought my husband an expensive and personal bottle of scot h because he "had a rough week". It is not professional.

If she bought it because they were both scotch drinkers and she thought it was a flavor profile he might enjoy, and it was a fifth vs an actual bottle, not super appropriate but not really a big deal.

What OP describes is very inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I read through the thread and I still find it weird as hell that the OP reached out to DH coworker. Just strange on so many levels to me and yes, this whole thing screams insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok help me understand the situation. My husband works with about ten others at his level including the only female. They do not see each other daily but numerous times throughout the week at meetings and events. She is fairly new to the group as of this summer and she just gave my husband an expensive bottle of scotch because he was having a hard day / week for his first time with his employees. Most of the other men have a harder time and she has never sent them anything nor does she seem to have that friendship with them.

Since she is new and never married or without kids I thought I would invite her to hang with us for a weekend event. She barely answered me and won’t speak to me really at all. She will however spend the most time at events with my husband. Sometimes she is the only one in attendance with him to elective events. am not upset at this but just thought i would try and be nice and include her. Honestly no big deal, but now I am starting to wonder about the scotch thing.

Do I need to read more into it or is this a no big deal and fairly common practice to do in the corporate world?

Curious to know which industry this is in. Is it sales? Commercial real estate? Technology? Public Facing? Legal? Local? MNC? Corporations are in all industries, and the workplace cultures of the norm can greatly vary by industry. It is hard to give a 100% objective consideration to all facets of possibilities of this (assumingly young and junior) woman entering into a professional circle with 9 other males. If there is a culture of leadership, competition, interpersonal relationships, etc. that comes into play too. One client based overseas may gift a $200 oz of parfum oil to all team members, while a different client working in public administration may not be able to pay a dime toward your $5 subway footlong. Context matters here when asking questions about culture and norms.

That said, I would definitely keep my antennae tuned, without crossing boundaries in my function as a wife and professional, and my husband's function as a husband and professional. I agree that this woman's behavior is alarming, if not for naivete, then for the potential negative implications whether intentional or consequential by no fault of her own doing. Is she a subordinate, or in any type of administrative support role? That your DH shared it with you is good too. I think you are taking the right approach, from what you did by not getting upset in any way (so refreshing to see!), and offering an opportunity to meet each other by inviting her when your DH shared what happened (assuming it is not out of the norm for you to do that in his workplace).

And, add me to the count of readers that liked the thank you note from the first poster in this thread. I suspect this woman likes your husband OP, and also agree with the male poster who called the behavior as excessive in nature at first look. Again, there are a lot of unknowns, so I would try to learn as much as you can about the situation before reacting further.

I think OPs situation is military based on the socialization she described and because of this, I thinkwhat she did is pretty dang inappropriate.

I got the same impression regarding the industry. And also agree with the impact of her actions. Inappropriate

it may be inappropriate but IT IS NOT FOR OP TO INTERFERE. Seriously, OP is interfering BECAUSE the coworker is a woman in a male-dominated environment, and OP is suspicious. OP needs to butt out and let her DH handle any issues that may arise. It is SO entirely gross and harassing for the wife of a coworker to indicate that she thinks she can control how you behave on the job. Perhaps the coworker has a crush on DH's husband, but that's not unusual in office environments, and it needs to be handled professionally. IE - not by a jealous wife interfering. Or perhaps the coworker is simply socially awkward. Or perhaps the coworker's gift is actually accepted practice in the office, but OP is fixating on it due to her gender. In any event, NOTHING GOOD can come out of OP having direct contact with this woman, or demanding that her DH act towards her in a punitive way. DH is a big boy and a professional; he should be perfectly able to set appropriate boundaries.

I think we found the predator who likes to have affairs with her married male coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Guy here - personally, given that she's new, a bottle of scotch as a gift b/c he had a "hard week/day" is flat out weird. In all my years in the workplace, I've never seen that. Either she is totally new out of school and is genuinely trying to make your DH feel better (which is still weird but whatever) or she has ulterior motives (hint, they are not good for OP). I can't imagine another scenario.

regardless, I find it really weird that OP reached out to her in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If only wives would look at women at work as just another colleague. If we can't do it for ourselves, how can we expect men to?

If only women at work would not sleep with their married coworkers.

It would make things easier for everyone, especially the women who are in it for the job and career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here - personally, given that she's new, a bottle of scotch as a gift b/c he had a "hard week/day" is flat out weird. In all my years in the workplace, I've never seen that. Either she is totally new out of school and is genuinely trying to make your DH feel better (which is still weird but whatever) or she has ulterior motives (hint, they are not good for OP). I can't imagine another scenario.

regardless, I find it really weird that OP reached out to her in the first place.

Poster who thinks it is military.

Husband should have said "Thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I can't accept this gift."

Especially if he is a higher rank.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your industry but at my current job and my last job, I have had a male boss and people on their teams, both male and female, have given them bottles at various points.

In my industry, alcohol is probably one of the least personal gifts you can give, I've received bottles from clients, bosses, and people who work for me.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I'm a woman and had a 25 year old male on my team who gave me booze for Christmas. Thought nothing of it.

I got together with two other people at my level and got my boss a really nice bottle that same Christmas.