Boyfriend still supporting ex-wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

My ex and I have owned a home together for ten years post-divorce. True I pay the mortgage; he helps with repairs. It's for the sake of providing our children with the stability of their childhood home.

Once the kids go to college we will sell and split the proceeds.

Doesn't seem so crazy to me. And we had a bad divorce (infidelity) but manage to put that all aside and make a sound financial/housing decision for the kids. Plus he sees our house as an investment/will appreciate over the course of the kids growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

Only if she agrees to give him money. Which she should not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

She said that it was an issue because he was asking for money. Why do you chose not to believe that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

She said that it was an issue because he was asking for money. Why do you chose not to believe that?

Because her title doesn't say "boyfriend asking me for money." It says "boyfriend still supporting ex-wife" which is the real issue. She views it as him supporting his ex wife and not his kids. Why do you choose to not see the real issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

She said that it was an issue because he was asking for money. Why do you chose not to believe that?

Because her title doesn't say "boyfriend asking me for money." It says "boyfriend still supporting ex-wife" which is the real issue. She views it as him supporting his ex wife and not his kids. Why do you choose to not see the real issue?

Boyfriend is supporting the ex. He pays her bill's and asks OP to pay his. She was previously unaware how much he paid for the ex and gave him money when he asked. She now sees that he is using her to subsidize his payments to his ex. She doesn't want to be used in that way. If you want to be a pushover, go for it, but I'm with OP. She has no obligation to his ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

She said that it was an issue because he was asking for money. Why do you chose not to believe that?

Because her title doesn't say "boyfriend asking me for money." It says "boyfriend still supporting ex-wife" which is the real issue. She views it as him supporting his ex wife and not his kids. Why do you choose to not see the real issue?

Boyfriend is supporting the ex. He pays her bill's and asks OP to pay his. She was previously unaware how much he paid for the ex and gave him money when he asked. She now sees that he is using her to subsidize his payments to his ex. She doesn't want to be used in that way. If you want to be a pushover, go for it, but I'm with OP. She has no obligation to his ex wife.

Literally no one said OP has an obligation to his ex wife. He does, however, have an obligation to his children. As many decent men do, he probably wants them to stay in the house that they know in the schools where they've been prior to divorce. Even I said, he is probably not for her since she doesn't get what he is going. She should break it off and find someone more suitable for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

She said that it was an issue because he was asking for money. Why do you chose not to believe that?

Because her title doesn't say "boyfriend asking me for money." It says "boyfriend still supporting ex-wife" which is the real issue. She views it as him supporting his ex wife and not his kids. Why do you choose to not see the real issue?

Boyfriend is supporting the ex. He pays her bill's and asks OP to pay his. She was previously unaware how much he paid for the ex and gave him money when he asked. She now sees that he is using her to subsidize his payments to his ex. She doesn't want to be used in that way. If you want to be a pushover, go for it, but I'm with OP. She has no obligation to his ex wife.

Literally no one said OP has an obligation to his ex wife. He does, however, have an obligation to his children. As many decent men do, he probably wants them to stay in the house that they know in the schools where they've been prior to divorce. Even I said, he is probably not for her since she doesn't get what he is going. She should break it off and find someone more suitable for her.

From what I'm reading, OP isn't concerned about her boyfriend supporting his kids. The kids are older, and she's concerned the house payments will continue once the kids are out of the house and in college. Her boyfriend can't afford both college expenses and the house payment, and will lean on her to make it up. I think it's a valid concern. It's one thing to enable children to stay in a home, it's a whole other thing to pay for an entire house where only his ex is residing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

Please the OP is getting all her information second hand via her boyfriend WHO BY THE WAY despite three years of them being together is just now telling her that he still supports his ex-wife.
What the hell makes you think the information this guy is giving her is in any way, shape, or form accurate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

That's a lot of nerve then to ask you for money. His ex needs to pay her own mortgage or sell the home. She can get a 2nd job, but this is something you should tell him is not negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

That's a lot of nerve then to ask you for money. His ex needs to pay her own mortgage or sell the home. She can get a 2nd job, but this is something you should tell him is not negotiable.

I think you approach it nicely first, asking him when he plans to end the financial contributions. Not an ultimatum.

Once he provides his answer, OP can decide whether to give ultimatum, whether to break up, etc.

[Anonymous]

Also when OP says he has "asked her for money in the past", what does that mean? Did he ask her to pick up the check for dinner, did he ask her for a $2000 loan to pay his mortgage, did he ask her to *give* him substantial amounts to pay bills? Or did he say, "I can't contribute as much to our dream vacation in Iceland as we had originally budgeted". Need more details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

I disagree. If you're making a life together, your partner/spouse should know that you're spending your money on an ex. Especially if they're borrowing money from you. But if you're only casually dating, no, it's not the other person's business.

Were you supporting an ex, pp? If so, your then-boyfriend should have been told so that he can decide whether he wants to marry you when you have those outside commitments. He might still want to but it's only fair for him to have full information before committing himself to a long-term relationship. I can't imagine going forward with a committed relationship without letting my partner know that I have an expensive outside commitment. I'd probably be cool with my partner supporting his former family. I would not be cool with having that fact hidden from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also when OP says he has "asked her for money in the past", what does that mean? Did he ask her to pick up the check for dinner, did he ask her for a $2000 loan to pay his mortgage, did he ask her to *give* him substantial amounts to pay bills? Or did he say, "I can't contribute as much to our dream vacation in Iceland as we had originally budgeted". Need more details.

I was about to ask the same question. There's a big difference between asking someone to pay your electric bill and asking someone to front you the money for the luxury vacation they really want to take when you can't afford it and would be totally find traveling on a budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

I disagree. If you're making a life together, your partner/spouse should know that you're spending your money on an ex. Especially if they're borrowing money from you. But if you're only casually dating, no, it's not the other person's business.

Were you supporting an ex, pp? If so, your then-boyfriend should have been told so that he can decide whether he wants to marry you when you have those outside commitments. He might still want to but it's only fair for him to have full information before committing himself to a long-term relationship. I can't imagine going forward with a committed relationship without letting my partner know that I have an expensive outside commitment. I'd probably be cool with my partner supporting his former family. I would not be cool with having that fact hidden from me.

No I wasn't, but unless there is real talk of marriage and combining finances, i absolutely did not feel the need to disclose what I spend my money on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

My ex and I have owned a home together for ten years post-divorce. True I pay the mortgage; he helps with repairs. It's for the sake of providing our children with the stability of their childhood home.

If his name is not on the title or the mortgage then he doesn't own it.

It is not necessary for him to have his name on the title or mortgage to provide kids with stability. And I can see a lot of potential downsides to him having his name on the title or mortgage.