Boyfriend still supporting ex-wife

[Anonymous]

Is his name still on the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is his name still on the house?

Yes. He still submits the payment and calls the arrangement rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry him if this bothers you too much. Just stay bf/gf and keep your finances as separate as possible.

+1

And don't give him money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op—I faced a similar situation. DHs ex wife did not work at all. She was a SAHM till the youngest graduated HS. She now works and makes enough to live on but DH still pays the mortgage on her house.

I knew this going in. It was ok with me. I supported our household for many years. He has 2 kids from his first marriage and 2 from ours.

We all get along very well. The kids get along and there is no resentment between them that the little kids get xyz because I work and their mom did not. We treat all 4 kids fairly. And yes, sometimes a little kid has to give up something for a big kid—but that’s true in any family.

DH and I have been together for 20 yrs. His 2nd child was 5 when we started dating. Two are now out of college and we still help them out. We are helping the oldest with the down payment on his house. Our oldest daughters wedding is next summer and we are paying for that. And even though we are paying for it, her bio mom is fully involved and I take the back seat. I bore 2 children but I have 4 and I work to support all 4.

If you’re in this for the long haul, a few years or even a lot of years of helping the ex-wife out is no big deal. It creates harmony within the family structure.

OP - This is how you should feel. I'm not saying you need to support his ex being a SAHM but the general sentiment of this post. The fact that your first inclination isn't thinking about what both of your kids need long term and how to create a good blended family dynamic says something is off and that's OK. He's not the guy for you. Maybe it's his relationship with/support of his ex; maybe it's your relationship with his kids (or lack thereof); maybe it's that he's not your financial equal. We can't really tell from what you have posted but it all likely adds up to you need to move on. Clearly it's important to you to find a relationship where either the man doesn't have kids or is able to support his first family without impacting yours. Again, that's OK. You are the Mom to your kids first and need to find a mate that fits into what you want for them just as your mate does. If you want to stay with this guy, you shouldn't get married. Based on your feelings about his kids and support of his ex, I'm not sure why he would want to marry you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be ok with me. Child support? Of course. Ex-wife support? Hell no.

Don't date divorced men with children then.

I married a divorced man with kids. When his ex couldn't pay the mortgage (despite child support of 2800 a month) she lost her house. And we gained physical custody of the children. Grown ups support themselves.

You just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with this man supplementing the mortgage on the house where his children live. Zero. He seems to be doing that willingly and beyond what is court ordered.

Are you really proud of yourself for gaining custody over something like "mom couldn't afford the house?" If the judge gave you custody solely based on that, shame on him and shame on you.

Actually, men who get divorced and move out may decide to subsidize the mortgage in order to keep their kids in the same school district, which a parent couldn't afford on one income. If the man pays part of the mortgage and gets part of the equity acquired over time when the house is sold after the kids move out other own, then this can be an investment and a form of child support that will return equity, not "ex-wife support". Also some men do this because they are upside down on the mortgage and if financially able, continuing to pay the mortgage until equity is accrued so house can be sold w/o loss, is a smart move.

+1000 and some men don't want their kids to be forced to move because one parent cannot afford the mortgage. All of the threads I see here operate under the assumption that the man is the lowest form of scum.

OP here. The do respect his decision to provide for his kids. It has become apparent that he cannot afford to maintain the two separate households though. I suspect that he wanted to partner with me, based upon his money borrowing, to help make things more affordable for him to live separately from his ex-wife.

That's life, take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Thanking God again today for my saintly stepmom. I coulda had OP.

[Anonymous]

If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

[Anonymous]

I admire your boyfriend for not wanting to uproot his kids when he and his ex split. It will be up to him and his ex to figure out what the arrangement is after the kids move out, but sounds like you are jumping the gun a bit. I wouldn't loan him money but you need to have eyes wide open that he takes his responsibilities seriously as a father and there will always be resources that you might want to keep that will (and probably should) go to his kids.

[Anonymous]

Here's the issue, it's the boyfriend's responsibility to support his ex and kids, not the OP's. He should not be asking OP for money to give to his ex. She has her own children and her own obligations. Her kids don't need to give up anything for her boyfriend or his ex wife. The boyfriend should take a second job if he is chronically short of money. I don't think you need to look at a boyfriend relationship the same way as a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

If he asks her for money, it is her business why he needs it.

I don't think that is the issue here though. She doesn't have to give him money. It's as simple as that. But nothing kills a relationship faster than the new partner dictating how and how much you spend on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

Actually, it’s quite common for divorced parents to share ownership of the family home for reasons mentioned by PPs above. And it’s quite common to have a divorce settlement that provides that one parent can continue living in the marital home while the other continues with name on mortgage and contributing to mortgage payment. And, if it is as typical, that the ex-wife also has her name on the house, she is not a tenant but owner and BF will not be able to evict her. BF could try to force the sale of the house, but ex-wife would still be due a share of equity in the house.

BTW, love the sexism in this thread and by OP - that assumes somehow ex-wife is mooching off of exH - is annoying. When we bought our first house, I put down the entire down payment. DH had the income to qualify but not the savings and I had the savings but not the income. DH would have had to continue paying his half of the mortgage for 3-4 years just to equal out what I had put down in down payment, more if he had to make up for accrued equity. DH could have never afforded to cash me out of the equity in the house and I could have never refinanced on my own due to my lower salary (see how pay inequality hurts men also?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is his name still on the house?

Yes. He still submits the payment and calls the arrangement rent.

OK well that's a bit different. He stands to make 50% of the profit when the house is sold. It's not like he's giving his ex money for a property that she will solely benefit from.