Boyfriend still supporting ex-wife

[Anonymous]

OP it speaks well of your ex that he's committed to sustaining his children in a good lifestyle/in the family home. However, it is not unreasonable, if you are going to be serious about the relationship, to have a deadline for when that commitment ends. He should tell his ex wife now, something like, "Six months after the youngest leaves for college, I'll be ending my contributions to the mortgage. Instead, I'll consider contributing a portion of those resources to little Susie's tuition/housing costs whatever."

FYI my ex and I still own our house together. He left me with two very little children. I pay the mortgage alone. I've had a few roommates over the years to defray costs. I plan to sell the house as soon as the last one leaves for college and ex and I will split the proceeds. Currently we split costs for home repairs.

[Anonymous]

OP - it sounds like you don't want this. You don't want this behavior of his in your life. That's what dating is for. That's why you have someone as only a boyfriend first. It's not a permanent arrangement. You are entitled to a preference --- no explanation/justification needed. No need to assign or debate fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can do whatever he wants for his ex and kids, but OP should not have to subsidize that.

I agree with this. It sounds like the only way he can maintain his current "lifestyle", however noble it may be, is to have OP subsidize him. The problem with that plan is that it sounds like he hasn't had an honest conversation with OP about that being where the finances are headed. OP is concerned because he has asked her for money in the past.

OP, you guys need to talk brass tacks so that each of you has a clear understanding of what the other expects and what the other is willing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it speaks well of your ex that he's committed to sustaining his children in a good lifestyle/in the family home. However, it is not unreasonable, if you are going to be serious about the relationship, to have a deadline for when that commitment ends. He should tell his ex wife now, something like, "Six months after the youngest leaves for college, I'll be ending my contributions to the mortgage. Instead, I'll consider contributing a portion of those resources to little Susie's tuition/housing costs whatever."

FYI my ex and I still own our house together. He left me with two very little children. I pay the mortgage alone. I've had a few roommates over the years to defray costs. I plan to sell the house as soon as the last one leaves for college and ex and I will split the proceeds. Currently we split costs for home repairs.

sorry, "speaks well of your boyfriend".

[Anonymous]

OP, approximately what income levels are we talking about here? Does he make $70k and you make three times what he does? Personally I don't mind dating a man who doesn't make much money, as long as he is a hard worker and responsible (lives within his means). There's no reason why he can't have a budget for entertaining his girlfriend that includes less-expensive outings. You may choose to budget for more-expensive outings. Obvs he should not be asking you for money for his bills. But he can take you to a free music in the park night and you can pay for movie tickets. Or if we are talking about higher incomes, he can pay for movies and you can pay for Barbados, or whatever it is that you want to do as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be ok with me. Child support? Of course. Ex-wife support? Hell no.

Don't date divorced men with children then.

I married a divorced man with kids. When his ex couldn't pay the mortgage (despite child support of 2800 a month) she lost her house. And we gained physical custody of the children. Grown ups support themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP are you going to cut your own kids off? Maybe you can both reach an agreement to stop supporting all the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be ok with me. Child support? Of course. Ex-wife support? Hell no.

Don't date divorced men with children then.

I married a divorced man with kids. When his ex couldn't pay the mortgage (despite child support of 2800 a month) she lost her house. And we gained physical custody of the children. Grown ups support themselves.

You just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with this man supplementing the mortgage on the house where his children live. Zero. He seems to be doing that willingly and beyond what is court ordered.

Are you really proud of yourself for gaining custody over something like "mom couldn't afford the house?" If the judge gave you custody solely based on that, shame on him and shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldn't be ok with me. Child support? Of course. Ex-wife support? Hell no.

Don't date divorced men with children then.

I married a divorced man with kids. When his ex couldn't pay the mortgage (despite child support of 2800 a month) she lost her house. And we gained physical custody of the children. Grown ups support themselves.

You just don't get it. There is nothing wrong with this man supplementing the mortgage on the house where his children live. Zero. He seems to be doing that willingly and beyond what is court ordered.

Are you really proud of yourself for gaining custody over something like "mom couldn't afford the house?" If the judge gave you custody solely based on that, shame on him and shame on you.

Yeah I kind of have to agree. Imagine how the kids feel about losing their home. If it was within dad's power to prevent that, or mitigate it somehow, that's terrible. Seems mean spirited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry him if this bothers you too much. Just stay bf/gf and keep your finances as separate as possible.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can do whatever he wants for his ex and kids, but OP should not have to subsidize that.

I agree with this. It sounds like the only way he can maintain his current "lifestyle", however noble it may be, is to have OP subsidize him.

He's not living with the OP now, so very obviously he is able to maintain his current lifestyle without any "subsidy".

Anonymous wrote:The problem with that plan is that it sounds like he hasn't had an honest conversation with OP about that being where the finances are headed.

She knows an awful lot about his finances for someone who hasn't had an honest conversation about it. I think she just doesn't like the answers she got from that conversation because she's all about me, me, me, me, me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

Oh that's so hilarious.
Lol honey y'all ain't getting married.
But it's cute that you threw that in there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. There are a ton of people commenting who are not comprehending the information in my post. And no, I am not desperate to marry this man, been there and done that, so I understand what a marriage entails.

Yes, after 3 years, we have discussed our finances and I do know the details. It sounds like a lot of you are still upset or angry over your own divorces or in poor financial situations after your divorces.

The issues that we are having are normal for a logical progression of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Think of it this way, when you guys get divorced he’ll help you out too.

how? He sounds broke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely have an issue with him subsidizing her mortgage - the house is in her name only yes? - when his kids are out of the house! There is no need for that and she needs to downsize if she can’t afford the mortgage on her own. Paying for them to go to college is a different story and what a decent man would do. But these are two separate things and I think PPs aren’t reading carefully or comprehending fully.

Also, if he lied to you about this it is an issue. I think this is probably not the man for you.

Perhaps he wants HIS kids to live in a decent house/area. God, women can be so selfish and stupid sometimes.

does the ex wife want HER kids to live in a decent house/area? She needs to get a better job. It sounds like the boyfriends should be putting that money towards a decent place of his own for HIS kids to live.