Boyfriend still supporting ex-wife

[Anonymous]

OP, what is really going on here? Its been three years. Are you wanting to get married and have kids? You need to have a serious discussion with him on how he plans to pay for college, child support or kids expenses and continue to fund the ex. At some point, she needs to downsize and live within her means. There is obviously more to the story. When there is a situation like this you NEVER ever co-mix money and each contributes half to the household expenses. If you plan to have kids with him, there is no way he is going to contribute to your child. If he is borrowing money and no long term commitment, he's using you and time to move on. You should not be lending him money to fund his ex and kids. Tell him to use a credit card and you are not the bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

He sounds like a decent person.

Yes, except that they've been together for three years and she only recently found out about this. Huge red flag.

I dated my now husband for almost 10 years and didn't feel the need to tell him how I spent my money. He shouldn't have to disclose to his GF how he spends his paycheck. It's none of her business.

I disagree. If you're making a life together, your partner/spouse should know that you're spending your money on an ex. Especially if they're borrowing money from you. But if you're only casually dating, no, it's not the other person's business.

Were you supporting an ex, pp? If so, your then-boyfriend should have been told so that he can decide whether he wants to marry you when you have those outside commitments. He might still want to but it's only fair for him to have full information before committing himself to a long-term relationship. I can't imagine going forward with a committed relationship without letting my partner know that I have an expensive outside commitment. I'd probably be cool with my partner supporting his former family. I would not be cool with having that fact hidden from me.

No I wasn't, but unless there is real talk of marriage and combining finances, i absolutely did not feel the need to disclose what I spend my money on.

Okay, then I'm fine with your position. But anyone moving towards marriage, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

Actually, it’s quite common for divorced parents to share ownership of the family home for reasons mentioned by PPs above. And it’s quite common to have a divorce settlement that provides that one parent can continue living in the marital home while the other continues with name on mortgage and contributing to mortgage payment. And, if it is as typical, that the ex-wife also has her name on the house, she is not a tenant but owner and BF will not be able to evict her. BF could try to force the sale of the house, but ex-wife would still be due a share of equity in the house.

I don't believe that it's "quite common". But that aside, it's a very bad idea. It leaves both parties vulnerable to all sorts of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

My ex and I have owned a home together for ten years post-divorce. True I pay the mortgage; he helps with repairs. It's for the sake of providing our children with the stability of their childhood home.

If his name is not on the title or the mortgage then he doesn't own it.

It is not necessary for him to have his name on the title or mortgage to provide kids with stability. And I can see a lot of potential downsides to him having his name on the title or mortgage.

I think OP said he does own the house still, with the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why he would be asking you for money, but he sounds like a very decent father. Why in the world would you not be supportive of that?

Because the income is funneled towards his children with Ex, therefore OP's kids get less. My DH did the same thing (he has no child support...kid lives with us) and I've told him to use his own funds/paycheck for step-DC's activities. I still pitch in fairly as far as groceries, gas, incidentals, give step-DC spending $$$, and take DC to activities....and pay the bills I am responsible for out of my paycheck. Screw the joint account.

[Anonymous]

OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

OP you need to reframe this. Your problem is with how your BF manages money. He needs to start to live within his means. If you take him on you take them on. So make a choice with your eyes wide open and leave resentment behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

OP--you could be putting these funds into your kids' 529 plans. You're not married, so you don't own him anything besides agreed upon joint expenses.

[Anonymous]

Did the marriage end because he cheated on her? With you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

He’s using you.

The ex doesn’t have to do anything - she doesn’t have to move or get a better job or anything else unless BF and ex agree to it. OP has no say in that conversation.

But OP is wrong in giving money. OP is subsidizing the ex - not BF. OP is taking money from her own kids and household for a boyfriend. That’s the real issue. All the talk about what’s normal or not, what’s decent and kind is really fluff. BF isn’t kind - apparently OP is.

OP - you need someone who can support themselves, their kids, and whatever financial commitments they’ve made on their own. You can’t be seriously talking about living together and forming a new household with someone who can’t manage their own finances now - and will only get worse with college expenses looming. You’re going to have a kept man and regret it. You don’t need someone who can bankroll you but with your own kids to worry about, you need at minimum an equal partner who won’t drain you financially and impact your kids’ quality of life - especially if marriage isn’t even on your radar.

I wouldn’t continue this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the OP has described it accurately, this guy had the craziest divorce settlement I've ever heard of. His wife lives in a house that he pays for and it is still under his name? If she got the house in the divorce, the title and mortgage should be in her name, and paying for it should be her problem. On the plus side, once the kids go to college, he can have her evicted since she is, in effect, a tenant. Ask her to pay more rent, and when she says no, serve her notice to pay rent or quit.

Actually, it’s quite common for divorced parents to share ownership of the family home for reasons mentioned by PPs above. And it’s quite common to have a divorce settlement that provides that one parent can continue living in the marital home while the other continues with name on mortgage and contributing to mortgage payment. And, if it is as typical, that the ex-wife also has her name on the house, she is not a tenant but owner and BF will not be able to evict her. BF could try to force the sale of the house, but ex-wife would still be due a share of equity in the house.

I don't believe that it's "quite common". But that aside, it's a very bad idea. It leaves both parties vulnerable to all sorts of problems.

That may be true, but generally it's done to avoid other problems. When you divorce, there are often only choices to make and often all the available choices are shitty and you are just picking the least shitty. Some people put preventing the financial risk to their credit or other potential problems above the risk to the kids of disrupting their school life and ability to maintain a stable home environment in a good neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

He’s using you.

The ex doesn’t have to do anything - she doesn’t have to move or get a better job or anything else unless BF and ex agree to it. OP has no say in that conversation.

But OP is wrong in giving money. OP is subsidizing the ex - not BF. OP is taking money from her own kids and household for a boyfriend. That’s the real issue. All the talk about what’s normal or not, what’s decent and kind is really fluff. BF isn’t kind - apparently OP is.

OP - you need someone who can support themselves, their kids, and whatever financial commitments they’ve made on their own. You can’t be seriously talking about living together and forming a new household with someone who can’t manage their own finances now - and will only get worse with college expenses looming. You’re going to have a kept man and regret it. You don’t need someone who can bankroll you but with your own kids to worry about, you need at minimum an equal partner who won’t drain you financially and impact your kids’ quality of life - especially if marriage isn’t even on your radar.

I wouldn’t continue this relationship.

I'm one whose advocated for your BF to continue his obligations to ex-wife and kids. This PP speaks the truth. I wouldn't advise my own daughter to get involved with a man who borrows money from her. Don't try to fix this problem by convincing your boyfriend to cut off his ex-wife and kids; it will only result in heartbreak for all. The real problem is that your BF isn't the right person for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. BF has asked for money for substantial expenses. I have turned him down but loaned in other cases.The money is not for vacations.

That is a big red flag. I wouldn't be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years is still supporting his ex- wife. The support is not court ordered. He pays child support and supplements the mortgage on the home they had together. He often pays for outside activities. The child support will end soon.

I make significantly more than him and hr has asked for money in the past. I didn't mind sharing to an extent but when I found out that he is still supporting her, I was shocked. She will not get a better job. I am afraid that he will continue to justify doing this when the kids are in college. If we get married, I am also afraid he will use our combined income to live.

That's a lot of nerve then to ask you for money. His ex needs to pay her own mortgage or sell the home. She can get a 2nd job, but this is something you should tell him is not negotiable.

I think you approach it nicely first, asking him when he plans to end the financial contributions. Not an ultimatum.

Once he provides his answer, OP can decide whether to give ultimatum, whether to break up, etc.

Yes I mean't nicely, but letting him know it will be a deal breaker if he continues.

[Anonymous]

My only real issue would be with him still paying on the mortgage. Everything else named by OP is simply him being a good dad and something I would accept as “coming with the territory” if I chose to date a divorced man with kids.

I sort of can understand the mortgage thing now if they don’t want to uproot their kids while the kids are still in school. But I would be upset with this fact if he continues to do it after the kids have graduated and their school district isn’t an issue anymore. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee he’ll stop subsidizing it when that happens and that’s just a chance you have to take.