Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np.

Why are you all sure she will get half of his assets? She said she didn't earn any of it and only started working very recently. It's not her money. Even she admits that.

She'll probably get something - maybe a share of their main residence, assuming it is sold. People don't really do alimony anymore and she has a job anyway.

People are talking about getting half of his 401k but I don't think she will get any of it. Judges don't do that anymore. It's her own fault if she has no retirement savings in her own name.

+ 1

Everyone in this thread is so focused on the money. It's not her money! She's not entitled to any of it.

It's interesting that all anyone cares about is the $$$ and not that she's planning to just suddenly walk out one day and leave behind all her possessions and a completely clueless husband.

Well, that's what OP asked about, whether she would regret refusing the money. She didn't ask whether she should leave her husband (although some people have commented that she shouldn't, at least not without telling her husband that she's unhappy), she asked whether she should turn down the money.

[Anonymous]

If my mom walked out of the house and left my dad the minute I went to college, I wouldn’t feel the need to have a future relationship with her. You are burning multiple bridges here...proceed with caution (and therapy).

[Anonymous]

If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np.

Why are you all sure she will get half of his assets? She said she didn't earn any of it and only started working very recently. It's not her money. Even she admits that.

She'll probably get something - maybe a share of their main residence, assuming it is sold. People don't really do alimony anymore and she has a job anyway.

People are talking about getting half of his 401k but I don't think she will get any of it. Judges don't do that anymore. It's her own fault if she has no retirement savings in her own name.

Because most of the time assets acquired during the marriage are considered marital assets and divided between the couple. She is unlikely to get alimony, but she will get a share of the assets.

Not always. Not in the case where one person earned none of it. And unless you live in a stat that requires 50/50 split, judges will reward unequal divisions. Like maybe OP would get 10-20% tops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.

[Anonymous]

He's been treating you like a child but now you're acting like one.

If you're divorcing, take the $ and invest it for retirement and emergencies. You are 48. You can't make up the retirement savings you don't have. (Believe me. I'm 47 and broke.) You could wind up dependent on your children in your 60's if something happened and you could t work. Don't be a petulant baby trying to prove something to your ex and make an unwise choice. You'll just look like the irresponsible fool that it sounds like he sees you as.

Therapy. Stat.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Any decent lawyer would consider that agreement unconscionable OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.

OP here. Of course I will talk to them. However, they are (or will be) 18-24. They are off living their own lives, as they should be. They won't care and to the extent that they do, I think they will understand. Nothing about their own lives will change except that their mom and dad will no longer be living together. But since they don't live with us anymore anyway I don't see why they would care that much. It's not like they're 8-12.

And since people have asked, their father will continue to give them money. He wouldn't use them against me like that. He has goals for them (like paying for their educations) that have nothing to do with me. Believe it or not but it's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any decent lawyer would consider that agreement unconscionable OP.

what agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

He can "fight" all he wants. Community property, baby. 50/50.

Please protect your assets so they are available to care for you if you become sick or disabled. Not fair to put that on your kids.

Also, if he remarries and the new gold digger spouse gets everything and your kids nothing, that would suck.

[Anonymous]

If you think divorce (especially when you just walk out of the blue) isn’t difficult for 18 year olds, than you are naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

You're prepared to kill yourself, literally (sick people with no money die, OP), just so he can't make comments, and just so people don't gossip about you?

Your head is not screwed on the right way. You refuse to do the hard job, which is to EARN RESPECT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

You're prepared to kill yourself, literally (sick people with no money die, OP), just so he can't make comments, and just so people don't gossip about you?

Your head is not screwed on the right way. You refuse to do the hard job, which is to EARN RESPECT.

I feel that not taking anything with me would be the biggest F*CK YOU I could ever give him. But you'd have to know us to understand. He has this image of me in his head that is not accurate - that I am a silly shallow spendthrift who is obsessed with having the "right" expensive furniture and clothing and jewelry and CC membership, etc. etc. And yet if you asked him, he would tell you we have a 9/10 or 10/10 marriage. I know this because I have asked him before. He thinks everything is great even though he has such a low opinion of me. It's just part of his patriarchal view of life. He makes dumb jokes about "wife math" and "divorce being too expensive" and honestly thinks they are funny when they're obviously offensive and insulting. But it's not even really about the money per se, it's about control. I had to push very hard to get the job that I have now. He kept saying he didn't understand why I'd want to work when we obviously don't need the money. Because I am planning to leave you, you ignorant ass.

Leaving everything behind, including the money, without a backwards glance would make him rethink every single thing about our marriage.

The truth is I don't feel a strong connection to any of that stuff. It's just stuff and I don't even want it anymore. I can't remember why I ever wanted it in the first place anymore.

[Anonymous]

Then leave the stuff, but do get what you are owed in split marital assets, like him buying you out of the mortgage etc.
I left a long term relationship after 6 years. He too, thought I couldn't make it on my own. Don't bite off your nose to spite your face. Trust me. I walked away with nothing that I hadn't purchased on my own before we got together and forfeited over $10,000 in our joint account (half). It felt good at the time, but in the long run I let my emotions drive my decisions. I should have taken half of that money.
Leave the things but don't be stupid.