My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like me. I'm not stupid I just have severe inattentive ADHD. I felt like the world's worst mother because I had to have a schedule and alarm to remember to feed my kids. That I couldn't remember info from the doctor's office. People still mock me for my daily schedules. It as such a relief for me when I was diagnosed. I do medication and thera[y and it helps a lot. If your husband is willing to ask his doctor about this and be treated for and if your willing to let go of the pretreatment resentment it can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs a simple simple life and you deserve a better life.


Read those adhd marriage books and have him read them. Then decide to tackle this together or go separate ways.

OP here. I am still convinced this is more laziness and stupidity than ADHD. Regardless, I can’t die on the cross for him and I will not do more than I am already doing. I am going to stay until DD is old enough for me not to know I am being irresponsible to leave her alone with him.

So, what's your question, then? You haven't responded to suggestions of hiring help and a nanny. With all the name calling and vitriol aimed at him and other posters, you sound like you have a personality disorder. You both need help. Feel
sorry for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why everyone here is assuming a careless and uninterested husband will either seek or get 50% custody. The sad truth is, statistically, that most divorcing fathers don't even TRY to get 50% custody. Most are all too happy to let moms do all the work, and just be weekend dad (at best!), taking the kids off for some fun for a few hours every so often.

And though OP's husband may be an idiot (or just a guy with really severe and untreated ADHD), most judges are not idiots. A woman who goes into divorce proceedings and offers evidence showing that the father is not willing or able to properly care for the children stands an excellent chance of getting full physical custody of the children, with Idiot Dad just getting visits.

I don't know whether OP's account of her husband's negligence with the kids is fair or unfair. But OP, if you truly believe your husband is incapable of caring properly for your kids, start collecting evidence of that: keep a record of messed up stuff he does, with dates and details. ("Sunday, April 8: forgot to feed kids for hours." Whatever. And go see a good divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married him for a reason...probably precisely because you are aggressive and didn't want to be challenged.

If you can't rely on him, then outsource whatever you can.

Haven't read the rest of the responses...but this is dead on! Often the very reasons you are attracted to someone is the very thing that annoys you the MOST in certain circumstances.
Love that DH is nonconfrontational and easygoing. It has always worked out nicely Bc I am opinionated and quicker to anger. His mild manner calms me and centers me. Hate that he's like that with everyone, including his parents--where I'd often appreciate him stepping up to set boundaries. I have accepted that this "weakness" is also the very strength that I valued when choosing to be with him.

[Anonymous]

Lots of men are helpless to some extent. It's not your job to fix him. That would be codependent. How old is your child? You can't work overtime in a job and also do all the labor in the house, or you will be angry and burnt out (which it sounds like you are). Do you really need to work that much? Just act like you are a single mother within the marriage. He seems stretched beyond what he can handle which makes him seem useless. His plate is full. Don't add to his plate. Involving him and expecting help from him is more frustrating than just doing everything yourself or hiring someone to help you. It will get easier when your kid gets more self sufficient. He has to come to the realization that he has to do something for himself to be more functional.

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD, and I've never had these problems. I taught myself to use it to my benefit and to not think of it as a crutch. There are plenty of ways to get your life under control and to live easily with ADHD. Your husband, OP, needs to stop checking out of life. My 12 yr old who has ADHD manages much, much better than what you're describing, and he's unmedicated. I just taught him the same techniques that I taught myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD, and I've never had these problems. I taught myself to use it to my benefit and to not think of it as a crutch. There are plenty of ways to get your life under control and to live easily with ADHD. Your husband, OP, needs to stop checking out of life. My 12 yr old who has ADHD manages much, much better than what you're describing, and he's unmedicated. I just taught him the same techniques that I taught myself.

There are varying degrees of ADHD. The majority of people with inattentive type ADHD function well at 12 years old. It becomes an issue when they older, but they are often slow to admit it because they think they have it under control with their techniques. Meanwhile, they are annoying everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD, and I've never had these problems. I taught myself to use it to my benefit and to not think of it as a crutch. There are plenty of ways to get your life under control and to live easily with ADHD. Your husband, OP, needs to stop checking out of life. My 12 yr old who has ADHD manages much, much better than what you're describing, and he's unmedicated. I just taught him the same techniques that I taught myself.

I'm basing this entirely on your response, but I doubt you function as well as you think you do.

[Anonymous]

Is dementia a possibility?

[Anonymous]

Well at least you realize it

[Anonymous]

Asberger's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs a simple simple life and you deserve a better life.


Read those adhd marriage books and have him read them. Then decide to tackle this together or go separate ways.

OP here. I am still convinced this is more laziness and stupidity than ADHD. Regardless, I can’t die on the cross for him and I will not do more than I am already doing. I am going to stay until DD is old enough for me not to know I am being irresponsible to leave her alone with him.

That you even wrote this sentence should be enough in your mind to divorce him. He's unfit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestions in this thread are killing what little hope I have. They all boil down to re-raising this man-child and sending him to therapy/treatment while I continue to slave, in the hopes he may be remotely useful one day. And that is even assuming I can convince him he needs help. All of this is a huge ask and not feasible in our current lives.

I know the “right” thing to say here is that I am going to spend what little free time I have helping him get better, but I can’t do this. I cannot parent this helpless adult. I have carried him for almost a decade now and am out of patience and love. I am angry and tired and wish I had never met him. It is simply not fair to ask women (who would ask this of a man?) to take on so much.

I have about 5 years to go until DD is old enough to take care of herself in a shared custody scenario. In the meantime, I am ready to give up on him and cheat to get by.

You could try that, but your variety of crazy isn’t the kind men tend to find sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asberger's

Yes, OP may have it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been in your shoes. My DH has inattentive ADHD that has been severely affecting his life for his entire 55 years on this planet.

I went through a time when DD was younger when I was angry and considered leaving.

Does he have ANY good qualities?

Is he good in bed?
Funny?
Kind?
A fun dad?
Compassionate?

If you can say yes (or remember a time when the answer was yes) then maybe this is worth saving. But you will have to find a way to let go of the daily anger.

Get a house cleaner
Order groceries online - he can pick them up
Leave lists for errands - doc appointment - stores. Maybe one day you will be able to throw a little heart or I love you on there
Help him with his calendar. I have to remind him to eat and feed the kid (though now at 10 she can handle that)

I also got some Zoloft which helps my anger.


If what I laid out above makes you angry/eyeroll/or seems ridiculous then maybe you should leave him.

I truly wanted it to work and now it does for us.