Reply to s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine.  What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling.  I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing.  Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today.  With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too.  Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me.  Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again.  So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks.  That's good enough for us. [/quote]

If that really does work for both of you, awesome!  I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.[/quote]

Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.[/quote]

Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.[/quote]

Of course sex is important. However, is it important enough for you to leave because you do not have it frequently (pp mentioned once every two to three weeks so it is not like they have no sex at all). That sounds regular even though not to your liking.

There are many things that happened with frequency at the beginning of marriage that can no longer happen for several reasons. [/quote]

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