Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

No, mine was never lost. I dumped men who were bad in bed. I declined a marriage offers because of bad sex. Intimacy and sex were taught to be important by both parents, so it is not something I compromise on. I see the other end of the conversation that you are not hearing from women. For many, not all, its all a part of the game of marriage.

So have you ever been in a relationship for 10+ yrs, lived together, commingled finances, have children and ran a household? No. Then you don’t know what you are talking about. Sex in a dating relationship isn’t the same as married sex. My DH and I had sex 5-6 times a day for the first three yrs we were together. I am not a low libido woman but after 30 yrs, marriage and children out sex life has become nonexistent. We are staying married because we love each other and are best friends still.

Your insights are not applicable

Yes, to all of them and I still have a need for sex.

The problem is you and him. After 30 years, your kids are grown, or near grown, your fiances should be stable and household chore division is a thing of the past. What is your excuse? If you need to spice things up, full swing, then solve the problem if you want to. Either you are a low libido woman, or both are. Own it. There's nothing wrong with being low libido or choosing to decide together to not have sex in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

You threatened her. She thought about the lifestyle, kids, who knows. Now she is simply preforming like a trained seal hoping you have a early demise because it's often better to be a widow than a divorcee. I mean really who tells their partner they'd better do this OR ELSE. That only invites deep resentments and hostility.

I did not tell her to "do" anything. I gave her options. She choose to stay married to me, and that means a normal sex life. She could have freely decided otherwise.

Nope you threatened her. She only has sex with you because she "has" too.

So I should have divorced her? That's better for her... how?

DP. Maybe you should have worked on your own technique, hygiene, or sources of resentment she might have had against you. Or you could have realized that sex is not the only reason to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

I sense your wife really doesn't care what you do or who with going by all your posts.

I feel a need to advise other men with low-libido wives of how to save their marriage.

And you’re coming at it with your view that sex is ALL that matters in a marriage. If he’s not getting sex, then everything else—kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other like nobody else knows you—can and should go out the window!

Why not take matters into your own hands, for that matter?

I have a hunch you’ve never been married.

Actually the exact opposite! A wife who "goes of sex" has clearly established that sex is completely NOT important to the marriage at all. So, rather than throw away all those other things you mentioned (kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other) it makes alot more sense that the man goes and does that "unimportant thing" (sex) with another woman. In this way, the marriage can be saved. There is no other answer that keeps the marriage together. Opening the marriage is a last gasp effort to save it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those women with a higher libido than my spouse. I am also in my 50s. We still have sex at least once a week or I get cranky.

One of the things that I think doesn’t get mentioned on here a lot is the effect of fluctuating hormones one women’s desire, and the lack of scientific research into it. Men get viagra. Women get raked over the coals for not being able to produce desire and performance without drugs. It’s a double standard. I

Viagra does NOT make an uninterested man want sex. It allows an interested man to achieve an erection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am one of those women with a higher libido than my spouse. I am also in my 50s. We still have sex at least once a week or I get cranky.

One of the things that I think doesn’t get mentioned on here a lot is the effect of fluctuating hormones one women’s desire, and the lack of scientific research into it. Men get viagra. Women get raked over the coals for not being able to produce desire and performance without drugs. It’s a double standard. I

Viagra does NOT make an uninterested man want sex. It allows an interested man to achieve an erection.

But an uninterested woman won’t produce enough vaginal secretions to make her comfortable during sex.

[Anonymous]

And we still consider men’s sexual performance and satisfaction more important...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Relationships can be tough and by all the posts on DCUM alone, this is not a simple issue to resolve. I think it can be hard for a woman to maintain sexual attraction for a guy over the long term. There are tons of issues that exacerbate this including her own body image, how stressed/busy she is, resentment towards you, how much sleep she gets, how tired , what meds she might be on, etc.

One thing that I don’t see mentioned out here is bluntly this: If you want sex you need to be someone a woman would want to f*ck. I’m certainly not saying you aren’t but on the spectrum of “Fat middle aged guy” to “Romance Novel cover model” you should strive to be closer to the latter.

In being someone a woman would want sex with I would suggest the following if you’re not doing it already:

Hire a trainer/nutrionist and build a strong healthy body(add muscle and lean out). Your wife will be more attracted to you and you’ll be more confident.

Address any hygene issues and learn how to dress.

Fix any performance issues in the bedroom. If you have PE or ED go see a urologist - they deal with this stuff all the time.

If your wife never O’s or has to fake it when you are together - fix that too. There are tutorial videos online on how to be great at oral. You could also introduce toys to make sure she gets across the finish line every time.

- Address any issues that may be causing resentment such as household work split, financial problems or parenting, etc.

If this doesn’t make sex more frequent you’ll have a huge headstart on your next relationship.

OP - There's always room for improvement, but honestly none of this seems like the root of our problem. I'm 6 feet, 165#, about 16% body fat, can run a half-marathon in under two hours. I've got a functional, above average sized penis. I do my level best to get her to the finish line every time (a long massage followed by oral seems to be the most reliable). I'm a white collar professional, shower, shave, and dress in a suit and tie every day. We have a cleaning lady, the finances are solid, the kids & I love spending time together.

I say this not to pretend I'm perfect. If she was complaining about something, I'd address it. But the obvious stuff seems to be in place, and so I figure I can trust her when she says it's her, not me. She has cited her own body-image issues. I doubt the body-image helps, but I also suspect that even if she got to whatever her goal weight is, she'd probably still not have a great interest in sex.

OP, very few responses have been about you specifically. Just people rambling about their experiences and various generalities about gender.

In your specific case, I doubt there is much you can do to get things to change. You seem supportive of your wife. Just the fact that she has shared this with you and is willing to go to therapy shows that she wants things to improve, which I hope you can take some comfort in.

Things may improve with time but that most likely will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

DP. I have been married more than 20 years. To the same man. With three children who are all now teenagers. I am more middle-aged and halfway through menopause. I still love having sex with my DH. It’s not just single women who still have active sex lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Relationships can be tough and by all the posts on DCUM alone, this is not a simple issue to resolve. I think it can be hard for a woman to maintain sexual attraction for a guy over the long term. There are tons of issues that exacerbate this including her own body image, how stressed/busy she is, resentment towards you, how much sleep she gets, how tired , what meds she might be on, etc.

One thing that I don’t see mentioned out here is bluntly this: If you want sex you need to be someone a woman would want to f*ck. I’m certainly not saying you aren’t but on the spectrum of “Fat middle aged guy” to “Romance Novel cover model” you should strive to be closer to the latter.

In being someone a woman would want sex with I would suggest the following if you’re not doing it already:

Hire a trainer/nutrionist and build a strong healthy body(add muscle and lean out). Your wife will be more attracted to you and you’ll be more confident.

Address any hygene issues and learn how to dress.

Fix any performance issues in the bedroom. If you have PE or ED go see a urologist - they deal with this stuff all the time.

If your wife never O’s or has to fake it when you are together - fix that too. There are tutorial videos online on how to be great at oral. You could also introduce toys to make sure she gets across the finish line every time.

- Address any issues that may be causing resentment such as household work split, financial problems or parenting, etc.

If this doesn’t make sex more frequent you’ll have a huge headstart on your next relationship.

OP - There's always room for improvement, but honestly none of this seems like the root of our problem. I'm 6 feet, 165#, about 16% body fat, can run a half-marathon in under two hours. I've got a functional, above average sized penis. I do my level best to get her to the finish line every time (a long massage followed by oral seems to be the most reliable). I'm a white collar professional, shower, shave, and dress in a suit and tie every day. We have a cleaning lady, the finances are solid, the kids & I love spending time together.

I say this not to pretend I'm perfect. If she was complaining about something, I'd address it. But the obvious stuff seems to be in place, and so I figure I can trust her when she says it's her, not me. She has cited her own body-image issues. I doubt the body-image helps, but I also suspect that even if she got to whatever her goal weight is, she'd probably still not have a great interest in sex.

Hi, husband in similar situation. So looking through your posts I think your kind of screwed. At least with most guys on here (including me) there is at least something they can do to try to get their wife "interested". Work out, get a better job etc. If you are as you describe I don't see a lot of areas for improvement. The only thing I can say is that at this point is that this isn't going to change. Either you can accept that fact and or you can do one of the three things you don't want to: Cheat, open marriage or divorce. All of those options suck but that's what you've got to work with. The good news is that if you are as described you should have little trouble getting another woman if that is what you decide on doing.......

For all the people who respond to these posts with the "its just sex" you should get over it etc, I read a quote once that really summed it up for me. "Sex is 5% of a marriage when its happening and 95% of a marriage when its not." Totally true. Sorry man, best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

My situation is a little different from yours, but similar in other ways. I am 33 (DH 46) we have 2 young children (2 and 4) and I would be ok having sex once a week or less. My DH however wants it everyday so we do it 3 times a week. I am tired at the end of the day, but I make an effort because I know it’s important to DH. While I would be ok not doing it, I do enjoy it while we are at it so it’s not the worst thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is something I don’t understand from your post. Does your wife not have the passion to start having sex or does she not enjoy it?

My situation is a little different from yours, but similar in other ways. I am 33 (DH 46) we have 2 young children (2 and 4) and I would be ok having sex once a week or less. My DH however wants it everyday so we do it 3 times a week. I am tired at the end of the day, but I make an effort because I know it’s important to DH. While I would be ok not doing it, I do enjoy it while we are at it so it’s not the worst thing.

Also, I do find myself more attractive to DH when I am proud about something he did (at work, with the kids, sports, etc.) so I do think it’s not so much my sex drive as it is that the novelty of him is gone (married 6 years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

+2 you sound like an idiot PP. The pertinent issue here is sex WITHIN a long term marriage, not your single life - totally irrelevant. You have no idea what you're talking about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

According to OP, his wife has said that there is nothing wrong with him and the problem is on her end. Why don't you believe her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women may feel more affectionate if not every kiss, or cuddle or back rub or touch is then pressured into sex. Sometimes it is nice just to make out, but men push and push so it is easier just to be like, nope. Nothing then rather get into a drawn out fight or being pressured/guilted into something she didn't want to do.

Women often are responsible for the mental energy in a family (making grocery list, scheduling appointments, remembering school functions) and then have the majority of the physical tasks to copmlete (laundry, cooking, carpool etc). Throw in a 40 hour a week job and she is spent come bedtime.

Men, either pick up the slack and take charge of cooking 3 nights a week, make out a grocery list, pick up the kids from school 4 nights a week. THEN maybe she will want to use some of that energy on you.

Nope, these have nothing to do with it. The amount of work the husband does or does not do has nothing to do with it. You think that a wife is having sex with her husband becuase he does the dishes so now she has extra time so she's laying in bed waiting to get down? Nope. Maybe if the husband is a total ass and does nothing at all this might play in, but I garuantee you that 99% of the marriages where there is little to no sex (either because of the wife or the husband) the partner not getting sex is doing all of these things + whatever else they can dream up. This is a waste of your time, trust me, been there done that. Exact same result.