Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

[Anonymous]

Very sad how women do this to men

I tell my wife that I want to have sex multiple times a week for as many years as we can

[Anonymous]

This is sad.

[Anonymous]

It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

[Anonymous]

That’s rough, OP. I’m sorry.

I think you need to have a “come to Jesus” talk with her about your feelings about this. Not in a sex-right-now ultimatum way, but in a way that communicates how important a healthy sexual relationship is to the success of your marriage. Let her know that you love her and that you’re willing to do what it takes to make sex an enjoyable experience for her...but that you’re not willing to give up sex for the rest of your life. Then back off for a bit to let her process that. Hopefully she’ll come around. If not, you’ll need to decide if you truly want to remain in the marriage or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

Children who are in their early teens aren't all that young or draining. (Some can be, but not really in the same way as toddlers and infants.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

WOW ive actually never seen this put so succinctly before but YES. Yes yes yes THAT is it

[Anonymous]

I feel for you zoo, and I agree that the little kid years are wildly different than I imagine the teen years will be (...I mean, she even admitted that the book was about when you have little kids!). I fully admit I'm not someone who can speak with authority and I haven't been there yet (I'm in my early thirties and currently pregnant with my second), but I honestly wonder: is it that people who feel like this don't want to have sex with their HUSBANDS, or do they seriously feel zero sexual desire at all? Do they masturbate? I swear half the time I hear sex in your forties gets insane (in a good way) and half I hear about people who would be fine with never having sex again

[Anonymous]

*OP not zoo

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of the meds middle aged women take destroy their sex drive. Proton pump inhibitors (Nexium and the like) that create mineral deficiencies of things like zinc and magnesium - which are critical for sexual health, SSRIs, birth control pills to regulate crazy perimenopause cycles...the list goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

You were so anxious to spout off you didn’t even read the post. OP doesn’t have young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

WOW ive actually never seen this put so succinctly before but YES. Yes yes yes THAT is it

It has been said many times but it is stupid.

"Women need an emotional connection to desire sex." -- uh huh. That is why, as a man, you could not go to a bar this weekend and find a woman willing to have sex with you without even knowing your name, let alone having an "emotional connection" with you.

The fact of the matter is, these wives DO have an emotional connection with their husbands. How could they not? They've known the guy for years, live with him, and had his kids.

The problem with these women is not a lack of emotional connection, but the fact that THEY ARE BORED. This is natural enough. In many cases, their husbands are fat, boring, and lazy, so it is no surprise their wives are bored. Assuming this is not the case, the OP has three choices -- divorce, cheat on her, or put up with decades of dead bedroom. You will soon notice, however, that "talking to her" about it (or even worse, going to some stupid, expensive therapist) is not going to reignite her passion, so don't waste your time with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I honestly wonder: is it that people who feel like this don't want to have sex with their HUSBANDS, or do they seriously feel zero sexual desire at all?

99% of the time it is lack of desire for their husbands. They have plenty of desire for their affair partner or for a new boyfriend after a divorce.

[Anonymous]

If you speak with a gynecologist, you’ll find that this attitude about “ok never having sex again” is the norm for middle aged women who are married with children. This is how we are made by nature. It is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

Children who are in their early teens aren't all that young or draining. (Some can be, but not really in the same way as toddlers and infants.)

True, but if the connection was lost when they were young it takes work to get it back.