Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

You say this but we all have known men who maintain commitment-free sexual relationships for months, even years. So clearly, having sex with men does not always trigger an emotional connection with them.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Relationships can be tough and by all the posts on DCUM alone, this is not a simple issue to resolve. I think it can be hard for a woman to maintain sexual attraction for a guy over the long term. There are tons of issues that exacerbate this including her own body image, how stressed/busy she is, resentment towards you, how much sleep she gets, how tired , what meds she might be on, etc.

One thing that I don’t see mentioned out here is bluntly this: If you want sex you need to be someone a woman would want to f*ck. I’m certainly not saying you aren’t but on the spectrum of “Fat middle aged guy” to “Romance Novel cover model” you should strive to be closer to the latter.

In being someone a woman would want sex with I would suggest the following if you’re not doing it already:

Hire a trainer/nutrionist and build a strong healthy body(add muscle and lean out). Your wife will be more attracted to you and you’ll be more confident.

Address any hygene issues and learn how to dress.

Fix any performance issues in the bedroom. If you have PE or ED go see a urologist - they deal with this stuff all the time.

If your wife never O’s or has to fake it when you are together - fix that too. There are tutorial videos online on how to be great at oral. You could also introduce toys to make sure she gets across the finish line every time.

- Address any issues that may be causing resentment such as household work split, financial problems or parenting, etc.

If this doesn’t make sex more frequent you’ll have a huge headstart on your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

Not always true. In our relationship, it's the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

You are single and no different from divorced women who find their sex drive after a divorce. Not the same as people who have been married for 20+ yrs with children. Get off your high horse. You have no idea what you are talking about.

No, mine was never lost. I dumped men who were bad in bed. I declined a marriage offers because of bad sex. Intimacy and sex were taught to be important by both parents, so it is not something I compromise on. I see the other end of the conversation that you are not hearing from women. For many, not all, its all a part of the game of marriage.

So have you ever been in a relationship for 10+ yrs, lived together, commingled finances, have children and ran a household? No. Then you don’t know what you are talking about. Sex in a dating relationship isn’t the same as married sex. My DH and I had sex 5-6 times a day for the first three yrs we were together. I am not a low libido woman but after 30 yrs, marriage and children out sex life has become nonexistent. We are staying married because we love each other and are best friends still.

Your insights are not applicable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

You threatened her. She thought about the lifestyle, kids, who knows. Now she is simply preforming like a trained seal hoping you have a early demise because it's often better to be a widow than a divorcee. I mean really who tells their partner they'd better do this OR ELSE. That only invites deep resentments and hostility.

I did not tell her to "do" anything. I gave her options. She choose to stay married to me, and that means a normal sex life. She could have freely decided otherwise.

Nope you threatened her. She only has sex with you because she "has" too.

So I should have divorced her? That's better for her... how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my husband too. Not for any of the multiple reasons stated above. He's free to pursue any booty he wants AFTER I get my half of his s and file for divorce.

He's still here, clean and obedient.

Suuuuure he is!
Don't worry, DADT, his girlfriend is younger/thinner/hotter than you anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

You threatened her. She thought about the lifestyle, kids, who knows. Now she is simply preforming like a trained seal hoping you have a early demise because it's often better to be a widow than a divorcee. I mean really who tells their partner they'd better do this OR ELSE. That only invites deep resentments and hostility.

I did not tell her to "do" anything. I gave her options. She choose to stay married to me, and that means a normal sex life. She could have freely decided otherwise.

Nope you threatened her. She only has sex with you because she "has" too.

So I should have divorced her? That's better for her... how?

Woman who said you threatened her is an idiot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been said many times on here. Men need sex to feel an emotional connection. Women need an emotional connection to desire sex.

When you have young children, you are drained at the end of the day. There is nothing left to feel an emotional connection with. You just want to go to bed and get some sleep before doing it again the next day.

DH and DW need a heart to heart. If indeed the children's needs have drained the libido, then DH has to find a way to help. Hire a part time nanny. Hire a cleaning service. Do whatever necessary to give her more time and reduce the stress,

I have experienced exactly as you described. What I wanted was not necessarily sex, but for her to want me sexually. Yes, if I whine and complain, she will acquiesce, but with all the excitement of cleaning another food mess.

Nine months without any sexual activity, so I understand too well.

And SHE needs to cut back on all the non-essential stuff she's doing, to conserve her energy, and invest that into her marriage. Why did you go 9 months without? That's not normal or healthy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

I sense your wife really doesn't care what you do or who with going by all your posts.

I feel a need to advise other men with low-libido wives of how to save their marriage.

And you’re coming at it with your view that sex is ALL that matters in a marriage. If he’s not getting sex, then everything else—kids, shared interests, years of shared history, knowing each other like nobody else knows you—can and should go out the window!

Why not take matters into your own hands, for that matter?

I have a hunch you’ve never been married.

[Anonymous]

I seriously don't understand some women. Sex is amazing and you get to have it as much as you want with your husband. Why cut them off?

On a low month, DH and I are guaranteed to have sex 2x/week. On a high month, 5-6x/week with a couple of 2x/day'ers thrown in there.

Did I mention we have 4 kids? He requires sex and its so good that I can't ever say no.

OP, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Kinda sad to read. I'm a female in my 30s and very happily married. Except DH isn't interested in sex at all. Maybe by my 50s I hopefully won't want it either. I'm pregnant and am not a bad looking pregnant woman, but DH isn't interested at all in me and it's gotten worse once I got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women use low libido as an excuse.

Every woman I've known who said this ended up having an affair. All along, the problem wasn't low libido; it was lack of sexual attraction to their spouse....

No, nope, wrong.

[Anonymous]

I am one of those women with a higher libido than my spouse. I am also in my 50s. We still have sex at least once a week or I get cranky.

One of the things that I think doesn’t get mentioned on here a lot is the effect of fluctuating hormones one women’s desire, and the lack of scientific research into it. Men get viagra. Women get raked over the coals for not being able to produce desire and performance without drugs. It’s a double standard. I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. Relationships can be tough and by all the posts on DCUM alone, this is not a simple issue to resolve. I think it can be hard for a woman to maintain sexual attraction for a guy over the long term. There are tons of issues that exacerbate this including her own body image, how stressed/busy she is, resentment towards you, how much sleep she gets, how tired , what meds she might be on, etc.

One thing that I don’t see mentioned out here is bluntly this: If you want sex you need to be someone a woman would want to f*ck. I’m certainly not saying you aren’t but on the spectrum of “Fat middle aged guy” to “Romance Novel cover model” you should strive to be closer to the latter.

In being someone a woman would want sex with I would suggest the following if you’re not doing it already:

Hire a trainer/nutrionist and build a strong healthy body(add muscle and lean out). Your wife will be more attracted to you and you’ll be more confident.

Address any hygene issues and learn how to dress.

Fix any performance issues in the bedroom. If you have PE or ED go see a urologist - they deal with this stuff all the time.

If your wife never O’s or has to fake it when you are together - fix that too. There are tutorial videos online on how to be great at oral. You could also introduce toys to make sure she gets across the finish line every time.

- Address any issues that may be causing resentment such as household work split, financial problems or parenting, etc.

If this doesn’t make sex more frequent you’ll have a huge headstart on your next relationship.

OP - There's always room for improvement, but honestly none of this seems like the root of our problem. I'm 6 feet, 165#, about 16% body fat, can run a half-marathon in under two hours. I've got a functional, above average sized penis. I do my level best to get her to the finish line every time (a long massage followed by oral seems to be the most reliable). I'm a white collar professional, shower, shave, and dress in a suit and tie every day. We have a cleaning lady, the finances are solid, the kids & I love spending time together.

I say this not to pretend I'm perfect. If she was complaining about something, I'd address it. But the obvious stuff seems to be in place, and so I figure I can trust her when she says it's her, not me. She has cited her own body-image issues. I doubt the body-image helps, but I also suspect that even if she got to whatever her goal weight is, she'd probably still not have a great interest in sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try this: go one YouTube and study some clips on how to give a relaxing massage. Then one weekend, see if you can unload the kids for a night. Take your wife to her favorite restaurant or make her favorite meal. Ask her questions about things in her life or her interests and listen to her responses. Suggest a movie in bed or maybe a favorite tv show. When the show is done, say something like: hey, it's been a long week. Why don't I give you a back rub? Then take the coconut oil you bought earlier in the week, out of the hot water you have been warming it with and apply a little to her bare back. If she gets nervous, show her it's just coconut oil and it's good for her skin. Take your time and get her entire back, shoulders and arms. Pay attention to her body as it will tell you when to rub harder or when it's too hard. You can start by just pushing her shirt up on her back but eventually, ask she relaxes and is more comfortable and as you want to get to her shoulders, the shirt should come off. As you wrap things up on her back, make sure to finish in the lower back area and start working the upper buttocks (stay clear of the crack). Slowly, gently work off her bottoms and massage her ass checks but, again, stay clear of anything that could be perceived as sexual. Got all the way down to her feet, applying the oil as needed. Also, make sure the room is warm enough that she will be comfortable, not cold, naked. When you work her thighs, don't attempt to graze, touch or even tease her pussy. After you have really worked the feet, ask her to turn over and work your way up, again, avoiding the pussy. Massaging the boobs is ok, just don't give any special attention to the nipple. You can also YouTube boob massages to learn the difference between a sexual massage and a relaxing massage. Make sure you get all the way to the fingers and hands. When you finish, pull the sheet up over her, get back in bed and ask her to rest her head on your chest. Then give her a facial massage (no oil here, use a towel to wipe any excess from your hands prior to starting. When you finish, ask if that was ok and then ask if there is anything else she wants to watch.

At this point, she will be amazed that you have spent that much time touching her without pushing for sex. She may think "he finally gets me". She may get turned on and jump your ones. But most likely, she'll be skeptical. It's important for a woman to know you can touch her and she can touch you and it doesn't have to lead to sex or a fight about sex.

If she brings up sex at the end, just answer, you know I love to have sex/make love with you but don't feel obligated. I know you had a long week and I just wanted you to feel good.

For many women who have lost their way, something like this can renew a spark, make them look at you differently. Where the majority of what she normally sees after 15-20 years together is the things that annoy her, now she sees the reason she fell in love, the reason she married you. It make take another session for her to believe it wasn't just a ploy to get in her pants (of course it was) but it will be worth the investment if you can jumpstart her libido.

Remember this doesn't mean the the next night you are sitting in bed naked with your arms folded behind your head and porn on the tv, screaming "my turn tonight" the minute she emerges from the bathroom.

Pretty much a load for most. Like another poster wrote, "stop trying to make fetch happen". For women who "lost their way" sounds like you really have no clue and are making excuses. If you're not interested nor attracted it's not fun no matter what tricks you use. Those women are thinking at the end, "thank God that's over. I'm good for a month now". lol

+1. This might work for some women, but by and large, the women who just want to be left alone or to go to sleep aren't going to love this lengthy procedure.

No kidding. A major turn off.

Take the wife on a nice 7 day cruise. See if anything develops, BUT DON'T PRESSURE. Why don't people learn to use better psychology. When you pressure or threatened it has the opposite effect. You also lose trust.

I don't know...I think there is something to it...
A lot of women want intimacy with their husbands without the pressure to have sex. Many times it's just awkward having sex with someone you no longer do it with regularly. Doing some of these steps outlined above might help some couples feel more comfortable or desired ....

Agree, if he does it right, i.e. with no pressure. Pick a Friday or Saturday night when she doesn’t have to get up at 6am the next morning.

- a woman