Wife would be ok never having sex again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

I think this is a fundamental difference between men and women thing. You can't imagine sex being enjoyable if it doesn't end in orgasm, most men can't. But I for one, and I don't think I'm the only one, can enjoy sex even if it doesn't end that way. Some nights it is easier than others to get there but if I feel like I HAVE to have one it is exponentially harder.

A lot of posters are talking about how much your wife sucks for giving up but the reality is she's not, she's talking to you, she's communicative about her needs and wants and she's willing to try to improve by having sex more frequently (at least based on the willingness to do the quicky?).

Don't listen to a bunch of people on DCUM in unhappy relationships, listen to your wife who seems to be actively thinking about the problem, not exactly sure how to solve it but trying to work her way through it with you.

I'm like you in that I can't always achieve an orgasm and my DH knows it and accepts it. He does his best to get me there but it just doesn't always happen. He almost always gets there and I definitely enjoy helping him get there. We've been married 33 years and still have sex 1-2 times a week and it's always enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP I am a supporter of maintenance sex 100%. For women, its use it or lose it IMO. Hard to get a creaky unused engine back up and running (I say this as a 32 year old who had a hard time getting my own unused engine running a couple months post partum so not a ding on age).

I do not think you should focus on her orgasm. For a lot of women it doesn't happen every time, it can be enjoyable without that. What is virtually never enjoyable is kind of knowing its unlikely to happen and having to endure a lot of extra stuff to make your partner feel like they're helping you out. If she's open about when it is and isn't in the cards take that and run with it.

Thanks for this. I was starting to second guess myself based on the SHE MUST ORGASM EVERY TIME comments. Believe me, I'm willing to spend the time making it happen for her. I enjoy getting to touch her and think up ways to try and get her off. For me that's a big part of the fun of sex. But if that's not what she's up for on a given night, I doubt it's helpful for me to insist.

True but then she's probably not up for sex at all that night, period. This is the problem with looking at it from this perspective imo. You've badgered her into sex and she puts out but then doesn't even want an orgasm in the process? There's something wrong there. BTDT. She's probably annoyed because she didn't want to have sex in the first place.

In this situation, if you find this happening fairly often (you're having sex but she doesn't come and doesn't want you to make any efforts in that way) I think it's probably better to tread lightly and wait for her to come to you.

She initiated, and I haven't brought up the subject of sex in at least a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.

Not so weird. Different people have different preferences. I know people who'd never turn down a meal. But, for me, eating can often feel like a hassle. Given a choice between a long complicated meal (even if it's delicious) and a quick sandwich, some nights I'm just going to pick the sandwich because it gets the job done a whole lot more efficiently.

This analogy would make sense if he just randomly offered to go down on her (weird) but we're talking about people already having sex here. He comes and she does not. He offers but she says no even though she usually likes it and he likes doing it? (that's what I got from his posts). Yeah I think that is kind of weird and might be worth looking into if the OP is trying to improve their sex lives.

Getting oral is not like getting a BJ. This is the problem when everyone is just focused on the end result. I have turned down oral because it is more emotionally taxing than regular sex. I have to be feeling it to feel comfortable enough with it for it to work. I do not think guys EVER have to be feeling it for a decent BJ to get them there nor do they have to get over a mental hurdle about feeling comfortable with a girl doing it for them. Some women have to do that for oral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I have a higher libido than I thought. I can't imagine being ok with not having an orgasm even though my partner did and thinking that is still satisfying, good sex. lol

+1

This. I’m a woman with a high libido (married 14 years, two kids). I think the advice about sex still being “nice” even without the DW getting an orgasm is misguided. That might be okay for a woman who does not truly love sex, but it’s not okay for many of us.

Also, I saw a comment up thread about it being weird for a woman to regularly turn down oral. Receiving oral has never been all that enjoyable for me, and I have always orgasmed through PIV. So, yes, some of us don’t have hangups, but simply don’t like it. (I’m submissive in bed and so watching a man do something so submissive is frankly a turnoff.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I have a higher libido than I thought. I can't imagine being ok with not having an orgasm even though my partner did and thinking that is still satisfying, good sex. lol

+1

This. I’m a woman with a high libido (married 14 years, two kids). I think the advice about sex still being “nice” even without the DW getting an orgasm is misguided. That might be okay for a woman who does not truly love sex, but it’s not okay for many of us.

Also, I saw a comment up thread about it being weird for a woman to regularly turn down oral. Receiving oral has never been all that enjoyable for me, and I have always orgasmed through PIV. So, yes, some of us don’t have hangups, but simply don’t like it. (I’m submissive in bed and so watching a man do something so submissive is frankly a turnoff.)

I am that woman. You could call either of our advice misguided. If OP's wife is like me, its good advice, if he's like you than it is bad advice. But it is silly to think that there are not women for whom my advice is the right advice. Another one just posted upthread.

OP's wife initiated sex and then when he was done said she was done too. I think he should trust his wife who is trying to work through this. Or he could believe that his wife is secretly lying to him about her struggle with low libido and is secretly resentful of his not giving her enough orgasms throughout the year. That seems WAY more convoluted IMO.

And I truly love sex. Just because I don't view it exactly like you do doesn't mean I don't love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.

Not so weird. Different people have different preferences. I know people who'd never turn down a meal. But, for me, eating can often feel like a hassle. Given a choice between a long complicated meal (even if it's delicious) and a quick sandwich, some nights I'm just going to pick the sandwich because it gets the job done a whole lot more efficiently.

This analogy would make sense if he just randomly offered to go down on her (weird) but we're talking about people already having sex here. He comes and she does not. He offers but she says no even though she usually likes it and he likes doing it? (that's what I got from his posts). Yeah I think that is kind of weird and might be worth looking into if the OP is trying to improve their sex lives.

Getting oral is not like getting a BJ. This is the problem when everyone is just focused on the end result. I have turned down oral because it is more emotionally taxing than regular sex. I have to be feeling it to feel comfortable enough with it for it to work. I do not think guys EVER have to be feeling it for a decent BJ to get them there nor do they have to get over a mental hurdle about feeling comfortable with a girl doing it for them. Some women have to do that for oral.

She’s in the middle of having sex with her husband. If she’s not comfortable receiving oral then there are bigger issues than wanting to get it over with in order to read her book and go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex.

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.

Not so weird. Different people have different preferences. I know people who'd never turn down a meal. But, for me, eating can often feel like a hassle. Given a choice between a long complicated meal (even if it's delicious) and a quick sandwich, some nights I'm just going to pick the sandwich because it gets the job done a whole lot more efficiently.

This analogy would make sense if he just randomly offered to go down on her (weird) but we're talking about people already having sex here. He comes and she does not. He offers but she says no even though she usually likes it and he likes doing it? (that's what I got from his posts). Yeah I think that is kind of weird and might be worth looking into if the OP is trying to improve their sex lives.

Getting oral is not like getting a BJ. This is the problem when everyone is just focused on the end result. I have turned down oral because it is more emotionally taxing than regular sex. I have to be feeling it to feel comfortable enough with it for it to work. I do not think guys EVER have to be feeling it for a decent BJ to get them there nor do they have to get over a mental hurdle about feeling comfortable with a girl doing it for them. Some women have to do that for oral.

She’s in the middle of having sex with her husband. If she’s not comfortable receiving oral then there are bigger issues than wanting to get it over with in order to read her book and go to sleep.

Who are you to say what a woman does or does not in the middle of sex? Women are not exactly like men in this context and BJs are not directly comparable to oral sex for a woman.

I'm sure there are women who this is not the case for but there are plenty of us who can't always shift into the right mindset for that.

And I am an enthusiastic and adventurous person for my partner but sometimes I'm just not feeling it, just like sometimes I'm not feeling being on top or letting someone in the backdoor. Just because you are in the act doesn't mean literally EVERY POSSIBLE ACT is now appealing to you in that moment.

[Anonymous]

Ya’ll really don’t see how it’s misguided to tell a man “oh it’s ok” if she comes infrequently about his wife when that same wife just told him she’d be totally fine never having sex again? And he says he’s in despair about this?

Like, that’s ^ not going to make her want to do it more.

I think he needs to back off totally, remove all pressure from the situation, let her know that he loves her under any circumstance, etc. etc. wait for her to come to him, THEN rock her world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ya’ll really don’t see how it’s misguided to tell a man “oh it’s ok” if she comes infrequently about his wife when that same wife just told him she’d be totally fine never having sex again? And he says he’s in despair about this?

Like, that’s ^ not going to make her want to do it more.

I think he needs to back off totally, remove all pressure from the situation, let her know that he loves her under any circumstance, etc. etc. wait for her to come to him, THEN rock her world.

Personally the more often and more normal sex is the more often I have an orgasm. And the more often my husband decides to drag out an encounter trying to make me have an orgasm when I don't think it is going to happen, the less I enjoy that experience and the longer I wait to initiate again. So I don't think it is terribly misguided to tell a man to literally listen to what his wife is telling him and respecting her choices about how she wants to have sex. Start having sex regularly and have it be a normal enjoyable activity and the rest will come.

Simply choosing not to have sex with her at all for an indefinite period of time and then expecting the icebreaker sex to be mind blowing instead of mind blowingingly awkward shows that you might know your OWN mind fine, but you certainly shouldn't be speaking for all women.

[Anonymous]

Soooo. You’re saying you have sex once a month or less and she doesn’t always get off. But the problem is definitely not your technique.

Riiight.

Are you hearing yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ya’ll really don’t see how it’s misguided to tell a man “oh it’s ok” if she comes infrequently about his wife when that same wife just told him she’d be totally fine never having sex again? And he says he’s in despair about this?

Like, that’s ^ not going to make her want to do it more.

I think he needs to back off totally, remove all pressure from the situation, let her know that he loves her under any circumstance, etc. etc. wait for her to come to him, THEN rock her world.

Personally the more often and more normal sex is the more often I have an orgasm. And the more often my husband decides to drag out an encounter trying to make me have an orgasm when I don't think it is going to happen, the less I enjoy that experience and the longer I wait to initiate again. So I don't think it is terribly misguided to tell a man to literally listen to what his wife is telling him and respecting her choices about how she wants to have sex. Start having sex regularly and have it be a normal enjoyable activity and the rest will come.

Simply choosing not to have sex with her at all for an indefinite period of time and then expecting the icebreaker sex to be mind blowing instead of mind blowingingly awkward shows that you might know your OWN mind fine, but you certainly shouldn't be speaking for all women.

New poster here.

YOU don’t speak for all women either. If I had to guess, 99% of women have sex in order to have an irgasm just like men do.

I do t know WHO you think you are speaking for but yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ya’ll really don’t see how it’s misguided to tell a man “oh it’s ok” if she comes infrequently about his wife when that same wife just told him she’d be totally fine never having sex again? And he says he’s in despair about this?

Like, that’s ^ not going to make her want to do it more.

I think he needs to back off totally, remove all pressure from the situation, let her know that he loves her under any circumstance, etc. etc. wait for her to come to him, THEN rock her world.

Personally the more often and more normal sex is the more often I have an orgasm. And the more often my husband decides to drag out an encounter trying to make me have an orgasm when I don't think it is going to happen, the less I enjoy that experience and the longer I wait to initiate again. So I don't think it is terribly misguided to tell a man to literally listen to what his wife is telling him and respecting her choices about how she wants to have sex. Start having sex regularly and have it be a normal enjoyable activity and the rest will come.

Simply choosing not to have sex with her at all for an indefinite period of time and then expecting the icebreaker sex to be mind blowing instead of mind blowingingly awkward shows that you might know your OWN mind fine, but you certainly shouldn't be speaking for all women.

New poster here.

YOU don’t speak for all women either. If I had to guess, 99% of women have sex in order to have an irgasm just like men do.

I do t know WHO you think you are speaking for but yourself.

I specifically said upthread that there were women who my advice would be right for and yours would be REALLY wrong for and vice versa. I am not the one speaking for all women. You guys are the ones saying I am some one off and OP should totally disregard my advice.

I am in a very happy marriage with a regular and happy sex life that my husband has no complaints about. I think I'm in the minority on DCUM on that front, so I am offering my perspective. Especially since based on what OP's wife has SAID to him, it seems closer to me than it is to you.

You are so entrenched in how you think all women view sex that you are insisting I am wrong or unique when this is a post where the OP's wife is literally saying what I am saying to OP. Of course she could be lying and you all could be right. But how maddening would it be to be trying to honestly talk about how you feel about all this and be accused of lying and being dissatisfied in bed????

[Anonymous]

In the recent past -- call it the last 3 years or so, she's had orgasms most times we've had sex. Like I said, we mostly haven't had sex until she's in the right head space and, therefore, I'm playing on "easy" mode. Plus, I enjoy trying to get her there, giving massages, giving oral, etc. This was once every 4-6 weeks.

Last night's "quickie" was something a little different. I didn't mention in the original post, but another topic she said that the ladies discussed at that gathering was scheduled sex. We've never scheduled sex and haven't yet, but I think that's generally where her head was at when she initiated last night. So, while I'd prefer to work her into orgasmic frenzies a couple times a week, I'm going to go with PP and just take my wife at her word that this is what she wants.

That said, if the quickies become the rule rather than the exception, I might have to pass. If sex is primarily about getting myself off, I can take care of things on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the recent past -- call it the last 3 years or so, she's had orgasms most times we've had sex. Like I said, we mostly haven't had sex until she's in the right head space and, therefore, I'm playing on "easy" mode. Plus, I enjoy trying to get her there, giving massages, giving oral, etc. This was once every 4-6 weeks.

Last night's "quickie" was something a little different. I didn't mention in the original post, but another topic she said that the ladies discussed at that gathering was scheduled sex. We've never scheduled sex and haven't yet, but I think that's generally where her head was at when she initiated last night. So, while I'd prefer to work her into orgasmic frenzies a couple times a week, I'm going to go with PP and just take my wife at her word that this is what she wants.

That said, if the quickies become the rule rather than the exception, I might have to pass. If sex is primarily about getting myself off, I can take care of things on my own.

I am PP and I think that is a good plan. FWIW I also orgasm more often than not and I agree if ALL sex was quick and not full of passion I wouldn't have a happy and satisfied sex life.

But your wife is trying to meet you halfway, I think its great that you're letting her considering all the guys on here who complain about this and everything women do to try to solve the problem!

[Anonymous]

NP. Is sex once a month or less “enough” for you? It seemed from your OP that you were looking for ideas to increase sex life but now it sounds like you want to follow wife’s lead (I.e. every 4-6 weeks).

If you have no issue with that, why even post?