Maternal grandparent advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Who cares if a DIL doesn't love her MIL as much as her own daughter? My husband doesn't love my mother as much as I love my mother either. Your attitude about loves and family relationships is so sexist and narrow-minded. In my original post, I pointed out that mothers without daughters don't need to be pitied because they can have loving relationships with their sons. If you don't think your son's love is worth the same weight as your daughter's love, then that's your sad mindset to live with. Not everyone feels the same.

This thread is about mothers being the sole gatekeeper in terms of access to grandchildren. I encourage mothers to challenge this dynamic by raising your sons to be as close to you as your daughters, so you don't have to go begging your DIL for access to the kids.

You are like that woman in Tolstoy's novels who kept responding to what she thought the person said, not to what she actually said.

But by all means, continue to fight the good fight. Ignore a thousand threads from women who say they'd rather hang out with their mom than with their MILs. Who knows. Maybe you can will yourself into a different reality.

[Anonymous]

PS: If your MIL had a daughter, you'd know it, too.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I totally agree with this. My mom is the same way, but my mil seems like she could care less. A picture and a yearly visit, is more than enough for her. My husband has to practically beg her to come visit, and she often makes a lame excuse about why she can't. The friends I know whose MIL's have a lot of access to the grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, are the ones that offer help and don't make things about them. These mil's genuinely enjoy spending time with their son, DIL, and grandkids, and are helpful without being overbearing.

[Anonymous]

100% true for my famil

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I totally agree with this. My mom is the same way, but my mil seems like she could care less. A picture and a yearly visit, is more than enough for her. My husband has to practically beg her to come visit, and she often makes a lame excuse about why she can't. The friends I know whose MIL's have a lot of access to the grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, are the ones that offer help and don't make things about them. These mil's genuinely enjoy spending time with their son, DIL, and grandkids, and are helpful without being overbearing.

I understand both of you completely. The question, though, that you need to ask and answer very honestly is this: do you let your mom get away with things that would annoy you to high heavens in your MIL? In other words...are your standards of acceptable behavior identical for your MIL and your mom? Or does mom get a break because she's mom?

I'm not blaming, please understand. Just trying to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I totally agree with this. My mom is the same way, but my mil seems like she could care less. A picture and a yearly visit, is more than enough for her. My husband has to practically beg her to come visit, and she often makes a lame excuse about why she can't. The friends I know whose MIL's have a lot of access to the grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, are the ones that offer help and don't make things about them. These mil's genuinely enjoy spending time with their son, DIL, and grandkids, and are helpful without being overbearing.

I understand both of you completely. The question, though, that you need to ask and answer very honestly is this: do you let your mom get away with things that would annoy you to high heavens in your MIL? In other words...are your standards of acceptable behavior identical for your MIL and your mom? Or does mom get a break because she's mom?

I'm not blaming, please understand. Just trying to be honest.

Absolutely not! I’ve been known to get on my mom about her shortcomings. In fact, I probably, out of respect for my husband, turn a blind eye to some of my MILs nonsense. It’s not worth the fight; MIL is horrible for holding a grudge. On the contrary, my mom and I fight it out, apologize and move on. Done.

[Anonymous]

My MIL also only wants to visit the kids when they can spend hours and hours with her, or sleepover. We make it work occasionally, sure. But she will turn down visits that aren’t long or aren’t sleepovers, then complain that “we keep the kids from her”. No, it’s just that it can’t always be YOUR way.

[Anonymous]

We paid a lot of money to have the grandchildren in a home that's five minutes from ours. It was money well spent. The paternal grandparents prefer casino weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We paid a lot of money to have the grandchildren in a home that's five minutes from ours. It was money well spent. The paternal grandparents prefer casino weekends.

Nothing more genuine than bought love. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Not true for us- dh’s Family is way more involved. This is partly due to geography and part lack of interest, which is sad.

But I won the lottery w my in laws so I can’t complain and I know it won’t change w my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

+1

And plenty of moms and daughters have no interest in talking on the phone to one another every day.

LOL +2

I'm a daughter who has no interest in talking to my parents every day. DH is pretty good in managing his side of the family. His parents are deceased, but he wrangles up his sister (who dropped off the face of the Earth as far as her parents were concerned) and cousins on a regular basis. He calls everyone regularly. Some return the favor, some don't, but he keeps it up, because they're the only family left, and it's important to him.

So pretty please with sugar on top--shove your gender stereotypes you know where

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, thank you. I don't believe you understand what I'm saying. I will spell it again for you. A daughter will never love her MIL, no matter how great, as much as she loves her mother. It is stupid to think you can compete.

DP. What does love have to do with "access to grandchildren"? I hate the expression. Grandchildren are not commodities, FFS.

This makes me think it was a good thing to have kids later in life. By the time they marry and have children, I'll be so freaking old, I won't give a damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about you, but my mom gets more time because she offers to HELP.

Like when I’m sick, she’s offers to take the kids so I can nap.

Or comes for an afternoon and take them to lunch and the park so I can go do things.

Or just ASKS, “Need any help this week? I can come watch the kids if you do!”

— I’d never turn down help, but MIL can’t be bothered. She’s never, not once, offered to just watch the kids on any terms that don’t benefit HER. In fact, once when I was dealing with a parent in the hospital and another who was injured at home, she asked when planned on accommodating HER!

So she is limited to the visits WE plan with her. But she’s welcome to come over anytime!

I agree with this. Problem is that my MIL sees that DH never needs help, so she never offers. We both work full time, but it was me doing the brunt of the work like being pregnant, recovering from child birth, breastfeeding at night and then struggling while my DH deploys. I get that she shouldn't offer to help me, but sometimes her grandkids need help and she doesn't offer to help them either. I guess if it was flipped and they were recovering from knee surgery, I'd either send DH or send a card .

[Anonymous]

It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.