Maternal grandparent advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.

You have just succinctly described the issue, except you've added finger pointing instead of evaluating it objectively. The truth of the matter is that women shape households. Your mother shaped yours when you were a child, and you are now shaping your own family based on your upbringing (of which your mother was in charge). To your MIL, that's not her way. Her daughter - whose mind she shaped in her own household - is now shaping her own family based on her own upbringing, of which MIL was in charge. So, she naturally feels closer to her daughter and her children - just as your mother feels closer to you and yours. Daughters and their children are a natural extension of their mothers in a way that sons aren't. Call it what you wish. It's still true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.

You have just succinctly described the issue, except you've added finger pointing instead of evaluating it objectively. The truth of the matter is that women shape households. Your mother shaped yours when you were a child, and you are now shaping your own family based on your upbringing (of which your mother was in charge). To your MIL, that's not her way. Her daughter - whose mind she shaped in her own household - is now shaping her own family based on her own upbringing, of which MIL was in charge. So, she naturally feels closer to her daughter and her children - just as your mother feels closer to you and yours. Daughters and their children are a natural extension of their mothers in a way that sons aren't. Call it what you wish. It's still true.

NP I agree with this. I do believe children are an extension of the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.

You have just succinctly described the issue, except you've added finger pointing instead of evaluating it objectively. The truth of the matter is that women shape households. Your mother shaped yours when you were a child, and you are now shaping your own family based on your upbringing (of which your mother was in charge). To your MIL, that's not her way. Her daughter - whose mind she shaped in her own household - is now shaping her own family based on her own upbringing, of which MIL was in charge. So, she naturally feels closer to her daughter and her children - just as your mother feels closer to you and yours. Daughters and their children are a natural extension of their mothers in a way that sons aren't. Call it what you wish. It's still true.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.

And none of “our way” comes from your DH’s family of origin. Only from yours and whatever you and DH are creating. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is true that my parents spend more time with us and that they generally know more about our lives than my DHs parents do. That said, I put genuine work into maintaining a relationship with my family and he does not. Add to that, my MIL simply cannot accept that we do things our own way and will not do things her way. Some of “our way” foes come from my upbringing and some we created on our own. This causes problems for me and her son. I think the largest issue is that DHs sister does everything MIL thinks is correct so it must be a DIL problem. I gave up and my DH is in charge of his family and we have therefore not traveled the 3 hours to see her in over 4 years. His choice, his family. I think this is more common than not.

You have just succinctly described the issue, except you've added finger pointing instead of evaluating it objectively. The truth of the matter is that women shape households. Your mother shaped yours when you were a child, and you are now shaping your own family based on your upbringing (of which your mother was in charge). To your MIL, that's not her way. Her daughter - whose mind she shaped in her own household - is now shaping her own family based on her own upbringing, of which MIL was in charge. So, she naturally feels closer to her daughter and her children - just as your mother feels closer to you and yours. Daughters and their children are a natural extension of their mothers in a way that sons aren't. Call it what you wish. It's still true.

NP I agree with this. I do believe children are an extension of the mother.

Well, sons are not, are they?

Men are the root of all evil, no matter how young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up

NP - even If t were postigle to raise sons that are very attached to their mothers most DILs wouldn't like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up

NP - even If t were postigle to raise sons that are very attached to their mothers most DILs wouldn't like that.

A man can love his mother and like his family to spend time with them. A MIL can achieve this happiness and her DIL will accept it if she makes it CLEAR that the wife comes first. THAT is the issue with these mom/son relationships; the mother feels “replaced” and competitive, instead of just accepting the DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up

NP - even If t were postigle to raise sons that are very attached to their mothers most DILs wouldn't like that.

A man can love his mother and like his family to spend time with them. A MIL can achieve this happiness and her DIL will accept it if she makes it CLEAR that the wife comes first. THAT is the issue with these mom/son relationships; the mother feels “replaced” and competitive, instead of just accepting the DIL.

There are many issues with these relationships but all of them come to the same core reason. DILs and MILs are essentially strangers. Yet they expect to fast-track to family on day one, to the point of being placed ahead of the natural ties - whether mother/son or mother/daughter. Both should understand that this only comes with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

But how many threads on this forum have focused on how the husband needs to "protect" the DIL from the MIL and the DIL shouldn't be forced to spend time with his family? The MIL doesn't offer to help, or she hovers, or she's not interested in the grandkids, or she's obsessed with the grandkids, or she insists on using a K-cup for coffee in the morning, when DIL wants her to make a full pot of coffee. How many threads ask if DIL can send the DH and kids to see the IL's without going herself? Really, the MIL can't win, in many cases, and most DIL's on this forum think its their husband's job to prevent her from having to deal with their MIL. Then they say that its the son's problem that they aren't closer to his family.

Everything you wrote is correct but somehow you think this is the DILs fault? Why aren't these moms raising sons that are capable of calling and planning visits? 99% of problems between women and inlaws would be solved if men stepped up

NP - even If t were postigle to raise sons that are very attached to their mothers most DILs wouldn't like that.

A man can love his mother and like his family to spend time with them. A MIL can achieve this happiness and her DIL will accept it if she makes it CLEAR that the wife comes first. THAT is the issue with these mom/son relationships; the mother feels “replaced” and competitive, instead of just accepting the DIL.

i disagree with this. i think the issue is that DIL wants to make decisions in her own household and that she doesn't want her DH - much less MIL - to have a significant influence.

my own husband couldn't care less about his parents and if i didn't maintain that relationship they would talk like 3 times a year. while it's a hassle to a point to do this "work" for him, it's much preferable to him giving me constant input regarding what his mother thinks is best thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Geography play some role in the all this. My husband's side of the family is local so we definitely see my in-laws more than I see my parents who live 5 hours away. I don't know if it's because I see my in-laws for smaller chunks of time but I find that they getting on my nerves a lot less than my parents. (I'm also one of like 10 people on DCUM who genuinely likes her mother-in-law. And I love my mom but she's neurotic and passive aggressive)