Maternal grandparent advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All you have to do is to read this forum regularly. So many threads complaining about MILs but very few about FILs. Very few of the threads are started by the son/father complaining about inlaws. That says a lot.

Right! It says that they just don't really care as much - they often can't be bothered

I adore my MIL, can’t stand my FIL. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men as a general rule just will not make the effort. I know there are exceptions but that's what it often boils down to. My ILs live overseas and don't speak English well, but they are lovely people and I'm happy to host them in our house for extended visits whenever they want to come. However, once they go back home it's like DH forgets they even exist. I honestly have to nag him to get him to Facetime them with the kids. I would do it myself but there's the language barrier. And with my own brother, we're super close and text each other multiple times a day, but my mom has learned that it's easier to just ask me how he's doing than get him to return her phone calls.

Both my DH and my brother had good childhoods and love their moms and are also great husbands who take an active role in parenting, cleaning, and running the household (so it's not an issue of moms raising them with traditional gender norms). The whole thing just blows my mind sometimes.

Very similar. It's mind boggling.

+2, same exact thing here. Inlaws are lovely people, my husband had a great childhood and loves spending time with them when we see him. But yep, when they/we leave it's like he completely forgets they exist. He just can't really be bothered to stay in contact, although he loves them a lot. He doesn't make the effort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just much closer to my mom and want to hang out with her with or without my kids around, but these days I mostly have kids around me. I have no desire to hang out with my MIL although I make the effort to see her so she doesn't feel left out, but it is an effort.

This!

I’m also sure I personally make time once a month for MIL. Of course, my husband could take our DC and visit his mom to hang out like I do with my mom, be my he doesn’t choose to, nor does he really want to. Somehow, MILs everywhere see this as the DILs doing.

Yes! I'm no gate keeper, if he wants to go see his parents (or even wants to plan a trip for us to go), awesome - do it. But he just can't really be bothered. And I refuse to take on the nagging 'you should call your parents!' Role - that is not my job. But I'm certainly not keeping him from doing it - and I do talk to them, but obviously talk to my own parents more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not true for us. MIL is way more involved with her kids (all boys) than my mom is with her daughters.

I find this to be true in a lot of families where the DH's only has a brother/brothers Maybe women who only have son's make better MIL's because they know they have to put in a lot of effort with their DIL and do the "right things" to have accesss to their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the pp's who say it's more the son to blame than the DIL. DH is another one who I know loves his parents, but I have to remind him to call them once a month. He's fine just visiting them a few times a year and frankly, I'm too busy to plan more trips to visit his family.

My dad on the other hand was great about having regular visits with his side of the family when I was a kid and I remember him taking great care of my aging grandmother (and some siblings too). So some men do have it in them to maintain family ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

DP. You'd never know. In DCUM land daughters routinely inquire about cutting ties with mothers.

Y'all are pretty dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not true for us. MIL is way more involved with her kids (all boys) than my mom is with her daughters.

I find this to be true in a lot of families where the DH's only has a brother/brothers Maybe women who only have son's make better MIL's because they know they have to put in a lot of effort with their DIL and do the "right things" to have accesss to their grandkids.

This made me lol. I wonder if you are joking / being sarcastic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just much closer to my mom and want to hang out with her with or without my kids around, but these days I mostly have kids around me. I have no desire to hang out with my MIL although I make the effort to see her so she doesn't feel left out, but it is an effort.

This!

I’m also sure I personally make time once a month for MIL. Of course, my husband could take our DC and visit his mom to hang out like I do with my mom, be my he doesn’t choose to, nor does he really want to. Somehow, MILs everywhere see this as the DILs doing.

Yes yes yes. To all of this. Though my DH does a pretty good job of seeing his mother without me organizing it, but it's NOTHING like the way I spend time with my mother (which is very casual, easy and low stress). His mother is, to put it kindly, a high stress person to be around. Having kids has helped because they are the ultimate buffer for me. But I would never go out of my way to spend any time with my MIL solo. Ever. In fact just the idea of that gives me anxiety. I recognize she's an important person for my kids, she really does love and adore them. I'll always allow them to have their own relationship with her, but she is simply very unpleasant to me the vast majority of the time, so I am not interested in a more personal relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, thank you. I don't believe you understand what I'm saying. I will spell it again for you. A daughter will never love her MIL, no matter how great, as much as she loves her mother. It is stupid to think you can compete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, thank you. I don't believe you understand what I'm saying. I will spell it again for you. A daughter will never love her MIL, no matter how great, as much as she loves her mother. It is stupid to think you can compete.

Who cares if a DIL doesn't love her MIL as much as her own daughter? My husband doesn't love my mother as much as I love my mother either. Your attitude about loves and family relationships is so sexist and narrow-minded. In my original post, I pointed out that mothers without daughters don't need to be pitied because they can have loving relationships with their sons. If you don't think your son's love is worth the same weight as your daughter's love, then that's your sad mindset to live with. Not everyone feels the same.

This thread is about mothers being the sole gatekeeper in terms of access to grandchildren. I encourage mothers to challenge this dynamic by raising your sons to be as close to you as your daughters, so you don't have to go begging your DIL for access to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

It doesn't matter what he communicated. No matter how much you cherish his mother, you cherish your own more. Love and commitment to family does not automatically transfer to spouses, nor does it displace your blood parents. Unless you're an orphan.

Furthermore, if your MIL had daughters, you would not have persisted in this delusion.

Your response implies that I inherently love my own mother more than my husband loves his mother. So in your view, only daughters can love their mothers? I hope you don't have sons. It would be pretty awful to realize your mother thinks less of you because of your sex.

No, my response states clearly - instead of implying - that assuming you're a normal person with a normal mother, you love your mother more than you love your MIL.

I mean, maybe you don't. I really don't know you or your mother. For most normal daughters and mothers it happens to be true.

I happen to have both daughters and sons. I made peace with the probability that I will have better access to my daughter's children than my sons' children, all other things being equal. That's because my daughter will think of me before her MIL, and my sons' wives will think of their mother before me.

Instead of accepting (and possibly encouraging) that dynamic, why don't you try fostering a better relationship with your sons now? My point is that my MIL has access to my kids because her son gives access. I don't play gatekeeper, and DH invites his mother to stay with us often (in addition to flying us all to see his family multiple times a year).

I have an excellent relationship with my sons, thank you. I don't believe you understand what I'm saying. I will spell it again for you. A daughter will never love her MIL, no matter how great, as much as she loves her mother. It is stupid to think you can compete.

Who cares if a DIL doesn't love her MIL as much as her own daughter? My husband doesn't love my mother as much as I love my mother either. Your attitude about loves and family relationships is so sexist and narrow-minded. In my original post, I pointed out that mothers without daughters don't need to be pitied because they can have loving relationships with their sons. If you don't think your son's love is worth the same weight as your daughter's love, then that's your sad mindset to live with. Not everyone feels the same.

This thread is about mothers being the sole gatekeeper in terms of access to grandchildren. I encourage mothers to challenge this dynamic by raising your sons to be as close to you as your daughters, so you don't have to go begging your DIL for access to the kids.

Why is the wife the gatekeeper! I know I’m not! I’d love an afternoon alone while my DH took our kids and his mom out. Go ahead! But he just doesn’t care to spend that kind of time with her. He’d rather go golfing with his dad, or fishing, or going for a beer.

This is basic relationship 101 that spans the test of time. Men will never have that intimate closeness with their mothers. Well, SOME men do, but thats a whole other story...