Maternal grandparent advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

No, they CAN...the reality is that many of them just don't. They can't be bothered and don't make it a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

[Anonymous]

All you have to do is to read this forum regularly. So many threads complaining about MILs but very few about FILs. Very few of the threads are started by the son/father complaining about inlaws. That says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

Whatever. Dh loves our children and wants to discuss them with me but he just doesn't want to talk to his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you have to do is to read this forum regularly. So many threads complaining about MILs but very few about FILs. Very few of the threads are started by the son/father complaining about inlaws. That says a lot.

MyFIL is under narcissistic MIL spell. He is a codependent enabler. He would never come visit us alone when MIL doesn't feel like it for example. She needs his 100% attention and gets jealous if he has a good time. It's pointless to try changing that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

blah blah blah. maybe if men took more initiative to see to social arrangements there wouldn't be a "maternal advantage."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

Whatever. Dh loves our children and wants to discuss them with me but he just doesn't want to talk to his parents.

Fine, but then his mom shouldn't do any bullshit complaining about the "maternal advantage."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:blah blah blah. maybe if men took more initiative to see to social arrangements there wouldn't be a "maternal advantage."

Yep. Raise your sons to want to call and visit you. Include them in family things the way daughters are included from an early age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:blah blah blah. maybe if men took more initiative to see to social arrangements there wouldn't be a "maternal advantage."

Yep. Raise your sons to want to call and visit you. Include them in family things the way daughters are included from an early age.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always come on these posts to present their anecdata that is counter to the trend cited in the research. The subject seems to make people really defensive. I have only sons and this is the exact reason I wanted a daughter. I love my boys, but I don't assume that I will be as involved in their families' lives when they're older and married as I would be in a daughter's. My experience is consistent with the article - most of the families I know are closer to the wife's parents than the husband's.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Because the wife is generally the gatekeeper.

Any time here that a man tries to assert spending time or maintaining a relationship with his family, dcum chimes in with "You have a husband problem." That is very tell8ng.

It's a husband problem because the man is supposed to be organizing visits with his family and fielding the calls and emails. WHY should it all get dumped on women? Because we're better at it? They can learn too.

[Anonymous]

As a woman, i've had 30+ years of my mother's personality, her overbearing tendencies (not abnormally overbearing but occassionally annoying), idosyncracies and unsolicited advice. I can reflect on our relationship and see that for my mom at least it's rooted in love and she has my best interest at heart. I can speak directly and frankly when I feel she is overstepping boundaries and she receives my words and adjusts accordingly. By contrast you don't meet you MIL until you're in your 20s/30s so you're less likely to extend that same grace and view comments through a negative lens. She may also get more easily offended it you reprimand her for something she says or does. For daughters with HEALTHY relationships with their parents I think their own parents are just easier to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you have to do is to read this forum regularly. So many threads complaining about MILs but very few about FILs. Very few of the threads are started by the son/father complaining about inlaws. That says a lot.

Right! It says that they just don't really care as much - they often can't be bothered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People always come on these posts to present their anecdata that is counter to the trend cited in the research. The subject seems to make people really defensive. I have only sons and this is the exact reason I wanted a daughter. I love my boys, but I don't assume that I will be as involved in their families' lives when they're older and married as I would be in a daughter's. My experience is consistent with the article - most of the families I know are closer to the wife's parents than the husband's.

+1, same here

I feel the same way. Yet my personal experience dictates that it depends on the personalities of the mothers/daughters. I grew up in a multi-generational household with my maternal grandparents. And now? I live in a multi-generational household with my ILs.

As the parents to sons, both DH and I emphasize the importance of family on both sides of the family. And my parents and ILs spend time together, both with and without us. We try to be good to our families, period.