Maternal grandparent advantage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is definitely true. I feel bad for women who don't have daughters

I don't need your pity, thanks. My husband is a wonderful son. He communicated the importance of keeping family close before we got married. I cherish his mother and welcome her to stay for months at a time in my home. She doesn't have daughters of her own, and I don't want her to feel society's (and your) bullshit pity. I hope my sons will grow up with the same sense of love and commitment as my husband has for his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It goes both ways too. My MIL is way more involved with her daughters' families and never offers to visit or help us the same as she does them.

I also think that young families raise their kids more like how the mom was raised instead of the dad.

Agreed. Both my parents and ILs live out of state, but ILs are retired. They were here a couple months ago to visit, and over Skype yesterday lamented when they’d see our DS again (he’s 2). DH was like, come whenever you want, to which they replied, oh but we’re busy every weekend this spring. Their other grandson (by DH’s sister) is 12 and has baseball/soccer games every weekend, and they want to attend them all. They are kind, loving grandparents but I know my DS will never have as close of a relationship with them as they do my SIL’s kids, for several reasons. It just is what it is, but I get the sense DH is resentful about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

No, they CAN...the reality is that many of them just don't. They can't be bothered and don't make it a priority.

this!
my MIL is very difficult but I still have a closet relationship to her than her own son. he just diner care... it's not malicious, he is not angry or avoiding them, he just completely forgets about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It drives me so nuts that this is all focused on the dil, where is the son!? If he’s failing to organize the visits and creates the closeness it’s somehow his wife’s fault that she does better by her family than he does by his?

Most women are more social and better at maintaining and organizing relationships than most men (obviously this is not true for all women or all men). That's a big part of why their families end up getting more time.

That’s a cop out.

You’re telling me a man doesn’t know how to invite his mom over? He doesn’t know how to ask to visit?

He doesn’t eat? He can’t point to a calendar and say “I will eat with my mom on this day”?

Guys just don't care the same. Dh doesn't want to talk to his parents daily. He calls his dad once a week and they don't really discuss family things. They talk about sports or politics. His mom wants him to call daily with specifics about our kids, which is what I like to talk to my mom about.

Sexist bs. Plenty of guys do care and manage the relationships.

+1

And plenty of moms and daughters have no interest in talking on the phone to one another every day.

[Anonymous]

My kid's relationships with my inlaws is much more my DH's job than mine. I've made that clear to him. I think that it's finally setting in for my MIL too. I am not some horrible shrew who wants to keep the kids away from her and only allow my mother to see them. But I am NOT going to manage my MIL. I actually tried to take the reigns early on in our marriage and she was such a b*tch about everything, I completely disengage from her. It was actually a good thing! Because now it's my DH's job 100%. I do sometimes give him suggestions if I see an opportunity for him to include his mother in something. But that's about it.

[Anonymous]

This is probably only the case with local grandparents. My ILs live driving distance, my parents live flying distance. My kids see my parents twice a year, they see DH's parents on average once every 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

The article makes it sound like all grandparents want to have a close relationship with their grandkids. This is more like it - "When Grandma can't be bothered" https://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/fashion/05grandparents-1.html

[Anonymous]

I'm just much closer to my mom and want to hang out with her with or without my kids around, but these days I mostly have kids around me. I have no desire to hang out with my MIL although I make the effort to see her so she doesn't feel left out, but it is an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is probably only the case with local grandparents. My ILs live driving distance, my parents live flying distance. My kids see my parents twice a year, they see DH's parents on average once every 6 weeks.

Similar situation here and the driving distance grandparents see our daughter more than the flight distance grandparents just on the basis of cost. And both sets of grandparents live close to their other grandkids so our child is never going to have the close relationship with either set that her cousins have/will have. It's next to impossible to get grandparents to visit us because they are busy with the local grands. Visits only occur when we go to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s perspective. My MIL thinks my mom gets more, but in reality, my MIL gets the longer more intimate visits, sleepovers, etc, and my mom gets lunches and short visits, but more frequently.

Same with us. And my kids are closer to my husbands mom. We vist her for weekend and she dotes on them. My own mom meets us for lunch or dinner and isn't very focused on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Men as a general rule just will not make the effort. I know there are exceptions but that's what it often boils down to. My ILs live overseas and don't speak English well, but they are lovely people and I'm happy to host them in our house for extended visits whenever they want to come. However, once they go back home it's like DH forgets they even exist. I honestly have to nag him to get him to Facetime them with the kids. I would do it myself but there's the language barrier. And with my own brother, we're super close and text each other multiple times a day, but my mom has learned that it's easier to just ask me how he's doing than get him to return her phone calls.

Both my DH and my brother had good childhoods and love their moms and are also great husbands who take an active role in parenting, cleaning, and running the household (so it's not an issue of moms raising them with traditional gender norms). The whole thing just blows my mind sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just much closer to my mom and want to hang out with her with or without my kids around, but these days I mostly have kids around me. I have no desire to hang out with my MIL although I make the effort to see her so she doesn't feel left out, but it is an effort.

This!

I’m also sure I personally make time once a month for MIL. Of course, my husband could take our DC and visit his mom to hang out like I do with my mom, be my he doesn’t choose to, nor does he really want to. Somehow, MILs everywhere see this as the DILs doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men as a general rule just will not make the effort. I know there are exceptions but that's what it often boils down to. My ILs live overseas and don't speak English well, but they are lovely people and I'm happy to host them in our house for extended visits whenever they want to come. However, once they go back home it's like DH forgets they even exist. I honestly have to nag him to get him to Facetime them with the kids. I would do it myself but there's the language barrier. And with my own brother, we're super close and text each other multiple times a day, but my mom has learned that it's easier to just ask me how he's doing than get him to return her phone calls.

Both my DH and my brother had good childhoods and love their moms and are also great husbands who take an active role in parenting, cleaning, and running the household (so it's not an issue of moms raising them with traditional gender norms). The whole thing just blows my mind sometimes.

Very similar. It's mind boggling.

[Anonymous]

Not true for us. MIL is way more involved with her kids (all boys) than my mom is with her daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bond between mother and daughter is light years different than mother and DIL. How the mother/DIL relationship develops takes a long time and must be allowed to develop naturally, not forced by marriage or even grandchildren. They must first become friends. Everything after that comes naturally.

Yes. The short answer is that women shape households, not men. Women, not men, control children. Access to young children is conditioned upon access to the mother. Excluding dysfunction, women will always be closer to their own mothers than their husbands' mothers.

That's the reality.