Am I being overprotective? No sleepover policy at 10 years old
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Anonymous
| My mom NEVER allowed sleepover until middle school when most kids weren’t even having them anymore. She’d always come get me at 10 or so, and I was always so embarrassed. |
Anonymous
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I don't know why PPs who allow sleepovers are so harsh on OP. Some people allow sleepovers, and some don't. Big deal.
(With a couple of exceptions through the years), we only allow sleepovers with one family. Everyone else...we pick the kids up at 10 or 11. btw our kids don't really want sleepovers. They realize that they are exhausted on the next day. It should be called "awake-over" |
Anonymous
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Hard, hard post for me to write, but I have consciously never allowed my child to host sleepovers at our home when my husband is even in the house: at 'alrger' sleepover parties, I took the kids to an Embassy Suites and we had room service, the indoor pool, in room 'pedi's' (given by yours truly), movies on tv, breakfast together, and 7 year old giggles galore (four girls and me in the suite). My husband/DD's dad stayed home. Subsequent sleepover for a team party: I sent him to a hotel. When she's had one or two friends, he's typically been out of town.
And here'w why: DH is a functional alcoholic only 39 days sober. I knew; my daughter began to realize; her friends began to see the dry drunk behavior (he did not drink in front of them other than a glass of wine at dinner, but still....). I don't drink at all anymore (mother is an alcoholic, brother a functional alcoholic, DH, and I know I am co-dependent fighting hard against my own co-dependent baggage that I carry for myself and others (which I shouldn't). Anyway, I simply felt that without being able to predict what *could* happen and knowing that eventually, my husband's alcoholism would 'out' and knowing increasingly I had to stop treating dysfunction and disease as 'normal,' I simply didn't let the sleepovers happen or unfold as I wished they could. DH now is beginning to understand why; I told him, of course, back in the day, but those were the days of denial, gaslighting, and more..... Do I have regrets? Yep. Do I wish things had been different? Of course. Do I feel like I did the best I could, all the years that we did...I hope so, I really do. Intervention after failed intervention; heartbreak after heartbreak; coming to terms that I could never again leave DD alone with DH because I could not trust him to be a responsible parent (and still cannot -- this is a LONG process and we've been together a LONG time....) Here's the relevance, though: OP, I get your caution. I'm not trying to scare you. Whether it's alcoholism or substance abuse or the brother's best friend or the brother or the father or the cruel mother or the...I don't know, you name it: houses have secrets. Even those that seem safest can be most frightening. (Trust me, as my husband establishes his sobriety, we continue to get stares of open disbelief, statements like 'Are you *sure* you're not just overreacting to this?' and 'Well, you probably did something to cause it' (did I mention dysfunction  ? If you're not comfortable with DD's sleeping over elsewhere, your gut may be telling you something.
And at the risk of being presumptuous: if there's something in DD's own world that has you or her a little more on edge then perhaps your gut is telling you she's dealing with enough of her own 'stuff' at home without energy for any more surprises elsewhere. I will tell you that our DD"s separation anxiety is often sky-high and that even at her most recent sleepover she called to be picked up at 11:30 PM, too much anxiety. It sucks, just like her devastation at being told 'no sleepovers' sucks (for her) but there may be something to your own fears that's making this the right call for y'all, right now. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Yes, but the question is, WHY do they or don't they allow sleepovers? "I don't allow sleepovers because my kid is a wreck the next day, and we have stuff to do" is one thing. "I don't allow sleepovers because you never know what might happen" is another. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand the Either-Or aspect of this question.
To the people who say no, under no circumstance: Aren't there any friends that you trust enough for a child to sleep over? Can't you offer to host so that your child can at least have the sleep-over experience? I have said no to so many sleepovers but I do allow them with close family friends. Yes, I know that we don't have 100% protection this way but I think that this is a logical way to make decisions for kids. As a parent, who doesn't hate the sleepover thing. The kids stay up way too late and are exhausted the next day. But, well at least for my kids, they seem to be the highlight of every month. I think when you are a parent you have to take these cautious, calculated risks all the time. Saying no to this particular, or any other particular sleepover makes perfect sense to me. Having a blanket policy... maybe that is actually easier for parents and kids because they learn to stop asking? But I do think that it is over-protective and the wrong way to live. |
Anonymous
DP Why is it different? Really it’s none of your business what another family chooses to do (or NOt do) with their kids. Back off. |
Anonymous
| My daughter is 15 and I don't let her sleep over at houses where I don't know the family. Lots of parents let their kids sleep over here without having met us. That's their choice. If someone said they didn't want their child to sleep at my house because they don't know me, I would be cool with that. To each his own. Do what feels comfortable and right to you. |
Anonymous
Other families can make whatever decision they want. And I can wonder about those decisions if I want. |
Anonymous
| OP-- Just because you know someone doesn't mean that they aren't a molester. They aren't going to tell you, and there isn't a "molester look." |
Anonymous
| And kids today have cell phones. We have a code from our kids, if they text it, we call and say family emergency we're picking them up immediately. Sleepovers are not a big deal, my high school boy and middle school girl still have them, lots of them. They each have a group of friends and they just kind of rotate houses, and it's nice. They have good friends, and we occasionally have a night out if they are both at other's houses. |
Anonymous
This. My DD is 15 also, and I've become more strict about allowing sleepovers as she has become older. If I don't know the family well enough to even, then I don't allow the sleepover. And I'm more concerned about older brothers and their friends then I am about dads. |
Anonymous
| ^^ i meant to delete "to even" |
Anonymous
| I've had a couple of friends confide in me that they were molested at sleepovers, so I don't allow them. My kids text when their friends are getting ready to go to sleep. Literally it has never been an issue. Do what makes you comfortable. |
Anonymous
| OP - I'm really troubled by this post - you seem to be sending the message to her that she should fear all of her friends' fathers. Just ask some basic questions and let her go! |
Anonymous
I am also troubled. There was another thread about parents worried about kids hanging out in a classroom with a male teacher during lunch/after school. They're worried about potential molestation! I feel sorry for our kids. And you wonder why children have so much anxiety these days, it's from their parents! |