Am I being overprotective? No sleepover policy at 10 years old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is devastated because I told her she could not go to her friends sleepover bday party. I know the child's mom (she works with me) but I don't know her dad. Honestly, It makes me uncomfortable to just allow her to go. I don't know if there will be other adults in the house nor have I even been to their house! DD has never been to a sleepover and I explained to her my reasons for this, mostly being that of a safety concern. She is extremely upset and crying and saying that it's not fair! I suggested to meet her halfway and told her she could stay till about 10 or 11 and I could pick her up then. But she said that stupid and no one will be doing that. I know at some point these things will happen but I feel it should be someone I know better and know both the mom and the dad. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her go?

I wouldn't say you're unreasonable but I would suggest that you're a little paranoid. What is it that you think that will happen?

Sleepovers in this country are extremely common and tend to happen from Age 4 and on. Agree you should know the parents a bit better, but TBH as they get older, it's harder to really do that.

[Anonymous]

My DD was allowed to host sleepovers and we hosted around 4-5 sleepovers over the years - mainly in MS. DD used to invite 6 to 8 girls at a time, mainly during her birthday. Only 1 girl ever hosted a sleepover in MS and my DD went to it. In HS, DD slept over another friend's house only once. In both the cases, we knew the parents. It never ceased to amaze me how the parents allowed their girls to come to our house without knowing us or even coming up our door to introduce themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was allowed to host sleepovers and we hosted around 4-5 sleepovers over the years - mainly in MS. DD used to invite 6 to 8 girls at a time, mainly during her birthday. Only 1 girl ever hosted a sleepover in MS and my DD went to it. In HS, DD slept over another friend's house only once. In both the cases, we knew the parents. It never ceased to amaze me how the parents allowed their girls to come to our house without knowing us or even coming up our door to introduce themselves.

I find this strange. It's great that you have your way to decide when and where your child can go to a sleepover. Why don't you get that other parents can have a different approach when it comes to invitations from you? Especially at MS slumber parties where most parents assume a drop off and kids are more aware.

[Anonymous]

My parents never did that level of investigating and I was never harmed. In fact they were some of the best experiences as a child. OP: you can't hover or snowplow forever. Or maybe you will?

Left her go.

(Admittedly, a lot of same-sex / same-age sexual experimentation / mutual masturbation did occur around 11-14 but those are wonderful memories indeed!)

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

When do you draw the line? Because as they get older, even middle school (6th), you don't necessarily socialize with the parents. And if you "know" one, you don't know everyone in the house (other spouse, all siblings, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

The statistics out there about child abuse say that the child is most likely to be abused/molested by a member of their family.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let my kid go unless I knew the family well. That's how my parents operated and I think that was the right way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have let my daughter go to birthday party sleepovers since age 8. I just can’t imagine a situation where she would be alone with the father or the father or he could get on top of her in the middle of the night while she’s between two other sleeping girls?

Happened in Falls Church in the middle of the night.

My DD is only 5 so haven't had to address this yet but I could see doing the 10 p.m. pick-up. Sleepovers weren't a big thing growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let my kid go unless I knew the family well. That's how my parents operated and I think that was the right way.

Well then parents should get out there & get to know their kids friends' families!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

I hate when people who are bad at math try to use statistics against me. Statistically, your child is more likely to be abused by a member of your family. The next most likely abuser would be someone your child knows well and looks up to, like a close friend of the family. Someone you trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kinda sad for your daughter. Best memories of that age were sleepovers. Why are you blaming your daughter for the fact that you've never met the dad? Go meet him if that's your requirement.

Agree.

OP, the world is full of boogeymen. You’re doing your daughter a disservice if you completely shield her from all possibility and exposure to harm. You need to teach her how to respond to bad situations but never allowing her to experience life is a bad idea. I feel bad for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

I hate when people who are bad at math try to use statistics against me. Statistically, your child is more likely to be abused by a member of your family. The next most likely abuser would be someone your child knows well and looks up to, like a close friend of the family. Someone you trust.

Yes, and the corollary of those stats are that it might means “knowing someone really well” doesn’t provide assurance that they aren’t a huge creep deep down. I have little kids so haven’t had to cross their bridge and so don’t have an opinion on if you are being overprotective or not, OP, but if your plan to prevent this from ever happening is to get to know people super well... that might be shortsighted. Arming your daughter with the right tools and info, as others have suggested, to make sure she always feels comfortable and that she can reach out to you the moment she isn’t comfortable, seems the much better route to me.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that bothers me in your post is that your daughter finds it weird to go to the party and leave before the sleepover. We hosted many and my kids went to many. There are always kids who don't stay for the sleepover part. Nothing weird about it. Some kids don't want to sleepover, some parents don't want kids to sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you’re being overprotective. And also, while I believe in teaching kids about dangers in the world, please make sure you aren’t training her to see all her friends’ dads as circling predators.