Am I being overprotective? No sleepover policy at 10 years old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. I'd tell her "Let's plan that you can go. I'm going to drop you off. I'm going to walk into the house with you. If I get an uncomfortable feeling we're going to leave and you can't throw a fit."

Then call to RSVP and tell the mom "I'd really like to say yes. I've never let DD go to a sleepover before and am kind of nervous. Besides you and your husband are there any other adults in the house? Are there any guns in your home?"

But I've met lots of dads and they're all normal. And both my exhusband and current husband have been around for sleepovers. All four daughters have been having sleepovers since 4-6 yrs old (depending on when they asked/were invited) with no problem. Generally the dads get the food. They pick up the sushi or pizza, they cook the pancakes or waffles in the morning, they fix the connection when Netflix won't show up on tv. Other than that, and yelling at the girls to stop shrieking they stay out of the way.

*I just want to add to the above: when one of my daughters got invited to a sleepover birthday party a month after she'd started at a new middle school in 6th grade, I dropped her off and then stood next to the assistant principal, and told him "DD got invited to Arianna's birthday party, but it's a sleepover. Which one is Arianna? Do you know who else is going?" And bless this guy, because he immediately pointed out Arianna to me, and then saw a girl walking past him and said, "Hey Faith, what are you doing next weekend?" And Faith said she was going to the sleepover. So I got to look at both the birthday girl and another guest. The AP then told me Arianna's living situation (in terms of parents) and which other girls were in her and Faith's friend circle.

This is strange.

It wasn't strange. DD had been at the same school prior to that for six years. We knew everyone. Now she was at a new school where I knew like, two boys (that DD was not friends with). All the kids looked wild to me in the courtyard. I knew DD had made "friends" with the AP. So I asked him. She is now in 9th grade and is still friends with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was never allowed to go to sleepovers because my parents were immigrants and the entire concept seemed absurd to them.

There was a thread on this board a year or two ago about how sexual abuse and there were SO MANY posters who were abused at sleepover parties, not necessarily by fathers of other children but by older brothers and friends of older brothers as well. It has stayed in my memory ever since then and I'm not really sure whether I will let my child sleep over at another child's house.

People who were not sexually abused at sleepover parties (me, for example) are not likely to post. Just as it didn't make the news that I went to work on Tuesday and a pedestrian bridge didn't fall on me.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD is more likely to be abused by her own father than someone else's. Chew on that for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. I'd tell her "Let's plan that you can go. I'm going to drop you off. I'm going to walk into the house with you. If I get an uncomfortable feeling we're going to leave and you can't throw a fit."

Then call to RSVP and tell the mom "I'd really like to say yes. I've never let DD go to a sleepover before and am kind of nervous. Besides you and your husband are there any other adults in the house? Are there any guns in your home?"

But I've met lots of dads and they're all normal. And both my exhusband and current husband have been around for sleepovers. All four daughters have been having sleepovers since 4-6 yrs old (depending on when they asked/were invited) with no problem. Generally the dads get the food. They pick up the sushi or pizza, they cook the pancakes or waffles in the morning, they fix the connection when Netflix won't show up on tv. Other than that, and yelling at the girls to stop shrieking they stay out of the way.

*I just want to add to the above: when one of my daughters got invited to a sleepover birthday party a month after she'd started at a new middle school in 6th grade, I dropped her off and then stood next to the assistant principal, and told him "DD got invited to Arianna's birthday party, but it's a sleepover. Which one is Arianna? Do you know who else is going?" And bless this guy, because he immediately pointed out Arianna to me, and then saw a girl walking past him and said, "Hey Faith, what are you doing next weekend?" And Faith said she was going to the sleepover. So I got to look at both the birthday girl and another guest. The AP then told me Arianna's living situation (in terms of parents) and which other girls were in her and Faith's friend circle.

This is strange.

It wasn't strange. DD had been at the same school prior to that for six years. We knew everyone. Now she was at a new school where I knew like, two boys (that DD was not friends with). All the kids looked wild to me in the courtyard. I knew DD had made "friends" with the AP. So I asked him. She is now in 9th grade and is still friends with him.

It's strange for the Assistant Principal to give so much personal information, and if true, inappropriate. And even stranger that you'd ask the AP if he knew who else was going. How small was the school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is devastated because I told her she could not go to her friends sleepover bday party. I know the child's mom (she works with me) but I don't know her dad. Honestly, It makes me uncomfortable to just allow her to go. I don't know if there will be other adults in the house nor have I even been to their house! DD has never been to a sleepover and I explained to her my reasons for this, mostly being that of a safety concern. She is extremely upset and crying and saying that it's not fair! I suggested to meet her halfway and told her she could stay till about 10 or 11 and I could pick her up then. But she said that stupid and no one will be doing that. I know at some point these things will happen but I feel it should be someone I know better and know both the mom and the dad. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her go?

Yes, you are. Let her go!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

To the other poster’s point, I went to countless sleepovers growing up and I was never molested. Nor has my 8 year old DD ever been molested at a sleepover. I just never felt the need to post about it before today.

[Anonymous]

OP, what exactly is your concern? Are you afraid the house isn't in a safe area? Are you afraid that the girl's father will molest the guests? Are you afraid that she will get sick from food served?

Please tell us what your hesitation is, and what rationale it is based on, and we'll tell you if you are being overprotective.

If you just don't like the idea of sleepovers at this age, then yes, you're out of line. This is what kids do at this age.

We need more information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was never allowed to go to sleepovers because my parents were immigrants and the entire concept seemed absurd to them.

There was a thread on this board a year or two ago about how sexual abuse and there were SO MANY posters who were abused at sleepover parties, not necessarily by fathers of other children but by older brothers and friends of older brothers as well. It has stayed in my memory ever since then and I'm not really sure whether I will let my child sleep over at another child's house.

People who were not sexually abused at sleepover parties (me, for example) are not likely to post. Just as it didn't make the news that I went to work on Tuesday and a pedestrian bridge didn't fall on me.

I was fondled by an older brother at a sleepover as a child. I was in 2d grade. I probably would not have allowed such a sleepover (unless i knew the family very, very well) at that age. But, at 10, yes, I allow it. We've talked about what is inappropriate and not. She has a better sense of what to look out for and how to communicate it to me. She has a phone and I"ve told the parents that, it's fine to restrict electronics, but she is to be able to use it whenever she needs to to call/text me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. I'd tell her "Let's plan that you can go. I'm going to drop you off. I'm going to walk into the house with you. If I get an uncomfortable feeling we're going to leave and you can't throw a fit."

Then call to RSVP and tell the mom "I'd really like to say yes. I've never let DD go to a sleepover before and am kind of nervous. Besides you and your husband are there any other adults in the house? Are there any guns in your home?"

But I've met lots of dads and they're all normal. And both my exhusband and current husband have been around for sleepovers. All four daughters have been having sleepovers since 4-6 yrs old (depending on when they asked/were invited) with no problem. Generally the dads get the food. They pick up the sushi or pizza, they cook the pancakes or waffles in the morning, they fix the connection when Netflix won't show up on tv. Other than that, and yelling at the girls to stop shrieking they stay out of the way.

*I just want to add to the above: when one of my daughters got invited to a sleepover birthday party a month after she'd started at a new middle school in 6th grade, I dropped her off and then stood next to the assistant principal, and told him "DD got invited to Arianna's birthday party, but it's a sleepover. Which one is Arianna? Do you know who else is going?" And bless this guy, because he immediately pointed out Arianna to me, and then saw a girl walking past him and said, "Hey Faith, what are you doing next weekend?" And Faith said she was going to the sleepover. So I got to look at both the birthday girl and another guest. The AP then told me Arianna's living situation (in terms of parents) and which other girls were in her and Faith's friend circle.

This is strange.

It wasn't strange. DD had been at the same school prior to that for six years. We knew everyone. Now she was at a new school where I knew like, two boys (that DD was not friends with). All the kids looked wild to me in the courtyard. I knew DD had made "friends" with the AP. So I asked him. She is now in 9th grade and is still friends with him.

It's strange for the Assistant Principal to give so much personal information, and if true, inappropriate. And even stranger that you'd ask the AP if he knew who else was going. How small was the school?

He didn't give that much personal info - just what adults lived with her. Small school. Slightly over 300 kids, I think. And the AP was also DD's guidance counselor.

[Anonymous]

It is totally fine. Just tell the mom that we don't allow sleep overs and can I pick up my DD at 10:00. A few of my now middle school DD's friends still have this rule at their house. We accommodate with no issues and everyone has a nice time. If anything, it is a good excuse to start to corral the other kids that are staying the night and organize sleeping arrangements. Tell DD that you have already made this arrangement with the mom. She will be fine

[Anonymous]

OP give your child the tools she needs to keep herself safe then let her go.
I only have a 5yo but she has been on sleepovers to 2 different friends houses, both boys and both have Dads at home. We know the families really well. Both boys have slept at our house.
She knows to only change in the bathroom and to be alone when doing so, Use the bathroom with door closed, Dont walk into other parents bedrooms if doors are closed but can knock first if something urgent happens.
She also knows what is not ok and what is ok as far as physical contact with other people, she knows that private parts are private etc.
Your kid is older so you can get more in depth with her.

[Anonymous]

Ok, let's assume you had met the dad for a few times. Do you think people come on up in the open with info that shows them in a negative light? You'd be none the wiser to the stuff that REALLY goes on in their house, unless you know the family really really well, which means that essentially your daughter will be very limited in sleepovers. The best you can do is educate your daughter and make sure she can always reach you, no matter the time of day (or night) and... let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. I'd tell her "Let's plan that you can go. I'm going to drop you off. I'm going to walk into the house with you. If I get an uncomfortable feeling we're going to leave and you can't throw a fit."

Then call to RSVP and tell the mom "I'd really like to say yes. I've never let DD go to a sleepover before and am kind of nervous. Besides you and your husband are there any other adults in the house? Are there any guns in your home?"

But I've met lots of dads and they're all normal. And both my exhusband and current husband have been around for sleepovers. All four daughters have been having sleepovers since 4-6 yrs old (depending on when they asked/were invited) with no problem. Generally the dads get the food. They pick up the sushi or pizza, they cook the pancakes or waffles in the morning, they fix the connection when Netflix won't show up on tv. Other than that, and yelling at the girls to stop shrieking they stay out of the way.

*I just want to add to the above: when one of my daughters got invited to a sleepover birthday party a month after she'd started at a new middle school in 6th grade, I dropped her off and then stood next to the assistant principal, and told him "DD got invited to Arianna's birthday party, but it's a sleepover. Which one is Arianna? Do you know who else is going?" And bless this guy, because he immediately pointed out Arianna to me, and then saw a girl walking past him and said, "Hey Faith, what are you doing next weekend?" And Faith said she was going to the sleepover. So I got to look at both the birthday girl and another guest. The AP then told me Arianna's living situation (in terms of parents) and which other girls were in her and Faith's friend circle.

This is strange.

It wasn't strange. DD had been at the same school prior to that for six years. We knew everyone. Now she was at a new school where I knew like, two boys (that DD was not friends with). All the kids looked wild to me in the courtyard. I knew DD had made "friends" with the AP. So I asked him. She is now in 9th grade and is still friends with him.

It's strange for the Assistant Principal to give so much personal information, and if true, inappropriate. And even stranger that you'd ask the AP if he knew who else was going. How small was the school?

He didn't give that much personal info - just what adults lived with her. Small school. Slightly over 300 kids, I think. And the AP was also DD's guidance counselor.

Why should the AP talk about the homelife of another student, in any capacity, with you/anyone else outside that home? Out of bounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think so. I'd tell her "Let's plan that you can go. I'm going to drop you off. I'm going to walk into the house with you. If I get an uncomfortable feeling we're going to leave and you can't throw a fit."

Then call to RSVP and tell the mom "I'd really like to say yes. I've never let DD go to a sleepover before and am kind of nervous. Besides you and your husband are there any other adults in the house? Are there any guns in your home?"

But I've met lots of dads and they're all normal. And both my exhusband and current husband have been around for sleepovers. All four daughters have been having sleepovers since 4-6 yrs old (depending on when they asked/were invited) with no problem. Generally the dads get the food. They pick up the sushi or pizza, they cook the pancakes or waffles in the morning, they fix the connection when Netflix won't show up on tv. Other than that, and yelling at the girls to stop shrieking they stay out of the way.

*I just want to add to the above: when one of my daughters got invited to a sleepover birthday party a month after she'd started at a new middle school in 6th grade, I dropped her off and then stood next to the assistant principal, and told him "DD got invited to Arianna's birthday party, but it's a sleepover. Which one is Arianna? Do you know who else is going?" And bless this guy, because he immediately pointed out Arianna to me, and then saw a girl walking past him and said, "Hey Faith, what are you doing next weekend?" And Faith said she was going to the sleepover. So I got to look at both the birthday girl and another guest. The AP then told me Arianna's living situation (in terms of parents) and which other girls were in her and Faith's friend circle.

This is strange.

It wasn't strange. DD had been at the same school prior to that for six years. We knew everyone. Now she was at a new school where I knew like, two boys (that DD was not friends with). All the kids looked wild to me in the courtyard. I knew DD had made "friends" with the AP. So I asked him. She is now in 9th grade and is still friends with him.

It's strange for the Assistant Principal to give so much personal information, and if true, inappropriate. And even stranger that you'd ask the AP if he knew who else was going. How small was the school?

He didn't give that much personal info - just what adults lived with her. Small school. Slightly over 300 kids, I think. And the AP was also DD's guidance counselor.

Why should the AP talk about the homelife of another student, in any capacity, with you/anyone else outside that home? Out of bounds.

Because he was helping sixth grade girls make friends at a new school. It's that simple. He didn't tell me what anyone did for a living or any "gossip". Just that she lived with a dad and stepmom who he'd met once and they seemed like regular parents. I wouldn't have cared if he told some other parent that I was a single parent. You're making a big deal out of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Nope I never let my children go to sleepovers unless I was very close with the family.