Reply to Am I being overprotective? No sleepover policy at 10 years old

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[quote=Anonymous]Hard, hard post for me to write, but I have consciously never allowed my child to host sleepovers at our home when my husband is even in the house:  at 'alrger' sleepover parties, I took the kids to an Embassy Suites and we had room service, the indoor pool, in room 'pedi's' (given by yours truly), movies on tv, breakfast together, and 7 year old giggles galore (four girls and me in the suite).  My husband/DD's dad stayed home.  Subsequent sleepover for a team party:  I sent him to a hotel.  When she's had one or two friends, he's typically been out of town.

And here'w why:  DH is a functional alcoholic only 39 days sober.  I knew; my daughter began to realize; her friends began to see the dry drunk behavior (he did not drink in front of them other than a glass of wine at dinner, but still....).  I don't drink at all anymore (mother is an alcoholic, brother a functional alcoholic, DH, and I know I am co-dependent fighting hard against my own co-dependent baggage that I carry for myself and others (which I shouldn't).

Anyway, I simply felt that without being able to predict what *could* happen and knowing that eventually, my husband's alcoholism would 'out' and knowing increasingly I had to stop treating dysfunction and disease as 'normal,' I simply didn't let the sleepovers happen or unfold as I wished they could.  DH now is beginning to understand why; I told him, of course, back in the day, but those were the days of denial, gaslighting, and more.....

Do I have regrets?  Yep.  Do I wish things had been different?  Of course.  Do I feel like I did the best I could, all the years that we did...I hope so, I really do.  Intervention after failed intervention; heartbreak after heartbreak; coming to terms that I could never again leave DD alone with DH because I could not trust him to be a responsible parent (and still cannot -- this is a LONG process and we've been together a LONG time....)

Here's the relevance, though:  OP, I get your caution.  I'm not trying to scare you.  Whether it's alcoholism or substance abuse or the brother's best friend or the brother or the father or the cruel mother or the...I don't know, you name it: houses have secrets.  Even those that seem safest can be most frightening.  (Trust me, as my husband establishes his sobriety, we continue to get stares of open disbelief, statements like 'Are you *sure* you're not just overreacting to this?' and 'Well, you probably did something to cause it' (did I mention dysfunction :)?  If you're not comfortable with DD's sleeping over elsewhere, your gut may be telling you something.

And at the risk of being presumptuous:  if there's something in DD's own world that has you or her a little more on edge then perhaps your gut is telling you she's dealing with enough of her own 'stuff' at home without energy for any more surprises elsewhere.  I will tell you that our DD"s separation anxiety is often sky-high and that even at her most recent sleepover she called to be picked up at 11:30 PM, too much anxiety.  It sucks, just like her devastation at being told 'no sleepovers' sucks (for her) but there may be something to your own fears that's making this the right call for y'all, right now.

Good luck.[/quote]

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