Am I being overprotective? No sleepover policy at 10 years old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes me sad to think of what your daughter could be missing out on. I was allowed to sleep over a friend’s house starting in 2nd grade. It was a party with a number of girls I knew since preschool. Through high school my girlfriends and I would have sleepovers every so often and after prom. Some of my friends’ parents are like second parents to me to this day and I’m sorry for your daughter if she misses out on having mentors and responsible adults she can look up to, as well as close relationships with girlfriends.

In my opinion you’re overly hung up on the bad, and not looking at what good can come of it.

Yes! My best friend had a terrific father and I will cherish that family and all the conversations we had.

[Anonymous]

I was never allowed to sleep at a friends house as a child. I immigrated here at age 6 and my parents felt it could be unsafe. If you feel uneasy about it, don't let her sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was never allowed to go to sleepovers because my parents were immigrants and the entire concept seemed absurd to them.

There was a thread on this board a year or two ago about how sexual abuse and there were SO MANY posters who were abused at sleepover parties, not necessarily by fathers of other children but by older brothers and friends of older brothers as well. It has stayed in my memory ever since then and I'm not really sure whether I will let my child sleep over at another child's house.

I would not. But maybe because I have read too many sex abuse habeas cases. Many o the sex offenders have yet to get caught. Why create a crime of opportunity. They can sleep over in a group camping trip, or at the Zoo or Smithsonians.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget guns in the home or

"Pet store owner charged with criminal negligence after his 100lb python strangled to death two young brothers during a sleepover"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3019852/Canada-police-charge-man-deaths-boys-killed-python.html

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/06/world/americas/canada-snake-deaths/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is devastated because I told her she could not go to her friends sleepover bday party. I know the child's mom (she works with me) but I don't know her dad. Honestly, It makes me uncomfortable to just allow her to go. I don't know if there will be other adults in the house nor have I even been to their house! DD has never been to a sleepover and I explained to her my reasons for this, mostly being that of a safety concern. She is extremely upset and crying and saying that it's not fair! I suggested to meet her halfway and told her she could stay till about 10 or 11 and I could pick her up then. But she said that stupid and no one will be doing that. I know at some point these things will happen but I feel it should be someone I know better and know both the mom and the dad. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her go?

Say to yourself, out loud: "I'm not letting my ten-year-old daughter go to my co-worker's daughter's sleepover birthday party because I don't know my co-worker's husband and I've never been to their house."

Does that sound reasonable to you?





That’s a reasonable way to look at it. I work with some lovely women but have heard horror stories about their spouses/significant others. There are many co-workers who I would NOT let my kid sleep at their houses! No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is devastated because I told her she could not go to her friends sleepover bday party. I know the child's mom (she works with me) but I don't know her dad. Honestly, It makes me uncomfortable to just allow her to go. I don't know if there will be other adults in the house nor have I even been to their house! DD has never been to a sleepover and I explained to her my reasons for this, mostly being that of a safety concern. She is extremely upset and crying and saying that it's not fair! I suggested to meet her halfway and told her she could stay till about 10 or 11 and I could pick her up then. But she said that stupid and no one will be doing that. I know at some point these things will happen but I feel it should be someone I know better and know both the mom and the dad. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her go?

Yes I'd let her go!!!! Yes you're unreasonable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is devastated because I told her she could not go to her friends sleepover bday party. I know the child's mom (she works with me) but I don't know her dad. Honestly, It makes me uncomfortable to just allow her to go. I don't know if there will be other adults in the house nor have I even been to their house! DD has never been to a sleepover and I explained to her my reasons for this, mostly being that of a safety concern. She is extremely upset and crying and saying that it's not fair! I suggested to meet her halfway and told her she could stay till about 10 or 11 and I could pick her up then. But she said that stupid and no one will be doing that. I know at some point these things will happen but I feel it should be someone I know better and know both the mom and the dad. Am I being unreasonable? Would you let her go?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate sleepovers.

But if you plan on doing them, I would rather you talk to your daughter about YELLING if someone inappropriately touches her. Most assaults in that context happen when the child is too scared or embarrassed to make a scene.

Yes - and give her a phone and tell her to call or text you if there are any issues. Have a talk about inappropriate behavior first.
Let her go, and make sure to stay around for a half hour is so at the house before you leave? Bring over some appetizers and have the Mom show you around the house some? You could tell her that this is DD’s first sleepover and you’d like to make sure that she will be comfortable?

You should let her go to sleepovers soon - she’s almost past the age entirely!

Interesting the PPs who talk about kids having a phone. When I have tweens/teens over I collect the cell phones. I show everyone where the home phones are and tell them they are welcome to use the home phone if they need to make a call, or to come and ask for their phones. I'm far more concerned about cyber bullying and sexting with this group. If someone is worried that their parents will need to contact them, we text the parents the home phone number and they can call that if they need to get in touch. Most parents and kids are okay with our policy. I understand that this is a leap of faith/trust for some, but most parents recognize the reason we collect the phones and understand the reasoning behind it. They are all comfortable calling our house phone and understand it is available for their girls to call them if necessary. Once a parent was not comfortable with the phones being collected and using the house phone, that child did not spend the night. I found out later that she sent some pretty mean texts to my DD from a future sleep over that my DD was not involved in, it made me feel like we made the right decision sticking to our house rules.

[Anonymous]

Do bad things happen? Yes. Are they the norm on sleepovers, if you do a modicum of due diligence and arm your daughter with knowledge and strategies? Absolutely not.

I learned a lot from spending the night at people's homes. It was an intimate look at how people live differently than my family. It's not re-creatable by leaving at 11 p.m. I loved those mornings when we were still in our PJs, all the girls around the breakfast table while mom or dad made french toast or got out the cereal or whatever. Or there were those families who had the kids do everything on their own! That was shocking, watching all the kids fend for themselves (my mother was more full service than that.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

I hate when people who are bad at math try to use statistics against me. Statistically, your child is more likely to be abused by a member of your family. The next most likely abuser would be someone your child knows well and looks up to, like a close friend of the family. Someone you trust.

Yes, and the corollary of those stats are that it might means “knowing someone really well” doesn’t provide assurance that they aren’t a huge creep deep down. I have little kids so haven’t had to cross their bridge and so don’t have an opinion on if you are being overprotective or not, OP, but if your plan to prevent this from ever happening is to get to know people super well... that might be shortsighted. Arming your daughter with the right tools and info, as others have suggested, to make sure she always feels comfortable and that she can reach out to you the moment she isn’t comfortable, seems the much better route to me.

People really need to get over preconceived notions of safety because they are usually wrong: Nasser. Catholic Church. Jerry Sandusky. These were trusted adults taking advantage of kids over a long period of time. At a girls sleepover of that age, there is zero interest in the dad unless he's dropping off pizza. Assuming all men are creeps is pretty sad. You know the mom; if you trust her, by extension don't you trust her husband?

You cannot hover forever. If you are always "protecting" her, she will be incapable of making reasonable decisions on her own later. She needs small steps toward independence. Some of these posters offer great advice about talking to her about appropriate behavior. Since it would be her first, offer to pick her up if she changes her mind at any time while at the party.

That said, if it's so important she not to go, consider a consolation sleepover offer at your house or a one-on-one with someone you consider appropriate.

[Anonymous]

OP! follow your instincts; it's your child. You are your child's protector!

My parents are immigrants (Caribbean/black) and I was never allowed to go to sleepovers. My dad would say, "why do you want to sleep in someone else's bed." lol

My husband and I allowed our kids to attend sleepovers ONLY if we knew and interacted with BOTH parents. If we didnt know both parents, we would let them go over and pick them up around 9 or 10PM. Our kids (21,23,25) still laugh about it.

[Anonymous]

I was exposed to porn when I was at a sleepover at 8 years old, and I was assaulted at another sleepover when I was 12. My daughter will never be allowed to attend sleepovers, and I don't need DCUM to validate my decision.

[Anonymous]

I was also exposed to both porn and pretty hardcore "sexting" type of stuff at sleepovers. And this was in a group of fairly innocent-seeming girls who did well at school and were never in any trouble. Plus hard drugs at other sleepovers. I've never been assaulted but I absolutely believe that others have been, and I can see how these things can so easily happen.

I don't think I'll be comfortable with my kids sleeping over unless I knew both parents well and also knew the kids pretty well. Also not until they're at least teenagers. The exact age would probably depend on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-- Just because you know someone doesn't mean that they aren't a molester. They aren't going to tell you, and there isn't a "molester look."

Agreed. Think Dr. Nassir and all the gymnast girls/women. Weinstein had a wife and kids. Prior to everything being public, she would have vouched and swore up and down her husband was a standup man who would not hurt a fly. He had a wife and three kids. The wife probably thought he was swell. I have read hundreds of court cases and many molesters do not get caught after the 10th time. There is not a big red sign hanging over their head. If you read the profile of "SVPs" (sexually violent predators who have civil commitment after prison) many are college educated, very sophisticated and charming. There are certain closed environments of trust that can be exploited by a predator. Predators transform safe places and exploit them. There is NOTHING that can happen at a sleepover that cannot happen when everyone is out in the open and awake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe you aren’t getting mote responses telling you that it is very reasonable to not want your daughter to spend the night at the house of a stranger. I would never let my child spend the night at a house if I didn’t know both parents very well, as in friends that we hang out with all the time and have gotten to know really well. With the statistics out there about child abuse it seems that more people would want to protect their children. Once someone is abused/molested you can’t take your decision back. Take her to the party and meet the Dad, and then pick her up at 10:00.

I hate when people who are bad at math try to use statistics against me. Statistically, your child is more likely to be abused by a member of your family. The next most likely abuser would be someone your child knows well and looks up to, like a close friend of the family. Someone you trust.

Yes, and the corollary of those stats are that it might means “knowing someone really well” doesn’t provide assurance that they aren’t a huge creep deep down. I have little kids so haven’t had to cross their bridge and so don’t have an opinion on if you are being overprotective or not, OP, but if your plan to prevent this from ever happening is to get to know people super well... that might be shortsighted. Arming your daughter with the right tools and info, as others have suggested, to make sure she always feels comfortable and that she can reach out to you the moment she isn’t comfortable, seems the much better route to me.

People really need to get over preconceived notions of safety because they are usually wrong: Nasser. Catholic Church. Jerry Sandusky. These were trusted adults taking advantage of kids over a long period of time. At a girls sleepover of that age, there is zero interest in the dad unless he's dropping off pizza. Assuming all men are creeps is pretty sad. You know the mom; if you trust her, by extension don't you trust her husband?

You cannot hover forever. If you are always "protecting" her, she will be incapable of making reasonable decisions on her own later. She needs small steps toward independence. Some of these posters offer great advice about talking to her about appropriate behavior. Since it would be her first, offer to pick her up if she changes her mind at any time while at the party.

That said, if it's so important she not to go, consider a consolation sleepover offer at your house or a one-on-one with someone you consider appropriate.

It is not the assumption that all men are creeps. But that settings where there is more privacy and vulnerability are where creepy stuff can occur, so avoid the setting.