My wife is an entitled bum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be the lone female dissenter here and say she should clean up after you cook. My DH does this, even when I was a sahm. Do you have a dishwasher? Why can't she just load everything in there and turn it on? If you don't have one, get a small portable one and just dump everything in there.

Does she want you to cook? Would she be just as happy getting takeout or eating something simple? If cooking elaborate meals is your hobby and outlet and it's creating more work than is necessary for the household - then that's on you. Use the dishwasher.

She also needs to get over herself in terms of help - you either woman up and clean yourself, or get over the objection to hiring it out

I was thinking this too. How much of the cooking is something she expects or wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're good looking, start looking for a woman on the side and threaten an affair if she doesn't buck up. This is ridiculous. She's using you

For dinner and dishes?

OP I'd be irritated too but this is a problem with an easy solution. That you haven't just hired a cleaner but would rather threaten divorce over making her dinner (when she makes you lunch), means this relationship was never going to last anyway. Pull off the bandaid and get it over with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP HEre;

This took some type of turn.
I actually also work a high pressure job, she's just in a more lucrative field.
I am also not expecting her to do half the work. I recognize she works more than me and brings in more cash. That isn't lost on me.
I cook, and not just crap meals, but decent stuff that takes preparation in the morning as well.
I am simply expecting her to do some things around the house. Like doing the dishes after I am done (yes, i do leave dishes overnight like an asshole, i do rinse most of them though)
I expect her to clean up from time to time.
The reason we don't have cleaners come on the weekends is because both of us don't want to stay home.

IT's also not as if she works 9-8 daily, lately its been 9-7, while i've been at work about the same time. It's also not as if i make no cash. She is just an attorney at a big firm and i work as an attorney at a smaller place.

We got into a fight this morning about this, which is why i called her a bum. I do regret that, but I still think she is taking advantage of me. She isn't a mean spirited and is grateful for the food i make. But instead of thanks, and delicious, i would like more help from time to time.

And we're likely not having kids. 1st world problems here.
People here are always quick to attack.

You two can't stay home for a few hours for your cleaners even once a month? Are you sure you're not looking for excuses to leave her?

+1

With two adults and cats, you really only need cleaners once a month. Sure, twice a month would be ideal, but once is good enough.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you, OP - this doesn't sound fair or like a healthy relationship where each person cares about how the other feels.

In our house, if one is "working, both are working" is pretty much what we try to do unless someone cries uncle and says they need some additional downtime. So if DH gets home two hours after me, I expect to be pretty productive during those two hours (cooking dinner, helping kids, with homework, etc.). And if someone helps put the kids to bed, then the other is working on dinner dishes, etc. If there is still work to be done after the kids go to bed, then the other should offer to help (clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, etc.). If one person sits on their bum while the other person runs around like a chicken with its head cut off, then that just isn't right.

Everyone needs downtime - including you. If your wife needs that morning junk TV time to decompress, then she should continue that as her routine, but no way should you be cleaning the kitchen while she is sitting around watching TV, etc.

Also sometimes we use that kitchen clean up time as time to chat and catch up. Why aren't you spending time together in the evenings?

Just because she earns more money than you does NOT give her a 'pass' from helping around the house. If she doesn't want to hire help, then she needs to do her part around the house.

[Anonymous]

Why are you cooking and tidying up on daily basis? You don’t have kids, you’re both at work, who is creating the mess in an empty house? Are the two of you that messy in the AM? I just don’t get why you have so much housework created by 2 working adults.

Hire someone to come clean weekly, and just don’t cook everyday. Double the meals so that gets it down to 3 / week, and throw I a take away or a sandwich night and you’re down to cooking 1 or 2 / week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman in your position, although I work the longer hours. Do you plan on having kids? Kids triple your workload (at least), and your DW isn’t likely to change after kids arrive. Even worse, she may decide to SAH but continue to do no work around the house.

If you want kids, I’d get out. Life is really hard with someone who isn’t a functioning adult.

i second this. also look at how her mom or sisters live. if they are all pigs, you know the default state of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll or not, OP has shown that the hypocrisy of some women knows no bounds.

How? Women who don't want to do housework are advised to outsource all the time (every time), and their husbands usually aren't packing their lunches. OP has 10 extra hours of free time in his week, so he should be doing more of the housework. He shouldn't be doing all of it, which is why everyone agrees his wife is being unreasonable by vetoing a cleaning service.

I'm one who thought OP was a troll trying to prove ~reverse sexism~ but the thread didn't even work out that way. Everyone's saying the same thing they always say; the genders are just reversed.

Women are calling him names for expecting her to do some housework, telling him to deal with it, telling him he is an asshole for not "cleaning as he goes" and leaving dishes after he cooked and cleaned, Etc etc. Please. By all means, pretend you don't get it.

He even said she refuses to hire someone. Doesn't matter, he's still an asshole.

Some of you bring up the fact that she makes a lot more money and works 2 hrs longer. Try flipping that around. Exhausted woman who works 2 hrs less and makes 50% of her lazy bum DH who does no work at home. You women would be tearing his butt apart.

Who knows whether he's a troll but many posters are reacting exactly as expected.

And yet he hasn't been called a golddigger or asked if he deserves it for getting fat, but sure. Men are the saddest.

Exactly one person called him an asshole. All the other advice is spot-on identical to these posts with the genders flipped, but you still really want to feel put upon.

Bullsh*t. Poster after poster keep +1ing the comment calling him an asshole. It's truly the comment getting the most support. It's uncalled for and a total double standard among some of you women.

You're super pathetic for pretending not to see it.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't clean during time I set aside for myself either. What's wrong with doing stuff on the weekend? Just because you clean every day doesn't mean she needs to.

[Anonymous]

She is not an entitled bum. Rather, she is a slob.

the answer is to ask her to do specific things, and hire cleaners. With no kids and a 2k square foot row house it shouldn't be that onerous.

FWIW, dh is a slob and doesn't tidy up---although he does dishes and laundry--but leaves his crap all over, never opens mail, never sweeps, never ever cleans the bathroom, etc, his car looks like a trash can, he leaves on every single light, opens cabinets without closing them and will, without fail, not close the shower curtain properly so it dries but leaves it scrunched up. He also has more time than I do--he works from home and definitely has days where he has lots of free time. He also doesn't cook, although does do lunches for the kids, breakfast and will occasionally make burgers or pasta for dinner. I could stew about it--and I have--but life is short. We outsource heavy duty cleaning, I ask him to do more errands, and I do more cleaning and cooking. Its not worth divorce.

[Anonymous]

Geez, OP. I understand your frustration but don’t call your wife names! That’s so disrespectful and contemptuous.

Why don’t you sit down this weekend, take a look at the household budget, and figure out what you need to do to make it possible to hire a housekeeper who does some cooking and grocery shopping. The two of you make decent money, have no kids, and it sounds like you don’t live in a giant house— I’m sure you can afford this.

Your wife working slightly longer hours and bringing in more money doesn’t justify this situation. At the same time, you’re acting like a martyr. Just accept that you _both_ have stressful jobs and getting someone to help out will make things much happier in your home.

[Anonymous]

I think you probably both feel like you're being taken advantage of. You feel like she's taking advantage of your cooking and cleaning, and she probably feels like you're taking advantage of her work and income.

It's not a good state for anyone...the question is how bad you want to save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you stopped cooking every night I'm sure she'd find a way to feed herself and would probably appreciate not being pressured about doing dishes.
It's great if you are doing something someone really wants and appreciates, but if you aren't you don't get to call them entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you probably both feel like you're being taken advantage of. You feel like she's taking advantage of your cooking and cleaning, and she probably feels like you're taking advantage of her work and income.

It's not a good state for anyone...the question is how bad you want to save your marriage.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you probably both feel like you're being taken advantage of. You feel like she's taking advantage of your cooking and cleaning, and she probably feels like you're taking advantage of her work and income.

It's not a good state for anyone...the question is how bad you want to save your marriage.

This.

I see a lot of myself in your wife. I work longer than DH and earn more. I am not a slob but don't mind a little bit of clutter. DH needs it spotless all of the time. He is also very controlling about chores. For example, he will redo this dishwasher after I do it, even though I made through my entire adult life before him doing it my way and it was just fine.

He needs to be the chore martyr, so I let him. Perhaps you are the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoever makes the most and works the longest, does the least. Sorry, that's the unspoken rule.

This!