Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you want to live in denial. A "bro trip" where all other SO are invited is not a BRO trip. It's a trip with a group of friends. You seem to want to believe that your poor DH simply got caught up in his lies and that's that. You need to face the reality that he's a manipulator. He is going to tell you exactly what you want to hear, and he knows you'll just eat it right up. Gets some self esteem and recognize him for the snake he is. You say you don't want to break up the family, but do you rreally want your kids growing up thinking this is normal in a relationship? That a guy who manipulates people and treats his wife like garbage is "sweet"?

[Anonymous]

Oops, I did it again. For four years.

[Anonymous]

He does not even want to make the effort to write the letters and the emails? Really? How can you put up with this! Do you work? Did you go to school? How old were you when you married him? I just can’t believe anyone I know would be in this situation let alone put up with it

[Anonymous]

These friends are assholes and they need to go.

[Anonymous]

I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

This is why he’s panicking.

Up until now his stories of being trapped in a bad marriage provided cover for bringing his AP on the Bro trips and to hang out with the guys. The affairs also explain why two friends don’t want to see him until he gets divorced. Some people can look the other way and even become enablers, some people cant.

Still, I can imagine it wouldn’t go over well if he told the friends that he was the a$$hole and really just wanted to use them to hide his affairs. That’s why he can’t have a conversation with the friends about this. He can’t just say “Sorry guys, this got out of hand, none of the horrible things I said about Larla are true.” Then he risks someone speaking up about the affairs or at the very least refusing to cover for him. Then he has to give up the affairs and he really really doesn’t want to do that.

The biggest indicator that there’s an affair or affairs are the two friends who want nothing to do with him until he gets divorced. They don’t want to support cheating and are staying away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

This is why he’s panicking.

Up until now his stories of being trapped in a bad marriage provided cover for bringing his AP on the Bro trips and to hang out with the guys. The affairs also explain why two friends don’t want to see him until he gets divorced. Some people can look the other way and even become enablers, some people cant.

Still, I can imagine it wouldn’t go over well if he told the friends that he was the a$$hole and really just wanted to use them to hide his affairs. That’s why he can’t have a conversation with the friends about this. He can’t just say “Sorry guys, this got out of hand, none of the horrible things I said about Larla are true.” Then he risks someone speaking up about the affairs or at the very least refusing to cover for him. Then he has to give up the affairs and he really really doesn’t want to do that.

The biggest indicator that there’s an affair or affairs are the two friends who want nothing to do with him until he gets divorced. They don’t want to support cheating and are staying away.

This theory makes a lot of sense, OP. I hope you'll at least consider the possibility. Perhaps as one of the two friends directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me.

This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now.

I'm flabbergasted by your tepid and odd response to this whole mess and suspect your DH was being truthful to his friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me.

This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now.

I'm flabbergasted by your tepid and odd response to this whole mess and suspect your DH was being truthful to his friends.

Yup. Your DH has no respect for you and thinks poorly of you. I'm guessing you do a lot around the house? He's the fun dad? I find it so sad you are so naive to what's going on.

[Anonymous]

The chocolate milk wedding toast was so appropriate considering you all act like a bunch of little kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ll be honest : I think the ship has sailed on any possibility of your relationship thriving in the future, unless he does some kind of miraculous 180.

He’s not willing to come clean or do any of the hard work to help rectify/ resolve what he’s done. He wants you to write the emails because they allow him omcontinue his narrative of you being the ball and chain and “making” him do things. He doesn’t want to give up his friends because he doesn’t care about how you actually feel.

Yes u and your children deserve better. You deserve a man who is proud to have you on his arm, and one who wants you to be a part of his friend circle. Your children deserve a father that loves their mother and sees her as his equal and partner.

[Anonymous]

Op, do you work? Have a life outside of family? Get an education beyond high school? You sound like a very immature, sheltered, and childish adult.

[Anonymous]

I'd get an STD test. The foundation of a marriage is love and trust. His actions have shattered both.

[Anonymous]

You need to Do the 180. Google it!!

That guy isn't sweet at all he's a flaming asshole. I would rather be alone with my kids forever than be with a dickweed like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

This is why he’s panicking.

Up until now his stories of being trapped in a bad marriage provided cover for bringing his AP on the Bro trips and to hang out with the guys. The affairs also explain why two friends don’t want to see him until he gets divorced. Some people can look the other way and even become enablers, some people cant.

Still, I can imagine it wouldn’t go over well if he told the friends that he was the a$$hole and really just wanted to use them to hide his affairs. That’s why he can’t have a conversation with the friends about this. He can’t just say “Sorry guys, this got out of hand, none of the horrible things I said about Larla are true.” Then he risks someone speaking up about the affairs or at the very least refusing to cover for him. Then he has to give up the affairs and he really really doesn’t want to do that.

The biggest indicator that there’s an affair or affairs are the two friends who want nothing to do with him until he gets divorced. They don’t want to support cheating and are staying away.

This theory makes a lot of sense, OP. I hope you'll at least consider the possibility. Perhaps as one of the two friends directly?

I completely agree with this. OP, your husband is boinking every bimbo he can get his paws on and his friends are sick of his crap. That's what's put the fear of god into him, he knows his cover is going to get blown soon. Get an STD check as soon as possible, stop sleeping with him, and demand that he come clean with his friends HIMSELF! Guarantee he'll refuse because he knows what will happen if he does.