S/o Are your kids paying for your sins? (Adultery) - AMA

[Anonymous]

Mom had multiple affairs since I was five. Had a long term AP that she took me on dates with, he would come to the house. Dad was traveling for work. She had later APs that I knew of too, and I only started realizing it was bad around 8 and since then, had deep resentment. Dad's head was in the sand. She stayed to keep the family together I guess, and financial security?

I've since had a few ok relationships, but generally am attracted to unavailable partners who I get bored with once the high drama of initial romance is over.

I'm 37, single, and scared to commit. Anxiety and depression. Totally untrusting. Can't help but think I'm paying for her sins.

[Anonymous]

You are doomed.

[Anonymous]

You are in a way, but so are we all. We are ALL the product of imperfect families, albeit to different degrees.

Own it and move on.

[Anonymous]

That is stone cold. Did you ever confront her about it when you became an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is stone cold. Did you ever confront her about it when you became an adult?

Yes, for sure. She talked about the emotional (and physical) unavailability she faced with my dad. At times, I honestly started to understand where she was coming from. I felt sorry for her! From this forum. it seems like most people would suggest "leave" or "open the relationship". But she truly had a sense of loyalty to my dad somewhere deep inside, and in fact they are still together and she takes care of him.

It's really confusing. There was a time in my 20s where I lived with my brother. It was his place, so I had no say when she would use his room (with his permission) to meet her AP. A therapist I was seeing at the time said I was helping to emotionally kill my own father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is stone cold. Did you ever confront her about it when you became an adult?

Yes, for sure. She talked about the emotional (and physical) unavailability she faced with my dad. At times, I honestly started to understand where she was coming from. I felt sorry for her! From this forum. it seems like most people would suggest "leave" or "open the relationship". But she truly had a sense of loyalty to my dad somewhere deep inside, and in fact they are still together and she takes care of him.

It's really confusing. There was a time in my 20s where I lived with my brother. It was his place, so I had no say when she would use his room (with his permission) to meet her AP. A therapist I was seeing at the time said I was helping to emotionally kill my own father.

Whoa. It's one thing to cheat, it's another thing to be open and blatant about it in front of your children (and husband?) and an entirely NEW LEVEL for using your son'd bed to have sex?!!

I'd continue therapy.

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds maybe psychopathic. You have to separate yourself from her wrongdoings. You are not her. Your future SO is not her. Believe that you can trust others, even though you couldn't trust her!

[Anonymous]

Please - go far away from your family and crazy therapists and just try to live your life, neurosis free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds maybe psychopathic. You have to separate yourself from her wrongdoings. You are not her. Your future SO is not her. Believe that you can trust others, even though you couldn't trust her!

Thank you. Some mental illness is definitely in there. The trust thing is hard. What's nuts is how much everyone she meets loves her. I saw her as an example of how to attract people for years. I don't know how much adultery affects children as they grow up, there doesn't seem to be a lot of resources. A therapist suggested reading "adult children of alcoholics" so maybe the issues are similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom sounds maybe psychopathic. You have to separate yourself from her wrongdoings. You are not her. Your future SO is not her. Believe that you can trust others, even though you couldn't trust her!

Thank you. Some mental illness is definitely in there. The trust thing is hard. What's nuts is how much everyone she meets loves her. I saw her as an example of how to attract people for years. I don't know how much adultery affects children as they grow up, there doesn't seem to be a lot of resources. A therapist suggested reading "adult children of alcoholics" so maybe the issues are similar.

Yes, read it because like children of alcoholics, you grew up not knowing what normal is. Read that book and read about boundaries. Once you have the emotional tools in place, you should feel more confident about your own relationships. I think Dr. Phil said it best when he said trust is not about others, it’s about trusting yourself to be able to handle what comes your way.

[Anonymous]

Get professional help and cut you disgusting mother out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is stone cold. Did you ever confront her about it when you became an adult?

Yes, for sure. She talked about the emotional (and physical) unavailability she faced with my dad. At times, I honestly started to understand where she was coming from. I felt sorry for her! From this forum. it seems like most people would suggest "leave" or "open the relationship". But she truly had a sense of loyalty to my dad somewhere deep inside, and in fact they are still together and she takes care of him.

It's really confusing. There was a time in my 20s where I lived with my brother. It was his place, so I had no say when she would use his room (with his permission) to meet her AP. A therapist I was seeing at the time said I was helping to emotionally kill my own father.

I hope you've found a new therapist. Your mother was wrong, especially for involving her kids, but your father's choices were also his own and you are in no way responsible for them.

[Anonymous]

This kind of sounds like your mom was hooking.

[Anonymous]

My sister's husband's mother did the exact same thing. She has three sons, the oldest has severe mental problems and is on disability, my brother-in-law had to be put in a mental hospital and is also on disability, and the youngest is very OCD about everything in his life, and everything has to be perfect. She actually shot their dad in the leg once during an argument. It messed all of them up. My brother-in-law is very controlling, has cheated on my sister many times, and she still stays because she said it's easier to stay than to leave. So yes, I think they are paying dearly.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one here that thinks their parent's behavior had zero effect on them? My dad was an angry alcoholic and my mom was a vicious, selfish beauty queen. I'm pretty damn normal.