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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  The woman's husband found out in early December.  They had been on the rocks for a long time; he was suspicious of her, so he put a recording device in their bedroom.  She's a SAHM, kids are in school, and he recorded a suspicious phone conversation between her and my husband.  He called my husband at work soon thereafter and basically said "see you in hell" and said if my husband and the woman had any further contact, it would mean divorce in his family.  So the lovers have stopped talking.  My husband has promised me he will not contact her, and will tell me immediately if he hears from her.  I doubt their marriage will survive; she is a chronic flirt, starved for attention, bored housewife in a foreign city.  She lives a commuter flight distance from DC, and that is how their two sexual encounters happened.  Once in August she flew to DC and they shacked up in a Airbnb for a weekday, then in October he flew to her city on a weekday for sex and deep emotional conversations, seeking refuge in one another, because they have been dear friends for decades and trusted each other.  He says it was so easy to talk to her, and she was vulnerable, and there was a mutual physical attraction, thus the sex.  But they talked and agreed that blowing up their marriages would be too catastrophic, would hurt too many people.  So they agree they need to get over each other, although it will be hard because of the longstanding bond.  We are each starting individual counseling as well as couples therapy.  I know I need to work on my sexual appetite, but right now I'm so upset and confused that I don't know if I will ever want to get naked with him again.  I hope we can start fresh and fall in love again.  But I guess only time will tell.  I hope I can trust him again.  But at least he is devoted to maintaining an intact family, as am I.  We want that for our precious children.

All of your comments, even the mean ones, are so helpful to me right now.  Please keep them coming.

[/quote]

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but don't trust him.  He was caught by his friend.  If he hadn't been caught, he'd still be planning trips to go sleep with this woman.

And that's an important point: He FLEW to another city to sleep with another woman -- for the sole purpose of sleeping with another woman.  I'm sorry, but he does not sound dedicated to keeping his family intact.  If he were dedicated, he wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to cheat.  This isn't a situation where there was an opportunity and he had a moment of weakness.  This was incredibly premeditated.

You are being WAY too easy on him, which means he'll cheat again because he is learning now that you won't leave him, you won't even hold him accountable.

I think you'd be better off asking him to leave the house for a while.  Tell him that you love your kids, but a marriage can't exist without trust, and the onus is on him to earn that back.  He needs to see that there are consequences.  Otherwise, he's going to cheat again.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the first instance of cheating.  And don't say, "Well, he said it wasn't."  You can't trust what he says because he didn't tell you any of this until his friend caught him.  [/quote]

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