Would you give a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

This is an interesting take on things. I could see things having happened this way, and I think that's because, to be honest, I can't stand my mil (she and I are very very different) and I have done the mean girl thing with my mom before. My mil didn't cry and make a scene but she acts like a martyr and publicly says that I don't like her. We bring out the worst in each other, so I've cut my interactions with her to a minimum. What's wrong with OP doing the same? You can't have a great relationship with everyone.

That's true -- you can't have a great relationship with everyone. But OP's inability to reel in her mean girl activities does mean that she is depriving her children of a chance to get to know one of their grandmothers. And that is horrible. OP needs to learn to put her own feelings aside for the benefit of her children. Especially since it seems like she contrived this situation to make her MIL come out as an emotional wreck but it was at the expense of her own kids.

How so? She's suggesting a visit to a cider mill with JUST the ILs. Her own parents won't be there. Now is she depriving her own children of anything, just because she would rather not risk a repeat of last year at the festival, especially when her husband won't be there to run interference? So she does THIS event alone with her parents only, and plans the cider mill day with HIS parents. I don't see how anyone loses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, devils advocate here. If I'm anxious about something, sometimes I get emotional. Maybe she is anxious about not having a relationship with her grandkids and she lost it. I would give her another chance, but just invite her this time and not your mom (invite your mom to another cool event).

My sil treats my mil so poorly and then wonders why they aren't close, she blames it on mil but it's so much her. It can't ever hurt to extend an olive branch, but don't set her up for a similar situation. Grandparents aren't around forever, it's not worth to hold a grudge in my opinion.

FYI: No one is around forever

[Anonymous]

Did she apologize to your mother ?
See, it is one thing for me to get past this with my MIL.
But you had better put on your big girl panties and say sorry to my mom.
Grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

Wow, talk about entitlement! So, now missing one event is the nuclear option??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

[Anonymous]

Wait, can someone explain why ALL events have to include all family members? Why? Why can't some be done together, some be done with his family, some with hers. I mean, why the jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

+1

I think the two of you are ignoring the fact that OP and her mom goaded the MIL into crying. There is nothing kind or "bigger person" about that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

+1

I think the two of you are ignoring the fact that OP and her mom goaded the MIL into crying. There is nothing kind or "bigger person" about that kind of behavior.

Even if this is true. Why is the solution doing the same thing at the kids school AGAIN this year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

+1

I think the two of you are ignoring the fact that OP and her mom goaded the MIL into crying. There is nothing kind or "bigger person" about that kind of behavior.

Just stop. Nobody can goad my mom or my mil into crying in public at their grandkids' event excluding a death, terrible news or something. OP is not responsible even if she were "excluding" mil. So gross that anyone would say that is Op's fault. I don't fault the posters saying"be the bigger person" or "think of the long term relationship" or "model kindness to the kids" although I disagree with them in this situation. I think OP's original plan is best and she should work on accepting mil for who she is. If she is jealous and insecure, examine your role in that but if you are ok with your general behavior, ignore hers without judgement. Accepting who she is also means not doing things to put yourself and your kids in situations she is likely to spazz at (which is what op is correctly doing imo).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or, you could simply all drive together this year. Problem solved!

Exactly!

Some of you are heartless.

Yes, the MIL was dramatic and ruined the day. So what? We all have bad days, and we are all bound to ruin family events sometimes. Excluding her based on this one event makes the DIL overly dramatic and childish as well.

Give her several chances until it becomes a pattern of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

The problem with this is that it hurts OPs kids if grandma throws another tantrum at their school.

Seriously,that's really embarrassing for a kid. Think about how you'd feel if someone in your family threw a tantrum at a work party in front of your boss and colleagues... Would you keep inviting them to the holiday party if they embarrassed you last year? it's way worse for a kid. OP being the bigger person shouldn't come at her kid's expense.

+1

I think the two of you are ignoring the fact that OP and her mom goaded the MIL into crying. There is nothing kind or "bigger person" about that kind of behavior.

Just stop. Nobody can goad my mom or my mil into crying in public at their grandkids' event excluding a death, terrible news or something. OP is not responsible even if she were "excluding" mil. So gross that anyone would say that is Op's fault. I don't fault the posters saying"be the bigger person" or "think of the long term relationship" or "model kindness to the kids" although I disagree with them in this situation. I think OP's original plan is best and she should work on accepting mil for who she is. If she is jealous and insecure, examine your role in that but if you are ok with your general behavior, ignore hers without judgement. Accepting who she is also means not doing things to put yourself and your kids in situations she is likely to spazz at (which is what op is correctly doing imo).

"Who she is"? Oh please! She has kids with this guy so presumably she has been married to him for more than a couple of years. If MIL has not behaved like this in the past, this is not who she is. The OP would have mentioned that the MIL had done this several times, and the OP would have been less conflicted about making the decision to take her to only the cider event.

She had a bad day. We all do. Apparently some of you are perfect. The rest of us are mere mortals. Give us a break.

[Anonymous]

The poster with the movie analogy hit it on the nail. I once ended 2 friendships over something similar. I showed up to a 3 person event where I was excluded from the conversation. Totally forgotten and left to sit alone. While I didn't sulk I never called those ladies back after they reached out to me several times.

I imagine you and your mother arrived bragging about all the wonderful things you did with the kids earlier. Having insider conversations. She felt excluded. Rather than leave her alone you and your mother backed her into a corner. She told you the truth and you got angry about legitimate feelings. Your mom should have raised you better. As much as I wanted to side with you, I can't. The fact that your husband would let you treat his mom so rude is questionable. Invite your mother in law this year and find something else to do with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The poster with the movie analogy hit it on the nail. I once ended 2 friendships over something similar. I showed up to a 3 person event where I was excluded from the conversation. Totally forgotten and left to sit alone. While I didn't sulk I never called those ladies back after they reached out to me several times.

I imagine you and your mother arrived bragging about all the wonderful things you did with the kids earlier. Having insider conversations. She felt excluded. Rather than leave her alone you and your mother backed her into a corner. She told you the truth and you got angry about legitimate feelings. Your mom should have raised you better. As much as I wanted to side with you, I can't. The fact that your husband would let you treat his mom so rude is questionable. Invite your mother in law this year and find something else to do with your mom.

Perhaps this is the way it happened...or not. We have no idea so I don't why so many posters are projecting and imagining their own version of events, which is NOT how OP described it. Some people are hysterical and dramatic, and do things like what OP described. In fact, didn't OP say her mil is jealous and she doesn't get along with her anyway? Why entertain stupid behavior from people you don't get along with? It's also not on OP to handle the kids' relationship with her mil. Either the mil needs to try sucking up to OP or get her son more involved. Either way, it's not OP's responsibility to give a shit about her mil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The poster with the movie analogy hit it on the nail. I once ended 2 friendships over something similar. I showed up to a 3 person event where I was excluded from the conversation. Totally forgotten and left to sit alone. While I didn't sulk I never called those ladies back after they reached out to me several times.

I imagine you and your mother arrived bragging about all the wonderful things you did with the kids earlier. Having insider conversations. She felt excluded. Rather than leave her alone you and your mother backed her into a corner. She told you the truth and you got angry about legitimate feelings. Your mom should have raised you better. As much as I wanted to side with you, I can't. The fact that your husband would let you treat his mom so rude is questionable. Invite your mother in law this year and find something else to do with your mom.

Perhaps this is the way it happened...or not. We have no idea so I don't why so many posters are projecting and imagining their own version of events, which is NOT how OP described it. Some people are hysterical and dramatic, and do things like what OP described. In fact, didn't OP say her mil is jealous and she doesn't get along with her anyway? Why entertain stupid behavior from people you don't get along with? It's also not on OP to handle the kids' relationship with her mil. Either the mil needs to try sucking up to OP or get her son more involved. Either way, it's not OP's responsibility to give a shit about her mil.

Oh wow, this is OP.

No, it went down exactly as I said in the OP.

When she got there, she immediately started pouting. Wouldn't exchange "hellos" with me or my mom, only the kids. Ignored us until DH arrived, and then ignored him. He actually asked her what was wrong first, and she said, "Nothing." She trailed behind us like a puppy, wouldn't respond to any questions with anything other than angry answers: "Shirley, are you hungry now? Should we all eat?" "I don't care." It was horribly awkward and we all walked on eggshells. Our kids didn't even have fun because they didn't understand what was going on. Finally, my mom pulled her aside and asked her if she had done anything to upset her, that she wanted to make it right. And MIL started screaming at my mom about being excluded and started crying right there. When we walked over she started screaming at me. DH walked her away and she screamed at him. It was horrible.