Would you give a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the cider mill inviting now, so it doesn't look like an afterthought.

Just invite your mom and if asked simply say "you didn't enjoy it last year".

This is a good idea. I'll get on planning it with my husband now.

I like that response too. I think anything I will say will come across as snarky to her. I won't win this one, that's for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the cider mill inviting now, so it doesn't look like an afterthought.

Just invite your mom and if asked simply say "you didn't enjoy it last year".

I like the idea of being preemptive with the cider mill invite, but I would not respond with "You didn't enjoy it last year." That leaves the door open for MIL to respond back with "I had a great time!" Instead, if asked, just say "Bob will be out of town, so I'm just going to the festival with my parents and the kids. When Bob is back, we can all go to the cider mill. My parents are busy that weekend."

[Anonymous]

I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

No. She is not entitled to being upset in the first place, let alone cry after being asked what was wrong. Nothing should be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

No. She is not entitled to being upset in the first place, let alone cry after being asked what was wrong. Nothing should be wrong.

Why can't she feel upset when she has been excluded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Not sure that being someone's daughter is a "secret club." The way MIL was probably super embarrassing for OP's kids. It was at their school so it wasn't about MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

No. She is not entitled to being upset in the first place, let alone cry after being asked what was wrong. Nothing should be wrong.

Why can't she feel upset when she has been excluded?

Excluded from what? The car ride over to the school?

A mother/daughter afternoon?

So now sons and daughters can't do anything at all with their parents and not include the inlaws? If a man goes to a baseball game with his dad, is he required to invite his FIL? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

There are adults ways to handle things; adult ways to handle yourself.

Children cry in public. An adult crying in public at their grand child's school? Are you kidding me? You think this is normal behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

No. She is not entitled to being upset in the first place, let alone cry after being asked what was wrong. Nothing should be wrong.

Why can't she feel upset when she has been excluded?

She wasn't excluded, you silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

No. She is not entitled to being upset in the first place, let alone cry after being asked what was wrong. Nothing should be wrong.

Why can't she feel upset when she has been excluded?

She wasn't excluded, you silly.

Exactly. A woman is allowed to spend the day with her mom, ALL DAY, and then meet up with her inlaws and husband for a family event. FAMILY event. Unless the husband was there and his mom wasn't, I don't see the issue.

[Anonymous]

Besides, being sulky and pouty in public in the first place was utterly uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

Or, you could simply all drive together this year. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NP - this is utter BS.

[Anonymous]

I will be the dissenting voice here: If this was out of character for her and usually she behaves better, then yes, I'd give her a second chance. If this is how all outings and socializations go with her, then not.

The thing is op, you never know what goes on in other people's mind. May be in her mind she thought she's closer to you than your perception of the relationship with her, and it hit home with her that she's the "mother in law" - a person held at arm's length... I don't know. May be she had a fight with her husband or hairdresser or other children and it all came same day.

May be she has learnt from her behavior. You said it's been almost a year, so how were the interactions after that? I would not exclude, but I would not push for them to come. Let DH tell them there is fall festival this year, you and your mom will be going, he can't make it, if she wants to join.