Would you give a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be really mean to not invite our MIL. In the abstract - sure it may seem that you are forgiving just unacceptable behavior but the cost seems high. I would have your husband do the inviting but also have the discussion about what had happened (I really hope you have already addressed at least some since it is nearly a year ago!!!) He can certainly say that you will be driving there again with the kids and your mother but if you wanted to be a bigger person-maybe just this year-have your mother come on her own - or even offer to pick up your MIL. Unless you are trying to cut ties with your IL's - geez - be kind first - even to those who make crazy mistakes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be really mean to not invite our MIL. In the abstract - sure it may seem that you are forgiving just unacceptable behavior but the cost seems high. I would have your husband do the inviting but also have the discussion about what had happened (I really hope you have already addressed at least some since it is nearly a year ago!!!) He can certainly say that you will be driving there again with the kids and your mother but if you wanted to be a bigger person-maybe just this year-have your mother come on her own - or even offer to pick up your MIL. Unless you are trying to cut ties with your IL's - geez - be kind first - even to those who make crazy mistakes.

+1

If this type of behavior isn't new, how many chances do you give? It's mentioned the MIL is jealous and insecure, so I'm guessing it's not the first rodeo with this kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

By not inviting her you'll make her feel even more insecure and paranoid. And she'll have something real to base her feelings on. Things will get worse.

Talk to her but invite her. I think not inviting her is too extreme and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just invite your mom. Your husband should plan something else for MIL.

I fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By not inviting her you'll make her feel even more insecure and paranoid. And she'll have something real to base her feelings on. Things will get worse.

Talk to her but invite her. I think not inviting her is too extreme and hurtful.

If someone feels insecure and paranoid after being invited to something, simply because they were met there instead of driven there, the problem lies with themselves. Not others. No number of invitations will change that. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By not inviting her you'll make her feel even more insecure and paranoid. And she'll have something real to base her feelings on. Things will get worse.

Talk to her but invite her. I think not inviting her is too extreme and hurtful.

If someone feels insecure and paranoid after being invited to something, simply because they were met there instead of driven there, the problem lies with themselves. Not others. No number of invitations will change that. Obviously.

I should add, it's like this:

My friends Jill and Jane and me makeplans to go to the movies, and agree to meet there. But for some reason, Jill and Jane took the same car and didn't invite me along in the car with them. Then me starting a fight with Jill and Jane at the ticket counter, and pouting into my popcorn and ignoring them all the way to our seats. Then Jane asks me what my problem is, and I cry in front of everyone in the theater. Because of a car ride. Because they TOTALLY EXCLUDED me and I'm paranoid and anxious that Jane likes Jill more than me and I won't see them anymore.

If you can tell me THAT is normal, appropriate behavior, I will shut up.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was an embarrassing psycho at my daughter's 3rd birthday party. She cornered a friend of mine and spent the entire party lecturing my friend about her horrible divorce and my asshole FIL (they have been divorced for 20 years).

This was the second time she had done something like this, so I guess we did give her a second chance, but she is now no longer invited to our children's birthday parties.

At the very least, you shouldn't be inviting her to an event or your husband isn't there to listen to her crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By not inviting her you'll make her feel even more insecure and paranoid. And she'll have something real to base her feelings on. Things will get worse.

Talk to her but invite her. I think not inviting her is too extreme and hurtful.

If someone feels insecure and paranoid after being invited to something, simply because they were met there instead of driven there, the problem lies with themselves. Not others. No number of invitations will change that. Obviously.

I agree, but I am certain not inviting will create more issues and drama for op.

[Anonymous]

Thinking about what would happen if this went down in my family. Right or wrong, I continue to extend invitations to MIL as if the incident never happened. She's either a personality-disordered nutter, or she was having a really bad day/week/year/life and had an episode that she is embarrassed about. Either way, you come out of it as the graceful, reasonable, inclusive one. Let her behavior speak for itself. Play innocent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By not inviting her you'll make her feel even more insecure and paranoid. And she'll have something real to base her feelings on. Things will get worse.

Talk to her but invite her. I think not inviting her is too extreme and hurtful.

If someone feels insecure and paranoid after being invited to something, simply because they were met there instead of driven there, the problem lies with themselves. Not others. No number of invitations will change that. Obviously.

I agree, but I am certain not inviting will create more issues and drama for op.

Maybe so, but they'll be in private. MIL won't be able to cause a scene at the fall festival and have everyone thinking the family is a drama fest they need to avoid. If MIL follows last year's trend, she'll give OP the cold shoulder. I can't speak for OP, but I'd probably enjoy the peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

For heavens sake. This is getting absurd. For one thing, if MIL arrived last and was offended that everyone else was already there, how would she know if anyone rode together? If that's how MIL and you approach situations, it's no wonder you and she feel slighted. You're looking for drama.

I won't pick apart the rest of your post, but basically if that's how you'd start the evening, it's no wonder the rest of your post is so drama laden. Your assumptions are even more off the wall than everything else you're accusing other posters of assuming. You're essentially assuming the opposite of everything OP posted. Even if OP had been exclusionary, do you still think crying and carrying on at the kids' school was appropriate? It sounds like MIL really caused a scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

I see it this way, too. There is a ton of ambiguity in OP's posts and I see lots of areas where she characterizes her actions favorably but there are some unkind connotations when you think about how she refers to her MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

This is an interesting take on things. I could see things having happened this way, and I think that's because, to be honest, I can't stand my mil (she and I are very very different) and I have done the mean girl thing with my mom before. My mil didn't cry and make a scene but she acts like a martyr and publicly says that I don't like her. We bring out the worst in each other, so I've cut my interactions with her to a minimum. What's wrong with OP doing the same? You can't have a great relationship with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a NP and I can't believe everyone is just assuming MIL was out of line. For all we know, OP (and her mother) were extremely exclusionary throughout the event. We already know OP and her mother are very close. So, picture it this way:

OP invites MIL and in response to MIL probably asking about getting there, OP says "we're all going to meet there."

MIL arrives and finds everyone (including OP's DH) already there enjoying themselves. MIL asks saying "I thought we were all meeting here?" And OP tells her that her mom came with them. MIL assumes DH also came with them, OP doesn't clarify.

OP's made it clear she and MIL don't have a great relationship to begin with, so imagine the group going around and OP and her mother ignoring or leaving out the MIL. Imagine the OP going "Mom, come here, take a look at this." "Kids, come here with [Mom] and let's go here" "Mom, see Janie over there? Well, I was telling you about her earlier today and blah blah blah"

The way I can envision it, OP and her mom are being complete mean girls - yet, her OP is factually correct in that she invited MIL and her and her mom drove together and then magically her MIL lost it. So, everyone assumes that there was nothing in OP's behavior (or her mother's for that matter) that would lead to the MIL feeling left out.

OP - Obviously, I don't know if you did any of that, but it's clear you don't like your MIL and are looking for a reason to exclude her. I mean, it didn't even occur to you to have your mom sit this festival out and have your mom go to the cider thing. It was like you start out as fact that your mom will be going - it's just a question of whether your MIL will join you both.

I'm with the other posters that suggest you invite (and maybe drive altogether) your MIL and maybe try including her a bit more.

This is an interesting take on things. I could see things having happened this way, and I think that's because, to be honest, I can't stand my mil (she and I are very very different) and I have done the mean girl thing with my mom before. My mil didn't cry and make a scene but she acts like a martyr and publicly says that I don't like her. We bring out the worst in each other, so I've cut my interactions with her to a minimum. What's wrong with OP doing the same? You can't have a great relationship with everyone.

That's true -- you can't have a great relationship with everyone. But OP's inability to reel in her mean girl activities does mean that she is depriving her children of a chance to get to know one of their grandmothers. And that is horrible. OP needs to learn to put her own feelings aside for the benefit of her children. Especially since it seems like she contrived this situation to make her MIL come out as an emotional wreck but it was at the expense of her own kids.