Would you give a second chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

This is clearly the grandmother/one person replying repeatedly saying to cater to the grandmother. No. Actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

This is clearly the grandmother/one person replying repeatedly saying to cater to the grandmother. No. Actions have consequences.

Not so. I'm neither the grandmother nor the PP who wrote the original post recommending grandmother be given a second chance. More than one person can have an opinion different from yours, you know. Plenty of people agree with you; is it so unbelievable that more than one person doesn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't reward the bad behavior of my children, I certainly don't reward it of a 60yo. Not worth the risk.

Yes, this. And if asked, I'd be very upfront: "We were planning to drive with my mom this year because she will be with us this day. To avoid a situation like what happened last year, we thought we'd pick a different day/time/event to do something with you and to also make sure dh is able to attend."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

This is clearly the grandmother/one person replying repeatedly saying to cater to the grandmother. No. Actions have consequences.

Well, I am not that "one person", and I agree: MIL deserves a second chance. I would do this in my own self-interest. However, I am the kind of person who would not be interested in burying any chance for a civil relationship with my MIL. Like I need extra wedges between me and DH. Really? An all-out war is what you advise OP? PP is absolutely right: No one will die if MIL embarrasses herself again. Big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always pick up both grandmothers. Can your car accommodate both?

I'm also a first-time poster on this thread and think taking your MIL is the right thing to do. Where are the two FILs, by the way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always pick up both grandmothers. Can your car accommodate both?

I'm also a first-time poster on this thread and think taking your MIL is the right thing to do. Where are the two FILs, by the way?

LOL, 60 year old men aren't interested in all of this drama. They are drinking beers at home on the couch while all of this is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always pick up both grandmothers. Can your car accommodate both?

I'm also a first-time poster on this thread and think taking your MIL is the right thing to do. Where are the two FILs, by the way?

LOL, 60 year old men aren't interested in all of this drama. They are drinking beers at home on the couch while all of this is going on.

Together, though?

[Anonymous]

I think it would be really mean to not invite our MIL. In the abstract - sure it may seem that you are forgiving just unacceptable behavior but the cost seems high. I would have your husband do the inviting but also have the discussion about what had happened (I really hope you have already addressed at least some since it is nearly a year ago!!!) He can certainly say that you will be driving there again with the kids and your mother but if you wanted to be a bigger person-maybe just this year-have your mother come on her own - or even offer to pick up your MIL. Unless you are trying to cut ties with your IL's - geez - be kind first - even to those who make crazy mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

This is clearly the grandmother/one person replying repeatedly saying to cater to the grandmother. No. Actions have consequences.

Not so. I'm neither the grandmother nor the PP who wrote the original post recommending grandmother be given a second chance. More than one person can have an opinion different from yours, you know. Plenty of people agree with you; is it so unbelievable that more than one person doesn't?

More unbelievable that all those people who disagree would post so close together in time.

[Anonymous]

I would take the high road and extend the invitation. Excluding her would seem petty at this point.

[Anonymous]

I would not invite her based on last year and due to the fact that your H is unavailable to run interference if she does it this year.

[Anonymous]

There were a few tears after we asked her why she was sulking and pouting. She first accused me of purposefully leaving her out and then yelled at my mom about the same thing. She then cried to my DH (in public) because nobody could see her side. It was infuriating. We were all really upset she acted this way. We didn't talk for a few weeks (she wouldn't talk to us, rather.) It was all so high-drama.

I don't understand why MIL was questioned about pouting and sulking. If an adult in our party is pouting I leave them alone and ignore the behavior. It's not my problem. It's not behavior that's necessary to correct.

You said your relationship is not close. Your arrival with your mother probably reinforced to MIL the lack of closeness she has to her son's family, and she thinks your mother sees the children more. Not your problem! However she was asked and responded. Ignore sulking MILs.

I'm thinking if only inviting my own parents this year, and maybe planning a cider mill trip when DH can attend or something.

Whatever you decide to do, she needs to hear the plans from her son. Your telling her may lead to her blaming you for not seeing your family enough or getting to do the activities she expects to do with your family. Your husband needs to take the brunt of any disappointment his mother may have.

[Anonymous]

I would invite mil to the festival. Take the high road. Once you invite her, it's up to her how she wants to proceed. This is what we do with my tantrum-prone FIL. Because if we didn't, he'd be upset about not being invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

The MIL could use this same advice. It may have been nice for them to drive with MIL, but maybe, for the sake of her relationship with the kids and DIL, it would have been better to be kind and understanding and not make a big deal.

Fine, but if everyone always stands on principle, there will never be any rapprochement. Someone has to go first. People on this board are so quick to say "my way or the highway" or "cut them off" or "toxic." Be a little flexible and maybe everyone will be happier. Maybe they won't. But you won't know til you try.

All of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.

Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.

So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.

Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...

Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.

OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.

NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.

So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.

But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?

If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?

This is clearly the grandmother/one person replying repeatedly saying to cater to the grandmother. No. Actions have consequences.

Well, I am not that "one person", and I agree: MIL deserves a second chance. I would do this in my own self-interest. However, I am the kind of person who would not be interested in burying any chance for a civil relationship with my MIL. Like I need extra wedges between me and DH. Really? An all-out war is what you advise OP? PP is absolutely right: No one will die if MIL embarrasses herself again. Big deal.

I agree. Because I am "slept on it" and I can assure you that I am not the above poster. Oddly enough, I was thinking that it was interesting that there were so many posts with one-line zingers while those advocating a more tolerant approach are writing a little more. By my count, going back, there are at least 4 different people encouraging a more tolerant and open approach.

I also totally agree with the poster above that I would not want to ruin opportunities for a civil relationship with my MIL over something silly like the Fall Festival. I find it interesting that so many people think that this is the thing over which they will sever their relationship with MIL. Life is too short. This woman is the mother of the man whom OP supposedly loves. OP can't find it in her heart to show a little tolerance? That's really too bad and reflects very poorly on OP, her choices and the modeling that she is doing for her children.