ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who had this situation. The child lived with her mom most of the time about 8 hours away and he went to see her a few weekends out of the month, plus longer times at holidays and during the summer. He is a fantastic dad and it only made me like and respect him more.

One of my friends also. Except I think s/he sees the child maybe once a quarter. Child support payments are always on time though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

+1 the child is still an abstract to him. Do I think he could be more interested? Of course. But this is a huge, huge choice that was a) made for him and b) hidden from him intentionally so I don't blame him for being analytical and cautious.

And for all of the PPs who are being self-righteous about condoms, sex outside of a committed relationship, etc...I'm sure you've all been perfect. Most likely, you've just been lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

+1 the child is still an abstract to him. Do I think he could be more interested? Of course. But this is a huge, huge choice that was a) made for him and b) hidden from him intentionally so I don't blame him for being analytical and cautious.

And for all of the PPs who are being self-righteous about condoms, sex outside of a committed relationship, etc...I'm sure you've all been perfect. Most likely, you've just been lucky.

I doubt it - 60% of second children are accidents. I suspect they're just married to the men who don't have a choice about being 'enthusiastic' or not.

[Anonymous]

I had a child with an emotionally constipated asshole like you, OP. Please stay away from this kid. I wish I kept my son away. $400 HUUUUUUGEEEE he sends every month are a drop in the bucket and he has done such emotional damage in the 8 years of my son's life that I really wish I never told him I was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm single (never married) and recently found out that a ONS from a while back in the town I went college in had a child some time ago. The mother lives a few hours away from here in southern VA and to be honest I don't really remember her although I suppose that doesn't really matter at this point. It's pretty obvious that I messed up and made a major life mistake so there's no need to pile on about that. I am very aware of my mistake and I'm not really interested in re-visiting that issue here.

Child support has been resolved through the child support guidelines along with the arrears from when the case was pending. I have discussed that issue with my lawyer and the guidelines in VA are fairly straightforward so I am fairly knowledgeable about how all that works. The payment is a lot of money in the abstract but I don't see it affecting me day to day as I live a fairly frugal lifestyle.

I am curious whether there are any family relationship or other issues along that line I should be considering or is simply a matter of paying the child support until the age of majority?

OP it all depends on you and how you feel. Forget what others are saying. If she brought a paternity suit against you which shows the child is yours you will obviously have to pay the child support. If you're not interested in having a relationship with this child then merely send the money to the court and move on. Only you can decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

The truth is many don't regret it. My friend was pregnant by her bf who went on to get married having his own kids. Was never interested in their child that she raised. Same with his wife. The son tracked him down when he was 30 something which I thought was a bad idea. The guy told him the man that raised him was his father, and basically he wanted to be left alone.

OP I would weigh everything carefully. If you truly have no desire or to change your lifestyle I think that's your answer. I would say either be an involved father or totally let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

Exactly. Although he should have been smart enough to use a condom many women know men won't. She was banking on that and wasn't taking the pill. Child support can be a nice addition to her income especially if the man makes quite a bit. Funny how OP forgot all about her, but she was quick to file a paternity suit.

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.


The truth is many don't regret it. My friend was pregnant by her bf who went on to get married having his own kids. Was never interested in their child that she raised. Same with his wife. The son tracked him down when he was 30 something which I thought was a bad idea. The guy told him the man that raised him was his father, and basically he wanted to be left alone.

OP I would weigh everything carefully. If you truly have no desire or to change your lifestyle I think that's your answer. I would say either be an involved father or totally let it go.

I agree. I am also leaning towards the idea that the child may be better off without you. Children need consistency. If you don't believe you can be a consistent presence in the child's life whether that's every week, every month or every quarter. Don't make any effort other than sending the money.

Just curious. How old is the child and have you informed your family you have a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

Exactly. Although he should have been smart enough to use a condom many women know men won't. She was banking on that and wasn't taking the pill. Child support can be a nice addition to her income especially if the man makes quite a bit. Funny how OP forgot all about her, but she was quick to file a paternity suit.

Was she quick? Do we know how old the child is? She waited a long time to tell him about the baby. Whether she "tricked" him into getting her pregnant, she did keep the info hidden and caused him to miss part of the baby's life, and certainly didn't allow him to prepare for the birth of his child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

Exactly. Although he should have been smart enough to use a condom many women know men won't. She was banking on that and wasn't taking the pill. Child support can be a nice addition to her income especially if the man makes quite a bit. Funny how OP forgot all about her, but she was quick to file a paternity suit.

Was she quick? Do we know how old the child is? She waited a long time to tell him about the baby. Whether she "tricked" him into getting her pregnant, she did keep the info hidden and caused him to miss part of the baby's life, and certainly didn't allow him to prepare for the birth of his child.

If this was a one night stand, how do we even know she knew how to get in touch with him. Or that she didn't try. We only have his side of the story and I don't trust him. But even if she waited a couple of years to reach out to him, does that absolve him of trying to do what's best for his kid? I think not. You can try to be pissed at the baby mama and blame her for this and that, and point fingers. In the meantime, this kid needs a parent, like YESTERDAY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you didn't know about the child before, but you do now. As a father, you do have a right to see your child, so I would recommend you get started on building the relationship now. It's really unfair of the mother to rob you of the chance to know the child from birth, so don't let any more time get away. One day you will regret it.

I think this is the part that I struggle with. On the one hand, getting more involved will add a significant amount of drama and turbulence to my life. On the other hand, will I regret it later on? I don't know and I don't really have a way to gauge that.

The only exposure I have to this in my life so far are a few of my friends that are married and have kids. That part of it does sound nice but then again they're raising kids with a life partner so it's kinda like, for lack of a better word, a loving bond between all of them rather than a potential relationship with the child and chaos with bio mom.

You're looking at parenthood the wrong way. Parenthood isn't something you decide to do because it will be fun and seems nice, it's something you do *for* your child out of love for them. Having an absentee father who never even bothered to meet him/her will damage your child. Being involved will mean taking on all of the unpleasant parts of parenting and doing the hard work, but you do it because you care about being a positive influence on your child and helping them become happy, healthy people. If you're only in it for what you'll get out of it and you're not willing to do the hard, unpleasant work, you're going to be a crappy father whether you're involved or not.

I'm having a hard time reconciling your statement with the one above about me regretting it one day. If I'm neutral about the situation now I don't understand why that would change with the passage of time. Maybe I'm too analytical to grasp this but I'm giving it a shot. Another hypothetical would be if I get older and presumably get married and decide to have kids if I wanted them at a later point wouldn't I get all of these same experiences (good and bad) that way?

I understand the points others have made about being there for the kid, etc. Those seems like fairly straightforward issues and I will consider them.

OP I've been withholding judgment until now but you seem like an absolute sociopath. It might be better for the kid if you stay away and just send checks.

I'm trying to understand all of the issues as best I can which is why I posted. It's a major decision and I'm certainly not going to make a decision one way or the other within a day but I'd like to gather as much information as possible before doing so. I'm not convinced on the "I'll regret it" point yet so I'm probing further.

The truth is many don't regret it. My friend was pregnant by her bf who went on to get married having his own kids. Was never interested in their child that she raised. Same with his wife. The son tracked him down when he was 30 something which I thought was a bad idea. The guy told him the man that raised him was his father, and basically he wanted to be left alone.

OP I would weigh everything carefully. If you truly have no desire or to change your lifestyle I think that's your answer. I would say either be an involved father or totally let it go.

What a piece of garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is also something you should not withhold from future partners (once things begin to get serious).

Yes, that makes sense on a few levels. I suppose the reactions from future partners will be as vary based upon personality but it has crossed my mind that certainly some % of future partners will exclude me from consideration based upon this alone. I stated it above but I'm keenly aware that it reflects a monumental lack of judgment.

I would probably reject you because you seem to have no interest in a child of yours. That is scarier than the fact the child exists by far.

This.

If you are this disengaged, you likely won't be much better a father to children you have with a wife if you ever divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have aspergers

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't really sound like you're looking to have a relationship with the kid, but just want to know if that's what's expected of you.

What's the woman's situation? Does she want you around or are you just a source of income? Is she in a relationship?

Honestly, I posted for outside perspective in response to your first sentence. I mean, having a kid certainly wasn't something I planned for at this stage of my life nor, specifically, with this person. I learned a very hard lesson that one should be selective even with regard to ONS.

I don't know what the woman's relationship status is other than that she isn't married or at least her pay stubs didn't indicate that she was although I suppose she could just indicate single on the pay stubs. It didn't come up in the proceedings whether she was dating or seriously involved with anyone.

I think it's at least partially about the money with her. She's done a few shady things like trying to bill me for an entire medical bill rather than just the portion not covered by insurance.

Yeah, not telling you about the kid until after it's born and trying to squeeze extra money from you signals to me that she thinks you're a piggy bank and not a partner.

Sounds like a tough spot to be in, honestly.

Exactly. Although he should have been smart enough to use a condom many women know men won't. She was banking on that and wasn't taking the pill. Child support can be a nice addition to her income especially if the man makes quite a bit. Funny how OP forgot all about her, but she was quick to file a paternity suit.

In VA, testing for paternity is automatically part of CS proceedings unless you are married or the unmarried father signs the BC.

Unless the father makes high six figures, CS is never enough to 100% fund the cost of actually raising a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Contrary to what other posters are saying, I feel a lot more inclined to help OP as a clear-headed and calm person than if he were posting all emotional and upset. What good would that do?

And if you're resentful he hasn't immediately morphed into Mr. Perfect Dad, then I can only laugh at you. There are so many threads on DCUM about fathers not doing their job, even though they were married and their kids were planned, that you cannot apply double standards here.

OP will hopefully develop into an attentive father, you have to give him time to navigate the situation. If he has found this forum and can post here calmly asking all these questions and not react to your nasty assumptions, then he has great potential!

OP straight up said if I decide later that I regret missing out on being a father for this kid, can't I just have more kids and get the parenting experience that way? That's way past not morphing into Mr. Perfect, it's sociopathic.

Not at all. It's self-centered and realistic. I don't think those two things make the OP psychopathic. He's just not thinking about the child's perspective at all, or the child's best interests, which is unfair and immature.
But I don't think you can blame someone who only recently found out he was a father. It takes time to mature into a Father with a capital F. I hope he reaches it in good time to bond with his child.