ONS had a child - How screwed am I?

[Anonymous]

Op,

You seem extremely analytical and intelligent, but the decision to be a father to your child isn't really a "rational" decision. It's something you just do because you are a man. My advice would be to stop over thinking or just stop thinking period. Take it one step at a time.

First step - Schedule regular visits (monthly, quarterly, what ever you want) with your daughter and her mom.

Don't think past that. When there are problems then you can sit down, be analytic and try to figure out a solution.

Also, get your family involved, especially your parents. This is their grandchild after all and not only do they have the skills to raise a kid (they raised you) they can also (will to your annoyance) give you advice and tips on what to do. Tell them you need their help to succeed with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

+1 the child is still an abstract to him. Do I think he could be more interested? Of course. But this is a huge, huge choice that was a) made for him and b) hidden from him intentionally so I don't blame him for being analytical and cautious.

And for all of the PPs who are being self-righteous about condoms, sex outside of a committed relationship, etc...I'm sure you've all been perfect. Most likely, you've just been lucky.

I feel the same way and I'm a woman. When I get into a crisis, I shut down emotions or I cannot effectively deal with things. If I let feelings creep in, it's very hard for me to see all the choices and make rational, well thought out decisions. He needs to make the best choice, hopefully for both him and the child. He needs to be level headed. The baby mama sounds pretty shady. He'll have a lifetime for emotions, whatever he chooses.

OP, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that I'm an abandoned child. My mom wasn't deceitful and didn't hide my existence. She married my biological father. They were young and dumb. When she realized she wasn't on the path to happiness with him, she left. He refused to pay child support, so she went after him hard. She backed him into a corner and gave him the choice of her being relentless about money and quality care for me, or her leaving him alone if he'd give up custody. He chose the latter. (At first I blamed him exclusively, but now I see her role in it.) It really messed me up for a while. I'm good now, but it was hard being a child, teenager, young adult, going through all sorts of milestones and every day life knowing my father chose not to be in my life. It took a lot of therapy and it still hurts. It's the worst kind of rejection, knowing a parent actively doesn't want you. I'm pretty sure he regretted his choice, because he tried to contact me later in life. There were some middle pages to the story that I won't go into, but I eventually chose not to have a relationship with him.

I don't know if you'll regret not being more than a checkbook to this kid. I like to think you will, but different people feel different things. Having children later might be fulfilling enough. Or having children later might wake you up to what you missed and make you wish you'd acted differently. No one can know that. And it would be silly to sugarcoat it and say it'll be easy. There's a lot of travel, legal fees, and stress in custody disagreements. You got a raw deal, the way the mother handled things, but you still could be a good parent. Her questionable behavior makes me think the child might need a positive role model even more than if the mom had behaved normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, you PPs are harsh. Consider all of the posts on DCUM about fathers not being interested in their kids, or even mothers fretting over not bonding with their babies. Detachment can happen with parents who planned on having kids and here we have a guy who found out a few months ago that he fathered a child with a woman he barely knew. He's approaching this from a distance because he's been kept at a distance and has had no chance to develop an emotional attachment with this child. I don't think OP lack of emotion about this means he's a sociopath. I think it's quite understandable given the situation.

You make very good points. I think we are just having a visceral reaction to OP focusing more own his own navel here than what the child needs. It's all about him and what he "gets" or doesn't get to experience - he doesn't seem concerned about the child's welfare.

[Anonymous]

Also, he said "how screwed am I" instead of being concerned about how screwed the child might be.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I haven't read 7 pages of responses, but here are a few thoughts.

1) Paying child support is the right thing to do.
2) If you do not have a will, if you died tomorrow and are not married, your child is your heir. Anything that is not passed on to a designated beneficiary (like a life insurance policy) would be passed intestate to your child.
3) Consider whether or not you can afford to do something like start a college savings vehicle for your child, like an IRA or a 529 plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have aspergers

This

My reaction too.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure that mom knows that when she marries a real man, you will sign over for her husband to adopt the child. My friends who have issues about their absent biodads are the ones whose fathers refused to allow them to be adopted by stepdad. The others are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, make sure that mom knows that when she marries a real man, you will sign over for her husband to adopt the child. My friends who have issues about their absent biodads are the ones whose fathers refused to allow them to be adopted by stepdad. The others are fine.

I'm the opposite. I feel abandoned by my biodad who did that, even though my stepdad adopted me. Don't presume you know what's best. It's complicated.

A lot of people who are expecting spend some time during the pregnancy just processing the situation, wondering if they made the right decision. OP didn't have that privilege. He's processing it now. Maybe he won't make the best decision for the child, but he hasn't made a bad choice yet. At least he's stepping up financially.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is a list of famous people whose biological fathers chose not to get involve: Jack Nicholson, Steve Job, Barack Obama, Lebron James, Kenye West, Adrian Grenier, Eric Clapton, 50 Cent, Merrilyn Monroe, Jeff Bezos, Drake, to name just a few. I would be careful about rejecting your biological child. How do think some of these fathers feel having to sit on the sideline?

[Anonymous]

OP, I come from a culture where many dads think their role is basically providing for the kid plus maybe some weekend fun, if that.
Many have accused you of cynicism but yes, I know several examples where dads were not involved with their first kids but caught on and received their share of parental experience in their second marriages or just when they became older.
However, I also know of situations where despite getting married or remarried later in life and having more kids they still didn't really have much of that father child bond; the problem is - it is not enough to even live in the same household; one has to have an interest and sensitivity (if I may) to the child's needs and personality to develop that bond, let alone spend time with child in a productive way (not just share the living space).
You are either eager to be a dad (which eventually makes you able to be one) or not. It may change with age, or it may not.
Listen to your heart, however difficult it may be for a hyper rational person like you. If you are not interested in trying to be a dad, are you interested in becoming interested? It is doable through personal therapy. But if you are not, it's best to not even pretend. Once (if) you feel you are ready to learn, you can learn and hopefully make amends with your child. If not, there ARE some women naive or cynical enough to still be with you despite your lack of interest in parenting.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

wow. you have some issues with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a guy who had this situation. The child lived with her mom most of the time about 8 hours away and he went to see her a few weekends out of the month, plus longer times at holidays and during the summer. He is a fantastic dad and it only made me like and respect him more.

One of my friends also. Except I think s/he sees the child maybe once a quarter. Child support payments are always on time though.

We have such low expectations for men a weekend and holiday dad is fantastic!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The person to scorn here is the woman who had a baby with a man she barely knew, and never told him about it -- then decided she wanted cash.

OP, now that you have been established as the biological father, you are entitled to half time with the child. So Baby Momma just gave up half of her time with her precious child -- which shows just how much she cares about her kid.

I'm adopted, and I think what this woman did was despicable.

+1

The mother should have given the baby up for adoption to an intact, two-parent home.

[Anonymous]

You have a child.
You should be a father... just like she is a mother.